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Science Experiment

I thought he was pure
but nothing is that perfect
I should have known better than to think such love
would come to me unscathed
by the burning evil that surrounds me why?
I thought he would be water,
but he was too impure for that
I learned too late that he was acid
and the chemistry we were feeling was really
just a chemical reaction
seconds before we
exploded

Author notes

This is one of my attempts at writing poetry solely for the sake of writing good poetry. As such, its relation to real life is quite stretched, and aside from the fact that my boyfriend gave me the idea of using chemicals in my poem. If there is any way I can make this poem better, please let me know!
CONTEST CRAP:
Option 1. I hope I am not breaking the rules, because although my boyfriend inspired this, it has nothing at all to do with our relationship.

Grand Theft Autumn? like...whatev......
my name is myiuki. except that at the moment it's my--i u--k i

A contest entry

How can I make this better and improve my writing?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • leander Moderators member
    January 17, 2008

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    I really, really like following lines:

    "I thought he would be water,
    but he was too impure for that"

    and the rest of the poem after those lines are really good as well in fact, I think that it could stand alone if you ask me

    I missed punctuation in this one...

    Thanks for entering!
    Leander


  • Naridill
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Nicely penned - very enticing and nice inspiration drawn from original prompt.

    Thanks for entering.


  • infinitechaos07
    January 10, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for entering my contest and best of luck!


  • Simply Simple
    January 10, 2008

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    This is a really good poem. It flowed relatively well and it was meaningful. This happens to so many people. Great write. Keep the ink flowing and best of luck.


  • wolfcub
    January 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    This is a very itneresting way of looking at relationships. I can see that the poem was written for the joy of writing poetry, as it does not try too hard to please the reader, but it is not some rubbish written for the sake of writing something (that is a compliment!). I really like the way you take the well-known phrase about chemical reactions describing poeple in love, and take it one step further.
    Well done, and thenkyou for entering.
    To improve this, you could try using something more powerful for the first two lines?


    • my--i u--k i
      January 10, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      hmmmmmmmmmmmm
      suggestions?

      • wolfcub
        January 10, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        I thought he was perfection
        But the word flawless itself is flawed
        Something along those lines. just a bit more definite than saying nothing ever is,is it?
        I can understand (I think) why you phrased it like this, but in the tone of the rest of the poem, I think something less chatty would work better.

1 - 8 of 8