Whoever made this Clock was mad;
whatever planned it was assured.
I know it wouldn’t make me glad
to hold and make my life secured.
Behaving like a deadly fan
I saw it stroke within its air.
The gilded wood belied its plan;
it swept its path with stoic care.
I could ignore its face with time,
but I will always see its parts,
and that won’t change its adage chime:
It ends before it even starts.
A contest entry
- Inspire Yourself (You better enter!!!) by Rose Petals.
330 points, ended January 8, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Amaze me by Sam-I-Am.
450 points, ended March 23, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Philosophy by RhiannonMari.
450 points, ended March 25, 2007, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical analysis please
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Interesting write- what was the inspiration here? Just the clock or something deeper, because I sense somethig more's going on here.
Thanks for your comment- not sure if it's anon contest if it is sorry
Yeah it was somewhat inspired by the craziness of 'We Didn't Start the Fire' (the chorus at least) so I decided to use a bit of a rhyme scheme but just keep it imperfect.
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amazing!
wow, such intelligent and imaginative personification of such a simple thing in life, i feel this is alo a metaphor for other things in your life. great multi-layered meaning. it could be viewed so mny ways. i am truely amazed at this
well done
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Although there is talent here and the shape and tone have been well worked the thoughts are still unclear
After many reads, ok its about time, mortality, but the language used is confusing the reader,poetry
Should be clear, precise imagery. There is no place for the abstract anymore. The subject of time has been well covered in poetry by great poets a long time ago
And is in fact one of the subjects that more exp poets
Would mark out as immature.
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It is relly good makes me think
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i think this is some of your best work. the rhyme structure is really awesome.
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Good grief Clockwork, You've got rhythm, you've got ryhme but you ain't got no sense. The piece needs to make sense. This isn't a 'dazzle 'em with BS' thing.
Whoever made this Clock was mad;
whatever plan[ned] [it] was assured. [ of what? the plan or the clockmaker?]
I know it wouldn’t make me glad [ what is 'it?' glad? way too simple]
to hold and make my life secured.[watch the tense! secure- even then it doesn't make sense]
Behaving like a deadly fan [you mean a fan you wave?]
I saw it stroke within its air. [clocks or its metaphor have air?]
The gilded wood belied its plan;
it swept its path with stoic care.
I could ignore its face with time, [a good shift here, nice inference]
but I will always see its parts,
and that won’t change its adage chime:
It ends before it even starts. [so many it(s) I lost track]
Geeze- I haven't been this picky in ages but man does nonsense ever curl my patooties.
-df- -
the work is good, the style and format is very well done here. i don't think i really felt anything in the entire read though. it didn't really pull at me or may me think so much. where's the questions? what different perspective are you trying to give others? it is clear that you are stating your view on time in this, but i don't see the argument that would bring another one to think on it and wonder on their own views, etc. i think this is a good piece. but not sure that it's what i'm looking for in this contest. thank you for the entry!
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It's the irony of time, and that when we are born, we will inevitably die. Creating time secures our life and makes us fully and totally acoustically aware of our mortality. That's what this is about.
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This is really good, and I like the rhyme and flow of the piece.
A very well done and good luck
Midnight -
You want critical right?
I believe that a breathtaking poem needs to have some sort of underlying passionate undertones to it. Poetry is whatever is in your heart and I believe that this is from your heart but I also am not so sure on formed and forced rhyme. I have read some of your other work and found it great -
Great
This is a wonderful poem. I am a huge fan of this form, and you use it so well. Every syllable fulfills its purpose. This is staggeringly creative. Great work. -
Without the title it would be very cryptic. I like it and it's a good write! Good luck and thanks for entering!
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Wow..
This is truly professional, how do you manage such an IDEAL Iambic pattern.
Please keep on pointing my flaws, because you seem very gifted and dedicated to this form.
Check out my new poem (the Fallen one), or whatever, they all have an Iambi style.
Be well.
This was superb.
Raven Dark.
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