Trouble In Paradise
Inspired by James Smith
Flaws and imperfections, to the surface, rise.
Seen through an alter ego’s eyes.
The truth confused for broken lies,
And lovers part forever more.
Words of hatred, soured scorn,
Leave lovers to, on all fours, crawl.
Cold shouldered, alone, forever forlorn,
As wilted, flower’s petals fall.
Different people from those who fell in love.
Fools for sweethearts who’ve had enough.
Of the push, the pull, the shout and shove.
But never content to sit it out alone,
To reconcile their troubled bones.
Not try to fix their hearts broken home
Yet always ready to trade fair blows,
And leave their deepest feelings overthrown.
As the mind controls the bodies’ thoughts,
Overpowering any that may change its course,
Of bloody battle and lovers war.
An empire raised sullenly to the ground.
Where nothing but faded memories, found;
And tainted words float about,
In silence not even a whispered sound,
On this lovers’ ship run aground.
Now they sit in guilt fed minds.
Looking for things they cannot find,
To while away their lonesome time.
And miss each other to death,
With words they’d take back in just one breath.
They let the jealousy get to their heads,
Nothing but a painful sorrow left,
Now just soulless corpses in their beds,
They sit and weep and curse the sky,
As if God himself can hear their cries,
And fix this ill fated destiny,
Of these two lovers tragedy.
Author notes
A very different poem to any other i have produced, quite olde worlde..well i think so, please tell me if im completely wrong lol
2
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A contest entry
- I just want your personal best. by disparate.
900 points, ended February 20, 2007, 55 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options, Options, Options!!!!! U know u wana take a looky!! by ForgottenMemories.
550 points, ended May 25, 2007, 44 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Do you like it? Tell me why/why not
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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*checks date immediately*
You know - it's always fun for me t look back at my older poems from a year ago and see how much I've improved. Sometimes I feel as though I should go back and fix them - like a touch-up on rhyme and flow and remove the clichés ... but I guess I like to preserve them. Same with you here, it seems
Never ♥
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Yeah I agree, I always go back and think "this'd sound better" but maybe it's nice to leave them as a measure of how I've improved.
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Regardless of the style or subject you write of, the reader can always be certain that your masterful skill will lead to perfection.
Very well done my friend
Barkeep!
Raker
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Aww wow, perfection, that's a pretty damn strong word! Much too strong for my poetry but I very much appreciate your comments ^^ (and the drinks hehe
)
Take care x
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Wow I really liked this piece! Great write! I Loved the rhyme scheme you used! I also really enjoyed reading this piece and the title you chose was excellent it really drew me in!! Thank you so much for entering! Excellent work and the best of luck in my contest!!
-Steve- -
Fixed rhyme schemes are a bit of a mixed blessing; if you can do it and do it well, you're very lucky. I sometimes find while writing that sometimes a couple lines here and there rhymed makes it feel better than not at all. Having a set scheme for the whole poem can make it difficult. I think this one was very well, and it read fine to me. The only line that didn't sit quite as well because it felt a lot shorter, was "To while away their lonesome time.
And miss each other to death," the second line just didn't seem to fit, it feels like it needs a bit more.
Otherwise a work of art you have here. The word usage was wonderful.. I loved the imagery, particularly in the second stanza (the last line of it was my favourite). This was well written and a pleasure to read, thanks for entering it in the contest.
I'm sorry about the delay in judging and commenting. Best of luck!
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Don't apologise! A comment as detailed, analytical and lovely as this does not need an apology! Good luck with your contest I hope you had many a fine entry. I'm glad you liked it, thanks again and take care x
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Well! I'm back again! Cause I'm very bored and have nothing else to do than read people's old poetry and listen to Our Lady Peace, lol. Anyways, I don't happen to think this is olde worlde, but I think it's very good. Except, and this may just be me and my dull-ness and the volume of my music, I can't really find a pattern in your rhyme scheme. Could you possibly explain that to me? Cause I'm getting this annoying feeling that there is an obvious pattern and I'm just not seeing it.
Anyways...I will go have some more comments! And don't say that I shouldn't, cause a) it's fun and 
I have nothing better to do. Oh, and c) I'm getting points for a contest I want to do, lol.
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This piece was remarkable. Really nicely done. Left me speechless. The flow of this was amazing. Keep up the good work. Best of luck to you in everything that you do.
Love always,
Kristen ♥ -
Im speechless. I dont know how anyone could master the words that you have so cleverly put together in this fantastic poem. How long did you spend typing this? Well done and Goodluck
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Wow
This is amazing. I know it's not like your usual stuff but it's fantastic, maybe even better than the old stuff. Honestly George, increadable. And I think it is quite 'olde worlde'. James should be flattered and grateful, I would be.
lyaamoc
xx
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This was very good. I like how you informed readers who inspired it and I'm glad that it's not what you normally write. It was very good and thank you for entering!
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Good luck with your contest, I hope you get lots of fantastic entries
x thanks for the comment x take care x
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i loved this. just the flow and the description...very nice. of course, i always love your work, keep it up.
-the existentialist
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Thank you very much, im glad you enjoy my work. Take care and have a good year
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OUTSTANDING!!
What a superb write, it has taken me completely by surprise. Yes I would say "olde worlde" with some modern chucked in. ( are you two arguing? ha hah) just joking. Your best work yet, if I could give you more than three clapping guys I would! WASP.
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Thank you
Blimey heck what a lovely comment, thank you very very VERY much!! Unfortunately..well we sometimes do argue..and this is kind of about us...and my friend and his girlfriend as well (and I guess about any relationship), but it only makes ur stronger, rather than splitting us up. Wow you really are too kind, thank you so much for the comment Glad you enjoyed it =] x take care x trust me, three clapping guys is plenty! x
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omg...
that was awesome. Wow the words they just...wow I'm bookmarking it. It had such a deep meaning i absolutly loved it wonderful job big bro keep up the good work
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Why thank you very much for your wonderful comment little sis hehe ^^, I'm glad you liked it. Take care x Hope you're ok x
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I loved it hehe and I'm doing fine how are?
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Coolcool x im ok..could be better but ill live x take care! x
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