A black moon rises
Over a blacker night,
And who's to say we'll make it home at all?
Because the barbed wire door
Doesn't open from this side,
And I've nothing to my name but empty walls.
Now the dark is gentle,
Kind as an onyx knife
What are you waiting for? Come on and do me in
For I won't come back for you
Once I've escaped the final days;
Give me a goodbye and forget that it's a sin.
I swear I didn't plan this.
Your death is not my fault;
It was you who turned to the cruel moon.
All I gave you was a kiss
With my hands soaked in blood;
You deserve the fire reserved for fools.
Author notes
I added the last stanza recently.
It's about my situation right now. I have to stay in a place I don't want to, and the person that keeps me sane is angry because when I do leave, they'll be hurt.
A contest entry
- Options, heaps to choose from by ForgottenMemories.
650 points, ended September 17, 2007, 43 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Wicked Games and Lithium Dreams [18+] by Immortal Obscurity.
900 points, ended October 19, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Picture by Myjoy.
450 points, ended November 12, 2007, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - i don't know what i want but i bet it's me (confusion and options) by Mr Majenta.
600 points, ended January 24, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Abstract PW allowed by BigE.
400 points, ended February 16, 2008, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - SHORT POEMS PART 2 by Blooming Poet.
700 points, ended March 23, 2008, 129 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - E.M.O ~ PoEmS xxx && brokenrosessooooofocate by Ryno.
400 points, ended December 8, 2008, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I don't think the ending actually concludes. . . is that good or bad???
Comments
1 - 35 of 35
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Ah. Your first stanza was friggin awesome. I loved the images with the mixture of emotion, it was really powerful and you had me feeling what you were feeling...
..the second last and last stanza were a let down. I think you let those strong images slide and became a lot more cliche. The raw emotion was still there though.
Thanks for the entry. -
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The first stanza is my favorite, too, and to be honest it's all that I wrote while I was in "that mood." But, well, I'd rather throw out a poem than submit it without a conclusion, so, well, there you have it. Maybe I'll redo it someday.
Thank you for your consideration.
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I kinda agree I don't really see an ending, things are left unsaid or left to interpret and that works very well here. I love these lines:
I swear I didn't plan this.
Your death is not my fault;
It was you who turned to the cruel moon. -
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I just meant to emphasize that I'm no angel but I'm also not responsible for everyone's mistakes. You ever feel that way?
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it's
good. creepy, killing, grr. vivid, onyx. and a black moon rising. gah
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'gah'?
Is 'gah' good?
I take is as a compliment, all the same.
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Wow
Bows before theis great piece. ^^ I think the ending fit nicely. I think you should have won better for this piece, but thats just my opinion. I will be back and I exspect more great pieces like this. ^^ Keep up the good work.
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Raise, I am but a Mortal
I figured if it began bitter, it should end bitter. Full circle, and all that. I'm glad someone thinks it worthy of a gold trophy; the fact that I don't have one pales in insignificance.
I hope to not disappoint you.
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I really liked this
its a very different style of writing...
very eager to read more -
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apparently, it's liked very much but not enough to win a contest. But I digress; I like writing with different structures, and I'm glad you like this one.
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wow this is good, I still don't know how this relates to the picture? I mean if I wanted a whole bunch of poems with there own meaning behind them, I don't know maybe I am just being to picky. The read it self is wonderful.
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lol
Regardless, thank you. If you think my poem doesn't apply to your contest, I won't be offended if you remove it. Please don't feel that I'm bitter; Your applause shows that you enjoyed the poem itself.
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Wow... That was definitely dark, and exceptionally weird. I guess it fits with both options 2 and 5, because it did sort of feel erotic... I don't know whether that was your intent or not, but it was very good, full of imagery and depth.
All I ask is that you put your option # in the authors' notes. Thank you for entering, and good luck!
L.
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Thank You, For The Wish of Luck
I need it; I recently broke a mirror.
Actually, I did mean for it to be a little erotic. I'm glad you picked up on that. Sorry, I didn't meant to forget about the number. I'll change it ASAP.
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Interesting dream you had here. I like the visual images you have produced with your words. Nicely done and described. Thanks for sharing.
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Love ur profile pic
Hey, imagery is my thing. Yes, it was, ah, interesting. Good use of evasive wording v'v
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Good Epiphany
Perhaps this relationship is not meant to be
But who is to say it was only a dream. -
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Wow, you rhymed in a comment. Working overtime?
The relationship wasn't romantic, but she and I aren't friends anymore, anyway. Figures, huh?
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Sensational
Great flow, one question was this written from the point of view of the knife? This was very well written!!
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I just realized I never replied to this comment.
Written from the point of view of the knife? No, but that's an excellent idea. Perhaps a re-write is in order.
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amazing
I beautiful poem I do like very tradgic but memorable. I deffinatly could see the scene and the..well i say brutality but i need to add love in there as well just too good for words this poem is (or too good for common words ) i love to read more when i get time but for now i shall say write on and talk very soon
TK
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I heart ur profile pic
Thank you, it's truly humbling to be praised like this. I understand; it is brutality, but only because love is involved, and so it's kind of soft . . . *shrug* hell, I liked it.
Luvvy, for the last time, it's ok that you don't have time; no one does. It's awesome whenever you get around to it.
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I came away feeling you led someone astray and are then blaming them for being stupid enough to trust you, and you were at fault for, but were blaming them for thier own death. Very dark. Still the poetic syle and the descriptions fit the subject and you have a definate flair for the macabre.
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Firstly, I love your name
Thank you, that is very kind of you. Really, it means more than you know.
You got the basic idea. Why should I be held accountable for being a tool of natural selection? Really.
I'm glad to have a reader who understands the innocence of murder.
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Our dreams can be some of the most interesting and freaky inspirations for poetry. It does have an unfinished feel about it, but seeing as it was based on a dream . . . well, how often are our dreams played out to completion before we awaken? Good writing!
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that's an excellent point
I didn't like how it ended with such animosity, but that's how it happened, and I wanted to stay true to the dream. I'm happy you thought it was worth reading. -
that's an excellent point
I didn't like how it ended with such animosity, but that's what it did, and I wanted to stay true to the dream. I'm glad you thought it was worth reading.
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fukin love it!
"And I've nothing to my name but empty walls."
pure genius =]
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Wow
v'v It's an old write, and I'm so happy it's getting good feedback. I'm psyced so manyu peole liked it!
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This is a absoloutly amazing write, I loved it beginning to end. It sounds like (in this poem) you are trying to escape from prison.. thats just my opinion.. im not sure if thats right or not but anyways.. well written.
Thanks for entering and good luck!
Sleep-N -
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Thank you, for the wish of good luck; I value these.
In a way, you're right; because my friend and I were together, we could not escape, and though we hated each other, we didn't want to separate. When we finally did, I didn't help - we were both still trapped, alone, and, in a way, dead.
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Absolutely Amazing!
This is an amazing poem, and from the first line you had me entranced. I especially loved the line "Because the barbed wire door doesn't open from this side", because it was so full of imagery. You are a great writer, keep it up!!!
Katriana xXx
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Why, thank you
I'm not exactly sure if that imagery fit the poem; I meant to depict a loss of escape. I guess I must have done it fairly well. Again, I thank you.
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I like this and I love the last line, by the way. Great imagery and full of emotion.
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>.
I kinda changed the last line since you saw it, but it's cool that you were touched by a single sentence. Imagery has always been one of my strong points v'v Thank you, and I'm sorry I'm, like, a year late. _-_
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