No fear
I hope you know if you do this now,
I will be dying with a passion,
I will die without my soul clashing,
I’m telling you now,
That I will die with a vision in these eyes,
With a fire in my cries,
Because my dreams will be burned in the earth,
And my words will be frozen in the air,
Because I have a vision in these eyes,
And I have a solid pulse in these words I speak,
And I hold a passion with what I write,
So if you kill me now,
I really don’t think I would care,
Even though you’re coming for me,
It is only now that I see,
I do not fear death,
Nor do I fear its breath,
So keep coming cause if you do it now,
I lived without doubt,
With my words, dreams and this vision,
Blurry but knew it provided provision,
I hope the world has changed,
Because if you kill me now,
I might let out a chuckle,
Maybe a smile,
I don’t fear death,
Nor do I fear its breath,
It’s okay because I lived the way I wanted to live,
So try it,
But don’t forget as you pull the trigger,
You can’t kill a man who doesn’t fear death,
Even though your coming for me,
I remain to be,
Unaware of deaths scare,
So before I die,
I’ll look deep into your eyes,
And watch you as my memories drip through your future tears,
You will never escape as you live with fears,
Because I have a vision in these eyes,
And I have a solid pulse in these words I speak,
And I hold a passion with what I write,
And finally I hold a dream with my heart,
That a gun,
Knife,
Or even a scythe could not tear apart,
so kill me now if it now seems clear,
in the end there will be no fear.
Author notes
Only the thoughts that I have lived a good life.
A contest entry
- Good poems by luther amy1.
450 points, ended January 14, 2007, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Hi again
re: "Thanks. If you don't mind I would like to know how you felt about the rest of the poem."
Whatever poetry is or isn't in terms of language, device, technique, etc.; I dare say one thing that is universal to "good" poetry is an audience. The greatest poem ever written isn't worth doodly if no one has seen it. You have an audience... Quoth said:
"You write with great passion and attitude. I would consider you one of the best 'modern' poets that I have read. I am looking forward to your next piece."
So take my following critique with a grain of salt... you're already winning hearts and minds but this is my take (and it's just on one piece... I haven't explored deeper into your collection yet.)
1. You're not really embracing the language here. There is only one word in this piece remotely out of the ordinary and that's "scythe". Otherwise you use very plain (read: dull) language considering that this is poetry.
2. Poetry should be more than ragged lines with end-line rhyme thrown on for effect. Rhyme is more of a liability than an asset when you have unmetered lines. I'm serious when I suggest you sit down and read a Dr. Seuss book. (I'm 47 and still love 'em.) What makes Dr. Seuss a hit with kids is, not just the pictures, but the rhymes that occur when they're expected. It has good rhythm and flow. If you're going to rhyme I would suggest working on the word flow as well.
3. One quality a poem needs to capture a large audience is to be compelling. What do we have in your poem above? There's you, who for some reason isn't afraid of death, but we really don't know why other than perhaps you're bored with life... having seen the things you wanted and done the things you wanted... you're ready now to move on to the next plain.
"Everything I had in sight I wanted to see,
Everything I had fought I wanted to fight,
Everything I dreamt I wanted to dream,"
See? That reeks of boredom to me. I've done everything I wanted to do, there's nothing you could show me that I'm remotely interested in... go ahead, kill me. I think you should offer your readers some tangible reason why you no longer fear death.
4. OK, so what did I like? One couplet stood out above the rest for me and that was sort of the climax of the poem which was:
I’ll look deep into your eyes,
And watch you as my memories drip through your future tears
That sparks a bit of a supernatural tone to the poem that it desperately needed by that point. I hope you can at least give a few of those points some due consideration.
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Owch
Easy on the pronouns dude! This is a common mistake for most budding writers. In fact, there was a contest just a few days ago where you had to write a poem, don't remember precisely, I think it was 45 lines, and you could only use "I" or "me" three times. Here's what your poem looks like with the meat stripped away:
I hope
I will
I will
I’m telling
That I will
fire in my
Because my dreams
And my words
Because I have
And I have
words I speak,
And I hold
what I write,
if you kill me now,
I really don’t
think I would
coming for me,
that I see,
I do not ,
Nor do I ,
I lived without
With my words,
I hope
kill me now,
I might
I don’t fear
Nor do I fear
I lived the way
I wanted to live,
I gave
I wanted
I had
I wanted to see,
Everything I had
I wanted to fight,
Everything I dreamt
I wanted to dream,
coming for me,
I remain to be,
So before I die,
I’ll look deep
my memories drip
I have ,
And I have
words I speak,
And I hold
what I write,
I hold a
There a few rare instances where you can make good poetry with "I"s and "me"s in abundance, but they are definitely a rarity.
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EDIT:
the next poem I clicked on was this one:
http://allpoetry.com/poem/2414821
You see how easy it is? My recommendation is, when writing something in the first person like this, use a couple I's and me's and then imply the rest.
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You write with great passion and attitude. I would consider you one of the best 'modern' poets that I have read. I am looking forward to your next piece. All the best, Chris.
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Thank you very much man its really nice to know someone appreciates my work. Most people are thrown of by rhythm or rhyme of my poem because they don't take the time to understand it. Thanks again. All of these writes besides a few are just saved on my computer, I just joined about 2 months ago and I save them for contest that don't allow pre-writes. I do hope you entered my contest?
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Good emotional write here. The tone was well set.
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Thank you very much for your kind comments.
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Awesome poem, I loved it!
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