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First Tear

You always said that I was going,

gone away from you.

You told me I was wrong in all ways,

and always said no.

I never cried once though,

even through all the hurt.

I held back everything to keep you there,

in my heart and out of my hair.

 

We only fought a few days,

but most were the best in the world.

You were my one,

the only one,

the best one in the world for me.

 

Till one night,

I didn't stay silent.

I reacted to the hurt and pain,

yelling harshly at you and your face.

I knew my mistake when you struck me,

my face starting to redden and bleed.

No remorse came to your face,

no regret for the pain you just caused me.

Then, for the pain was too great to stop,

the first and final tear for you fell.

Author notes

This is fiction.

A contest entry

Give me your expirence with this kinda thing!

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 22 of 22

  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    April 7, 2007
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    For me the last stanza is a little off. You yelled harshly at his face? It almost makes it funny, even though the circumstances of this is anything but funny. Overall this is a good piece, but there are a few places that need to be shaped up. Thank you for entering the contest. whisper


  • trista gold member
    March 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This looks like something you put a lot of thought and work into. Even though fiction, we all have to draw emotions from somewhere in order to write about them. I think you did that very well here. The final stanza shows a lot of strength on this person's part, to be able to shed one and only one tear. Unfortunately, I think too many of the most painful experiences we have, require a lot of tears to get over. Nicely done and good luck to you.

    Best wishes,
    ~J.

  • disparate
    February 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The strength to shed only one tear.. I don't have it, but wow, what a powerful ending that was. The first and final. A smart move. It's a pity a lot of women are unable to leave when they're being abused, that we feel we have to stay.. somehow, just someway we feel we need to stay and take it. It's our fault, they didn't mean to. Who knows.

    But to be able to say no and just walk away..

    Well done, I enjoyed reading this. Best of luck in the contest and thanks for taking the time to enter. I'm really sorry about how long it took me to comment.


  • RT michaels
    January 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    You use a powerful image to show the beginning of a terrible problem. The one tear, out of all the pain, could only be brought forth through his violence. A very nice job in creating a great piece of work. Thank you for the entry.


  • Rosemary Stroebel silver member
    January 28, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Welcome to AllPoetry

    This is an interesting poem and does feel very real in some aspects.

    Remember that not everyone will like your work but that is ok because we all have different tastes.

    Let the ink flow and your fingers dance

    Rosemary


  • Danna Hobart
    January 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This doesn't have any imagery. That is the first thing that we are looking for in this contest. Sorry, but this is disqualified.


  • bananasfoster42
    January 27, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    this is a great write. please be sure to put the option. thanks for entering!!


  • 0darkAngel0
    January 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    fiction but the pain that you sealed in here seems real
    a very well penned piece
    thank you for sharing
    and good luck


  • AngelDreamer
    January 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    wow

    that was great. thats all i can say. held yourself back tell you snap then it all snaps and you get hurt... all to litaroly... iv done that.


  • Lady-Pegasus
    January 24, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Thank you

    for letting us know this is fiction, for it brings back that terrible "firsttime" for many that have survived such. Well done write indeed, very believable.


  • Frogzter gold member
    January 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Such abuse and disregard for another human being is so hard even to read! This is a very poignant piece! It is truly sad that so many suffer at the hands of others, especially ones that are supposed to be loved ones! My heart goes out to you! Blessings,
    Frogz~


  • CrystalJet
    January 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this is really sad... I haven't had any experience with this, thank goodness, but even though you haven't either the feeling you portray is so strong, it seems like you are almost there watching it...


  • Abscessed
    January 23, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Welcome to All Poetry!

    The abuse is even painful to read in here. I thought you really brought all the pain and emotions to the surface here - made them real for the reader.
    Thank you for entering the contest
    I wish you luck and welcome you to All Poetry!

    abscessed


  • LittleAnn
    January 20, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Welcome to AllPoetry"

    There have already been a few suggestions about what you could change, so I won't also do that... For this being fiction, it was a good write, especially the last part that was more powerful than the rest.
    I wish you lots of luck in the contest!
    Keep on writtinG!
    Annie


  • honey bear
    January 18, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    very good

    thank you for sharing this with us,a very good read,good luck ng the contest and thank you for entering


  • Miss Faerie Greeters member
    January 17, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Thank you for your entry and welcome to Allpoetry!

    This is a poem that speaks well of pain and abuse for someone writing fiction. I do think I could tell it was not real, merely as when you read something from someone who HAS experienced this it tends to be a lot more painful.
    I think you would do well reading similar writes, to try and gain knowledge of the context. The pain of this is unbelievable...

    The last stanza got to me more then the rest and I think it's because it shows such vulnerability...
    Good luck in the contest
    Faerie


  • SurelyWritten
    January 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Very heart wrenching, you have alot of talent, especially for a new poet, but by the looks of things you will be outdoing us old poets before January is up! Needless to say I really enjoyed this, even though the content was so sad.

    May I make a suggestion though?

    "You told me I was wrong in all ways"
    This line I believe would sound much better as
    "You told me I was wrong in every way"..

    These next lines are my absolute favorite from this piece; "I held back everything to keep you there,
    in my heart and out of my hair."

    For some reason they just stood out and are now stuck with me!

    Anywho, Welcome to AllPoetry!!! Yay, I am so happy you joined us!

    If you ever have a poem you would like more comments on, send me the link and I would be more than happy to oblige!

    Oh yea, and best of luck in the contest!
    -shirley-


  • FifthDove
    January 4, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Thanks for the entry and welcome to the site!

    This is a sad poem and situation but it is also all too true. So many people have faced this very thing, very, very relatable. Nice work! Thank you very much for taking the time to write for` and enter our contest. Best wishes and welcome to AllpoetryDove


  • neveralone09
    January 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    aww this is sad too...no one should ever stay silent. I admitt it even with tyler I try to talk to him. Never yell at hime though this is sad and shhows what could happen again.


  • greyhaime
    January 3, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Thanks

    Thanks for entering this in the contest, and for a fiction it is well done, with emotion. I hope that you get the spelling errors fixed, it is a poem that is good, and I wouldn't want people to be distracted by some of those, well done and good luck to yo uin the contest..
    Krystal


  • Violet Moodswing Greeters member
    January 3, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Welcome to AllPoetry

    And thanks for enterring the contest. Your poem expresses the emotion of the situation you describe well. At the end of the poem you change from speaking to the "you" character to talking about "him" That can be a bit distracting for the reader so you might want to either change the end so that it is speaking to "you" like the previous portion.

    I do like the straightforwardness of the poem. It definately paints a very clear picture and is easy for me to get involved in.

    Best of luck in the contest, and again, welcome to the site


  • Little Eagle Greeters member
    January 2, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Thanks for entering

    This was very good for being fiction. You write the emotion of the abuse well. The flow was good too. You do have a few spelling errors though so you may want to fix them; reded should be redden, harshy should be harshly and heald should be held. Also you may want to add a the word in in front of your face in line 20. Other than that this is a good poem.

    Good luck and welcome to allpoetry

    God Bless
    Tammy

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