I was sitting at my desk and while sharpening my pencil
my thoughts wandered off into fantasy land.....
I see this world as a box of pencils
Somehow shaped alike, but unlike all the same
There's black and white, the greys and coloured
They all have souls, but a different name
Their souls are witty, with great intelligence
But intensive use will trim them down
Once in a while they need some sharpening
Or in a stumped sea they will drown
Not all souls turn out to consist of good material
They're harsh and cold, quite breakable thereof
Something's gone wrong when they were created
Maybe a short circuit in the energy stream of love
A few could be saved, but others were lost forever
Too many interruptions resulting in foul play
All they could come up with was a crooked line
Leaving very deep scars day after day
Sometimes it takes long, to replace a pencil
New ones are not always directly at hand
And though we keep trying to sharpen their souls
A fractured core can hardly be mend
Author notes
Option 2. Not a spoon
A contest entry
- When Superheroes Fail by Night Phoenix.
875 points, ended February 25, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I liked this one.
The extended metaphor is very well thought out and very true.
I guess where on the third stanza you drop a full rhyme for a slant would be the only place I'd say is lacking.
Great write! -
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Thanks
Thanks for your comment. Don't quite understand what you mean by 'drop a full rhyme for a slant'. Could be I've made a 'pronounciation' mistake again, as I sometimes do (being a Dutchie). Please explain it to me. -
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Full rhyme is where all the words are perfect rhymes;
a slant is a word that almost rhyme, you need to "slant" the way you speak it for it to fit as a rhyme.
Sorry for the delay on the reply, just saw it this morning. -
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I've changed that line, hope this one is a perfect rhyme, at least that's what Rhyme zone tells me LOL
Thanks for showing me. I learn every day.
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I love this one! It's imaginative and beautifully creative! It flows and the rhyme is well done too, thanks for entering!
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Thank you
Thanks for your commment and compliment, that means a lot to me, as English is not my native language.~Titia~
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Perfect! This is exactly what I was looking for for this option!
Rhyme flows well. Nicely done... I'm usually hesitant with rhyme, but you've done it well.
"Maybe a short circuit in the energy stream of love"
I love that line. That is a very, very, very well-written line!
"A few could be safed" -> "A few could be saved"
"Too many interruptions resulting in faul play" -> "Too many interruptions resulting in foul play"
Your concluding stanza, however, seem forced. I love the poem... up until that last stanza. Maybe there's another way your statement, still allowing the poem to flow evely the whole way through?
Best of luck in our contest! -
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Thank you
Thank you so much for your comment and for pointing out the typos. I've changed the last stanza, hope you will like it better this way.~Titia~
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