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Fizzle

 

I'll grant you dreams
  which fold the beams
    of light until
      your shadow gleams

I'll grant you shame
  to bless your name
    with blissful guilt
      and narrow fame

I'll grant you tears
  a moment's fears
    a glimpse of joy
      the span of years

I'll grant you pain
  the crushing reign
    of silence forced
      across your vane

I'll grant you space
  to briefly trace
    the edges of
      your aging face

I'll grant you breath
  filled brim with wrath
    a glass of wine
      to drink your death

 

 

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Comments

1 - 20 of 20

  • Ellis gold member
    December 4, 2007
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    Arrogant, Dude !

    You grant, as in God grants! No, at least this one rhymes. Cheers.

    • Zahhar gold member
      December 4, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      i was going for a sort of Zahhar-Cohen hybrid here.

  • Cylis
    January 22, 2007

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    This piece is breathtaking. "I'll grant you shame to bless your name." A lot of very interesting symbols and metaphors. You have an excellent rhythm. It just flows. It was totally worth reading.


  • Ink Shadow
    January 14, 2007

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    This poem begins almost nonchalantly with the anaphora "I'll grant you..."and then takes serious shape (almost unnoticed). I liked this fresh and relaxed rendition. Happy New Year to you and your family.

    D

  • My Nemesis
    January 10, 2007

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    The fulfillment of dreams - not always what we think it will be. That is what I see this poem about. Getting what we want, but then not wanting what we get. And in the end, those things are what kill us.
    I love the 2nd to last stanza. It made me think of our 'youth' crazed society. We can't have wrinkles...or gray hair....or any of the other myriad of things that age gives to us.

  • brown paper bag
    January 10, 2007

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    i have wanted to comment on this for a while.i think i know who or what this could be about.i like the subtle underflow.you mask the emotions well.i wish i could say more but i just feel this write is personal and not for me to make assumptions.
    ~helen

    . Rewarded 4


  • SuZyCuE
    January 8, 2007

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    To me I get a few different meanings from this.One sounds like the story of "Free Will" kind of like the good the bad and the ugly all rolled up into one. It seems as if "God" or whom or what ever you chose to believe in is showing us what happens when we take "free Will for granted". The other feeling I get from this poem reminds me of what happens to someone who is an addict and how that addiction seems to rear its ugly head into every aspect of their life, how it seems to take a hold of you and if not controlled will be your demise. Anyway, as usual great poem. Hope you are doing well
    Suzanne

    . Rewarded 4


  • BlackWidow43 silver member
    January 6, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    sounds kinda like the speaker thinks he is a god


    • Zahhar gold member
      January 7, 2007

      Edit | Reply
      that or the narrator is attempting to speak for god, who or what ever that is.
  • heinzs silver member
    January 5, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    :-)

  • Scarlett 4
    January 4, 2007

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    from this i got, by stanza respectively, hope, longing, love, hurt (obviously), fear and not sure about the last stanza yet. anger is my first thought but i may think differently once read again. brilliant, well worth reading a few times.

    . Rewarded 4


  • black kitten22
    January 4, 2007

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    Quietly beautiful write, i think i interpreted this differently than what is meant, i have never known any alchoholics so i dont really relate it to that, to be honest it makes me think of god, the greed and gluttony of humanity, being granted beautiful and wondorous things only to squander them, there is a story in the bible, i forget what its called, lot and his wife run away from a city because god tells lot to in a dream, the city is one of decadence and sin, god wishes to destroy it, he tells them not to look back, his wife does and she is turned into salt, do you know it? i suppose you could also relate it to eve eating the apple. Anyway...this is great write, im starting to warm to the shifting order of lines, i admit it works in this write, a simple dramatic write full of consequence and ultimatums, i very much enjoyed reading this, it made me feel uncomfortable in a very self aware kind of way.

    . Rewarded 4


  • CrimsonRain1313
    January 3, 2007

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    holy shnikeys!

    i stand in awe before the god of poetry. :]
    Wow. this is completely breathtaking. a picture of perfection. i absolutely love it. beautiful flow and interesting outline. i really liked the last two verses. "I'll grant you space to breifly trace the edges of your aging face". that gave me shivers. dude, this poem is comepletly awesome. it really makes me think. you've got yourself some pure, unbelievable, mind-blowing talent. ;] rox on!
    xXx
    -Rain
    xXx

    . Rewarded 4


    • Zahhar gold member
      January 3, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      what did you find yourself thinking about as you read? what did you see in your mind's eye as you fell over the imagery? what kind of feelings did you experience as you went through the poem? where? what were you brought to reflect on as you finished the poem?

  • Green Mother Rose
    January 2, 2007
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    interesting

    no words... its left me speachless.. bavoooooo... write on.. Green Mother Rose


  • grannyeri gold member
    January 1, 2007
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    Interesting write - liked the brevity of the lines and the flow of the thoughts in these verses. Sounds so happy at the beginning but has become much less so at the end. From optimism to pessimism kind of - Unusual background as well,

    • Zahhar gold member
      January 2, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      the background is taken from a piece of a composite compiled from the hubble telescope. i forget which nebulae it was from. but it certainly fits the theme. i'll probably use it for my next project poem, too.
  • Kay Laon Anders
    January 1, 2007

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    Hmm

    "I'll grant you space to briefly trace the edges of your aging face"....I like that....the last stanza kind of makes me want to sit down and stare at you for a long time to see where you are coming from but that wouldn't work even if I did...lol...I don't get the title ...fizzle?...you didn't give an explanation at myspace either...so fart...anyways hope you are having a happy new year although that last stanza kind of gives me the impression that you are not...
    great write

    KAY

    . Rewarded 4


  • braveheart15
    January 1, 2007

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    Nice...

    first off I love the title it's what attracted me to read the poem..it leaves you wondering what the poem is about. Also I really like the last two lines "a glass of wine to drink your death" My uncle is an acholic is I know what it's like to see people over drink. This poem was wonderfully written great job!

    . Rewarded 4

  • Molassis gold member
    January 1, 2007

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    Whoa... this is simply awesome!!! Those last 2 verses... they kinda capture how I have felt a time or five about my dad...

    I LOVE the rhyme scheme in this... it's a most spectacular piece indeed! The flow is flawless... steady, strong and regular...

    I like the neat appearance of the piece as well. What a poet you are!


    Perfectly written Zahhar!

    ~Melissa

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