I told the story
backwards;
of childhood
lovers
& the ache
of creation
& the
first man
I ever loved
(made
my own
const-
ellations
out
of sea
foam
bending
the
arms
of
octopi
into
stars)
[The Scattered Cosmos]
Phases of the night sky--
every dusk, mid-night
is déjà vu
as I untangle from
another's arms.
The moon's fingernail hangs,
sliver of a smile
greeting me
as I wind an old blanket
around my shoulders
step out to count the glitter
that breaks up the black.
[The Star Grabber]
He had a paper thin smile.
Carried my heart
on one hip & shot
straight from the other.
The bluest eyes I ever loved.
Hands thick enough to hold
each of those stars
& crack them into fireflies
to disappear on the horizon.
Recreated him in each lover that followed,
molding them from the water.
[The Creation]
He was to have a sparkle
& a cowboy sway
ride the tail of comets
with spurs of gold,
dance upon the dust
with a wink & a smile
hold out his arms
& teach to me
the art of flying--
[The Black Whole]
Daughter of a dream-
stowed away under
thick cotton covers
built with matchsticks
& wishes
an impossible vision.
Author notes
I still hate this spell checker (when it works).
I've rearranged this so much I've become detached with this piece. Fresh eyes are needed, now. Please, any thoughts on this would be appreciated.
In a list
A contest entry
- Don't enter this contest if... by Danna Hobart.
425 points, ended January 17, 2007, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I've played with this as long as possible... any suggestions?
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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I hit submit too soon. I left out that I completely understand how it is to fall into the same pattern over and over when dating. I saw that I was doing that when I was 18, so I quit dating for 4 years to "work on myself." And I was happy with myself at the end of those 4 years, but when I started dating again, I fell right back into the same old pattern. I would have never married my husband if I had not listened to someone I trusted when she told me he was a good man. She was right. Okay, I am babbling now...
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Thanks for entering
The moon's fingernail hangs,... Nice allusion to Jack Kerouac.
The first part is what struck the most chords with me.
bending
the
arms
of
octopi
into
stars)
I can so relate to that. I can also relate to trying to turn someone into something they are not (if only in your mind). Thanks for entering. This was a very thought provoking write. -
hugely dramatic, poignant, visual. But I'm not sure the one-word lines in parenthesis are working visually. Like the lines, just not the stylistic presentation there, not consistent with the remaining structure. other than that, well done.
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(made
my own
const-
ellations
out
of sea
foam
bending
the
arms
of
octopi
into
stars)
Ooooh.. I just want to kiss those lines
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Kiss them?
No making out with my words! They are innocent little words. We want to keep them that way.
!!!
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LOVE IT! The way you have style it and the way the words have been clasp with each other.
take care,
pretty.
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Thank you.
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OH Man! THIS is really good. I have to bookmark it when I am not dizzy anymore from my late night whatevers. It is the perfect poem to go to bed with as the closer for the evening. I will have stellar dreams now.
Yeah, and that bitch of a spell checker! I have been dropping mine into word and running a spell check on it there instead.
Bravo!
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Yeah, I have to go through ten steps, close my eyes, cluck like a chicken, and twirl 3 times just to get a piece spell checked before I post. I use to be lazy... back when the old version was friendly and not catholic school mean. Now I'm more careful of my spelling.
Thank you.
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Wow..
I should have waited to read this, to give it the right attention! Read it twice, and still need to read it again, lol. I'm sooo tired. But I loved this, I also think this is up there for one of my favorites of yours, my favorite part is the beginning. Excellent. I'm going to bookmark this to read again in the morning when my mind is sharper.
A brilliant concept, and I understand that state of detachment that happens when we work hard on a write, but this is really, really good. Honest.
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Aw. Thank you.
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do not become detached dearie -
so are you going for january too. i should try it but i would suck. lmao
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It was nice to accomplish, but damn it was hell on my brain! I couldn't put myself through that so soon. Maybe in 2010.
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aww now, i didn't think you a coward
tell me, are you the type that if i call you chicken you'll do it? lmao -
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but, but... you wouldn't do that to me. Would ya?
I could haiku it for a month. I wouldn't say they would be good haiku... but they would have 3 lines!
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-passes out from over-excitement at so many poemies at once-
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PS....another one I am bookmarking
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Aw! Thank you.
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AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!
This is one of the best I have read from you, and your best is hard to beat! Detatched from it????OMG it is great!
I love these lines, although I love every line:
"Phases of the night sky--
every dusk, every mid-night
is déjà vu"
So romantic and magical......Yep...this is a Meli-style write for sure
Lynda
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I bet you held this in all through December just so you could curse Dec... Other than that I'm with Cherokee---- (good)
-shirley-
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Thank you.
LOL Yeah, actually. I've been working on this most of dec. I just couldn't get it finished, completely, during my December Trial.
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Wow. I'm not even sure what to say about this... it's very full of emotion and unique images... Very complex, too. I don't think I have any suggestions, I love this as it is.
~Diana
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Thank you.
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LOL Help me out here...
is that a good shocked face or a bad one?
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