Like a black hole, he pulls me in and there is no escape.
He beckons and I can no more resist than cease to breathe.
Moving closer as if by a force of gravity I go to him.
Emerald orbs and blazing cerulean meet in a violent collision.
There is nothing to do but fall into his eyes, and I do.
There is an entire universe there, a world created in his eyes.
Those luminous blue pools captivate me and I surrender.
Opalescent fangs trail along the column of my throat.
The Gods stare down from their home among the stars
And I pray to Almighty Jupiter to come to my aide.
From his celestial palace he watches for a moment and then
He turns from me, laughing, and I am lost to the dark one!
Pain flares as twin incisors pierce my neck and I cry out.
With every pull of my blood I feel them, shards of ice
like razor blades ripping through me, body and soul.
In shallow gasps I struggle for precious oxygen as my heart slows.
Irregular beats pump my life’s essence away and the cold,
A cold that is deeper than anything I have felt before takes hold.
It penetrates deep into my core, freezing me from within.
Death is upon me like, pulling at me as he pulls the blood from my body.
I am helplessly caught in his thrall, struggling uselessly to break free.
Spiraling into the darkness, I try desperately to fight him but I cannot.
Down I fall, deeper and deeper into the endless void, pleading, praying!
I call out for salvation but there will be no miracle rescue for me.
There is no light, no warmth, no hope left for a wretch like I.
Trapped, helplessly caught within his gaze I scream one last time.
My words are snatched cruelly before they find their way from my lips.
I can feel it, the icy hands of death upon me, choking me now.
My eyes loose focus, glazing white and unseeing as I breathe my last.
I can feel him, the monster that holds me close, the vampire at my throat.
His blacked aura reaches its obsidian tentacles to wrap themselves around me,
Caressing and seducing me until I wish I could stay there with him forever.
There no hope for me as, with the final beat of my heat, I accept him.
My world has been turned on its axis, but I do not regret the decision.
I will awake, my wicked master by my side, and I do not fear the fall any longer.
My sinful sire and the galaxies locked away in his eyes await me and I know,
All will be alright if that dark, beautiful giant is there to catch me when I fall.
Author notes
Option #4 in I Want to Love you Contest
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This went in a completely different direction than I had originally intended, but hey, it's all good.
I used these words from the word bank:
black hole, gravity, collision, universe, blue, stars, jupiter, celestial, flares, oxygen, irregular,core, spiralling, white, axis, galaxies, and giant.
A contest entry
- ~Inspiration from the Universe~ by deadcolor dreams.
450 points, ended February 11, 2007, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I want to love you. by sweetpearl.
950 points, ended February 1, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bury Me In Black #2 (dark poetry) by EvenStarsBreak--x.
450 points, ended April 2, 2007, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - anything dark is good! by Gasp.
1500 points, ended April 8, 2007, 30 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Anything, just make me show emotion. by JulietteArielle.
300 points, ended April 13, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Vampire? by juliex-exotic shine.
400 points, ended April 30, 2007, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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That really pulled me in, very well done.
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Thanks!
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well
I hate the ending. I found the phrasing in the last two lines to be rather childish compared to the superior diction throughout the rest of the poem. Other than that I loved the aura and mysterious disturbance although it was lost for me at the final touch.
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Thank you for you comment. I understand your remark on the final phrasing, but this was written originally for a word bank contest and I needed to sum it up and use the rest of the words pretty quickly. I have a rewrite of this poem around somewhere. I may get around to posting it here. Thank you.
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i love the words you use!!
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Thanks little brother, hehehe
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np =)
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there were alot of good parts in this poem, it was hard to pick a favorite part.
"There is no light, no warmth, no hope left for a wretch like I.
Trapped, helplessly caught within his gaze I scream one last time.
My words are snatched cruelly before they find their way from my lips."
so i chose, it was very striking... good job and thanks for entering my contest. -
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Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.
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I liked the ending but I kept getting lost in the long sentences that sometimes seemed to drag on, it seemed. You have some great lines:
"Trapped, helplessly caught within his gaze I scream one last time.
My words are snatched cruelly before they find their way from my lips"
Thanks for entering and good luck -
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Thank you for the comment. I have another version of this poem with shorter lines and more breaks between. I'll post it as soon as I find it. My computer has been hiding it from me. Thanks again.
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Oh, wow... *lunges at applaud button*
This really sent shivers down my back as I read it. It's one of those pieces that are so dark, yet so enticing, just like a vampire... I have a thing for vampires, and I've never read a vampire poem I liked better than this one. I wouldn't change a thing.
It was also fascinating to see where you took this piece from the beginning...I loved it!
Truly awesome job...This was amazing. Never stop writing!
~QoA
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Thanks I do have another version of this. You'll have to take a look when I get it up here and let me know which you prefer.
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I'm surprised I got a vampire write in my contest. I didn't expect that at all, but a surprise is a good thing after reading so many entries with the same clusters of words popping up everywhere. Originality is a real plus with me, and I like it.
However, I think it the lines written are abit too long. It looks more like a story, than a poem. It reads more like one as well. I find poetry is more effective with shorter lines, or so is my opinion. A good start, I'd say, is to go to the next like after every coma, or form of punctuation, like this:
Like a black hole,
he pulls me in and there is no escape.
He beckons and I can no more resist than cease to breathe.
Moving closer as if by a force of gravity I go to him.
Emerald orbs and blazing cerulean meet in a violent collision.
There is nothing to do but fall into his eyes,
and I do.
There is an entire universe there,
a world created in his eyes.
Those luminous blue pools captivate me and I surrender.
Opalescent fangs trail along the column of my throat.
The Gods stare down from their home among the stars
And I pray to Almighty Jupiter to come to my aide.
From his celestial palace he watches for a moment and then
He turns from me,
laughing,
and I am lost to the dark one!
Of course, it could use alot more line breaks then that. I find it hard to focus on a poem like this, it's hard on the eyes, because the words cram together, and you can easilly lose your spot. This is all my personal opinion, so it's your choice whether or not to take it seriously. Heres an example of your poem, none ofthe words are changed-
Like a black hole,
he pulls me in
and there is no escape.
He beckons
and I can no more resist
than cease to breathe.
Moving closer
as if
by a force of
gravity
I go to him.
Emerald orbs and
blazing cerulean
meet
in a violent collision.
There is nothing to do
but
fall into his eyes,
and I do.
There is an entire universe there,
a world created
in his eyes.
Those luminous blue pools
captivate me
and
I surrender.
I noticed when doing this quick example, that you have alot of filler words that aren't required, or could be reworded to flow better. Words like 'but, there, and' are...' ecetera, tend to do nothing but fill up space, and it is often advisable to find ways around them.
Anyway, thank you for entering, and good luck!
~Lindsay
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I see what you mean, and after reading it with the changes you suggested, it looks and reads a lot better. I'm going to go through and do a bit more editing on this piece. Thank you so much for taking the time to offer these suggestions. I'm still trying to tweak my style, suggestions are greatly appreciated.
P.S. In my mind, as I thought about entering this contest, I wasn't thinking about a vampire poem. Then it just morphed into what it is, kinda took on a life of its own if you know what I mean. Maybe I just had vamps on the brain Thanks again. Let me know if you like the rewrite better?
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GREAT!
Wonderful.
Different!
Dark, and very good.
It put an image in my head, it was wonderful!
So....................amazing! -
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Thank you! You know you've succeded when the reader can envision what you're saying, thank you for the comment.
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Wonderful
This is a deep and emotional write. YOu have colored it with great words. I think this is great. I wish you the best in the contest. Good luck. I think you have a winner. Great job.
Tabitha
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Thanks! I didn't really know where I was going with this until it was done, I just wanted to enter the contest because it looked kewl. I'm glad you enjoyed it and I appreciate your kind words
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You are welcome
tabitha
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