Shadowy figures dance around and around
Each with masks across their faces
Translucence not enough to be reflected in the mirrors
The undead swirl and notice the human girl
Hilarity bubbles up from watching me quake
I can feel them want me; to torture and kill me
Snivel as they come before me; touching me
Hands reaching out; wanting me for their own
Desire the taste of my blood; so innocent; so sweet
Untouched by undead hands; until he comes for me
Embrace my figure; carrying me in strong arms
Puncture the pale skin against a quickly beating vein
Bittersweet red courses down your lusty tongue
As his blood drips from a small wound
Entice me with promises of romance and blood
He touches me in front of all to see: claiming me
Passion growing every moment; giving in
Take as much as you need me for; I no longer care
Pulse fainter and fainter as blood loss kills me
Black covers my eyes still wide with need
Ephemeral death refilled with fervor to kill
Stand up for the masks to see the new undead
Fervent movements break me from the masquerade
Break apart the doors with the mass following
Sinuous roads lead me to a place of worship
Candles lit inside with singing flowing out
Paradoxical on how my life was pledged to you
Now I serve the undead and lead them to power
Edify my people with the downfall of yours
Nothing tastes sweeter than virgin blood
Sanctity showered in blood of the mortals
Leave each body dryer than a desert
Anonymous undead come crawling in to kill
Fangs piercing and screams crying out to the heavens
Massacre who ever gets in the way of damnation
My maker comes to give me a kiss so deep with blood
Expire the faith; which brought so many together
Come my love, we have a faith to destroy
Author notes
Used these words in order of appearence: shadowy, translucence, hilarity, snivel, desire, embrace, bittersweet, entice, passion, pulse, ephemeral, fervent, sinuous, paradoxical, edify, sacntity, anonymous, massacre, expire.
Kinky...
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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So...
So I liked you poem alot because it had when mine are lacking. It had meaning and direction. A clear emotion to zone in on as it went. So I couldn't really help myself and I rewote it in my 'style'. I hope you like it because I appreciated the imagery from yours as an aid.
Though hidden and silent thier path none evade
The shadowy figures above all obeyed
To find in this place there to be such a girl
It a feat to be seen given bounce of her curl
And to want is to have and to have is to be
For when you know their way there's no other to see
And the need for the want keeps on wanting the feel
Of the feeling to feel if the feeling is real
But is cut down in size when among them there lie
One who's will to the meaning the others do cry
For a choice isn't chosen when that choice it said
In same mettered rhyme going off in your head
And the claims to the cause given cause to your need
For the will of my own comes of wills that you breed
And the tempo is ticking in time with the chant
When in giving it all off the coil you slant
But is saved by the needing for the need that you knew
Is the needing repeating in all that you do
And the call to uphold it is called to your claims
That the call to the power is given new names
For the power is just in all things it would do
And were it to command it your lives would be through
For your lives have already been given to claim
By the unspoken Gods who delivered no name
To be spared from the horror that I plan to ensue
For damnation too all are my tidings to you
And the kiss of my maker doth seal this today
That the faithful shall fall and the lies be our way
I hope you don't mind if I add this to a list of my own poems, of course giving credit to you in the authors notes.
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Oh Alie I will miss you, your dark work will live on forever my friend, this piece was absolutely amazing as yours always are...I loved the flow of it and the imagery you always invoke in every piece, I am in awe of you my friend,and I shall never forget you....
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good...WE WILL MISS U!!!!!!!
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the beautiful kinkyness of it all. In love poems of vampires, yet again you amaze me at how you just make the words come to life
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Wow, great imagery here. I love your style. Great work! I really enjoyed reading this.
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wow~
this dark ,emotinal,its cool i loved it ,fav part:Shadowy figures dance around and around
Each with masks across their faces
Translucence not enough to be reflected in the mirrors
The undead swirl and notice the human girl
Hilarity bubbles up from watching me quake
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This was pretty good. Very vivid and chilling. I really liked how you carried out this poem...it seems very 'real'! I also enjoyed your word usage. Most of the time, this poem was very descriptive, so you could really 'see' the scene. However, it seems like sometimes you could be just a little bit more descriptive. Some phrases just seem a little bit...undescriptive, unlively, boring. "blood loss kills me." There are several like that. Maybe just make it a bit more interesting.
Sometimes you change tenses and it's a little bit confusing. For example: "I can feel them want me; to torture and kill me
Snivel as they come before me; touching me."
I also wouldn't repeat words close to each other in the poem. Maybe change one of the 'faith' s in the last two lines?
Also, while often this piece has a great flow, sometimes it seems a little bit awkward, and the reader's rhythm is really thrown off. Try reading it aloud--it might help. You might try editing that...it shouldn't be too difficult to add in or take away a word here and there.
Overall, though, I thought that this was a really great piece. Very dark, very vivid, and darkly enchanting! Wonderful job and thanks for entering my contest! -
I haven't read your poems in a long time, so I'm behind. This one is not as dark as some that I've read in the past. Your word use has grown alot. This has a great flow and easy to flow. Sorry I've been away so long.
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wow, you are the mistress of the dark, my friend, lol you did a great job on this keep it flowing and good luck in the contest
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Every time I read your work you leave me speechless ^_^ And yes, I did find this rather kinky *sly grin* As always it is a lovely piece of work.
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Dark but really good
Wow! this poem is really good. I would have to agree with Red Roses. Its an awesome poem. I like your word order that you used in this poem. Great Job!
Nikki
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This write has a nice crisp flow to it, and your imagery is excellent. Ifound it very easy to read. Its a damn good write, honestly. Keep it up
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I like the way you strung the words in this poem together nice work the flow was really good I think you put a lot of thought into this from how it came out good luck in the contest lots of love Robin...aka SH
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Chilling Dark
wow, you sure are good with writing dark poems, this poem is AWESOME, beyond words
red roses
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