One step in the dark
I still move
But the sight's not there
Still I haven't seen sun
I sleep with a book by my side
And a bottle thats totally dry
I don't know how I got by
I scream so loud
That I run to hide from the sound
I could break
Into a million pieces
And fall down to the ground
Looking back at my past mistakes
Drifting days go by
Lying still
While I'm rotting away inside
I dream of freedom
From the things that make my world so red
Darkness reigns over me now
Will this cloak of darkness ever be shed
Author notes
option: bad day/experience
A contest entry
- Look deep into the contest!! >> OPTIONS by Dreams27.
600 points, ended July 1, 2007, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Titles.. Titles and Did I Mention TITLES???!!! by NooNiThEWitcH.
405 points, ended July 26, 2007, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Insomnia by Danna Hobart.
300 points, ended September 2, 2007, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - You Got a Problem You Just Can't Hide... by ILUVuBUTuDONTluvME.
475 points, ended September 7, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
comments from the peanut gallery
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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One step into the dark
I walk
vision blurred
sun sheathed
A book sleeps by my side
empty bottle
I don't know how I got by
screamed so loud
I ran to hide from the sound>>>>i can't think of how to reword...but i think things can
be strengthened .
I shatter
into a million pieces
fall to the ground
look back at past mistakes
days slip by
lying still
decay consumes greedily
freedom fights to surface
from demons that clot my world red
now, darkness reigns >>.should change this
Will this cloak of darkness ever be shed?>> sort of cliche innit? can't think of how to change
so I just put my edits in; you can compare and keep or discard what you like/don't like
I tried to get rid of all the gerunds ('ing' words) and all the 'I' and 'my' as they don't do much
I hope I helped. If you have anymore questions; message me
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We all get days that bring up a past we'd like to move on from, but on those days we can learn a great deal about ourselves and our strength. Good write.
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its good
I have to say, it was cool. good news is theres always a good day ahead :-). -
This is so deeply touching. I don't think there's anyone who hasn't had days like this where they just want to give up. Very well done!
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thats deep and its amazing!!!!
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Thanks for entering.
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AWESOME!!!!!
Hey why did you write a bout me????j?K i use to be this deep into hell.
You amazed me with this one. Awesome. aweesome.
Well done poet, pen on Poet.
tory
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EXTREAM!!!
This is very good. I loved it. It was short but I got the point very well in my mind. This is vivid and amazing. I love this. It really is great!!!
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Sad and dark with a thread of hope at the very end. I am glad someone chos this title. I coul feel your emotions very well throughout your poem. I like your word choie, bits of flow and yor imagery.
Keep on writing and thank you s much for entering my contest.
Nooni
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awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww this was such a sad poem and just wow, I loved the emotions and pain I can feel coming from this poem, wow just awesomeness,
my favorite part would have to be:
sleep with a book by my side
And a bottle thats totally dry
I don't know how I got by
I scream so loud
That I run to hide from the sound
I could break
Into a million pieces
And fall down to the ground
Looking back at my past mistakes
Drifting days go by
Lying still
just wow, loved the imagery and emotions in this write,
keep writing
~Ashley~<3 -
Awwww... so sad. You have an amazing way with pouring emotion into your poems in a way that the reader can take as their own. Amazing. You are very talented.
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an excellent write
Very well written
thank for this entry
Take care, Sam (Dreams27) xxx -
The poet pens a freeflowing rhyme,the imagery has clarity,the reader able to envisage the isolated character within a state of introspection,one tentative suggestion offered re presentation,perhaps the poet may consider leaving a space between the end of the poem and the poem page so that the reader does not immediately lose the focus of the poem by reading the very next line re contest details,just a thought dear poet.
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Wow that is a rather unique and awesome responce to the poem. Very cool. You must be a great poet too.
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Very good
A nightmarish experience admirably expressed.
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