The Rat in the Hat

(in the vein of Dr. Seuss)

I have a wife
she has a brother
if he wore a hat
he’d be the Rat in the Hat brother.

Why do I say
what I say here?
he’s my brother-in-law,
should he not be dear?

No, this guy’s a rat,
not for one reason, but many,
for each reason I list
if you give me a penny
I would be quite rich
I’d have so many pennies.

You see, my friends,
he has a problem-
he needs to impress people
in order to rob them.

He will pry into finances
with eyes full of greed
he will take all the money
all the money he sees
he will take it quite fast-
with the greatest of speed.

Truth means nothing
to this bullshit-con artist
(please pardon my language
I'm trying my darndest!)
whatever the subject
whatever the art is
he'll pretend he's a genius
he’ll pretend he’s the smartest.

Name-dropping’s his game
though he knows very little
but it’s good enough for pretense
as he maneuvers in the middle
of you and your money
he'll make you fell small
not worthy of all
that Rat in the Hat money.

So protect you and your honey
your savings, your money
from this Rat in the Hat
when he tells you you’re funny-
Yes, for flattery
is a tool in his bag,
the tool of a rat,
a Rat in the Hat.

I would not rely
on his help or advice
I would not rely
on him once, forget twice.

It’s his own power he seeks
and a sick power it would be-
he would not care for you
he would not care for me
hence his greed and his lies
his crooked smiles and coos
when he's grasping for power
by stealing it from you.

He’s a Rat in the Hat
this brother-in-law of mine
yet I’ve treated him cordial
I’ve treated him kind.
I’m sure he despises
this weakness of mine.

So next time I see him
I will not pretend
that he’s A-OK,
just a regular guy.

He’s screwed all his family
he’s screwed all his friends
you are up next
he’s your friend, he’ll pretend
until he’s spent
all of your money
all on himself
and not you and your honey.

Sorry, lil’ kids,
the world is not right
not everywhere here
is happy and bright
when Rats in the Hats
are running outside
Rats in the Hats
who’ll steal you blind.

Rats in the Hats
can be brother-in-laws
Rats in the Hats
who come to make calls
abusing your trust
ruining life for us
these scummy scumbags
with their vain greed and lust.

Sorry to say
we cannot easily get along
as long as there are rats
in hats to make wrongs
that keep us wary
that keep us apart
these scummy scumbags
more destructive than smart.

So that was a lesson
on the Rat in the Hat
more deadly than green eggs
and ham, I’ll say that!