A drunk driver kills two today
Oh, why couldn't it have been another way?
Young children are left to face the world unknown
They are left all alone.
There's a trace of sadness in their eyes
How this world is filled with lies!
Have we forgotten how to be kind
Or is it hidden behind our mind?
Satan's foundation is based on pure deceit
How i wish tragedies wouldn't repeat!
But my wish is just a blur
when anger in this world begins to stir.
So listen to your inner voice
And make the right and mature choice!
I know this won't change this place
But you would see a difference in your face.
Have we forgotten those in misery
And left them to become a mystery?
We need more of helping hands
And less of vicious guerrilla bands!
Trust is what this world needs
Instead of some more evil deeds.
We have left in the streets the poor
I'm starting to think we don't care anymore.
Where will the oppressed remain
Will their cries be left in vain?
Is to show a little compassion much to ask
When will this place take off its mask?
It's hard to say, but these problems could be solved
If a little love we didn't hesitate to show!
Author notes
I won 1st place with this poem at a competition- it was the 1st real poem that i wrote.
A contest entry
- OPTIONZ!!!!!! by sparkling-assassin.
345 points, ended December 30, 2006, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - options contest #2 by gothchyld.
600 points, ended March 12, 2007, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - a contest for poets with thick skin. by duke of balabamas.
300 points, ended April 14, 2007, 24 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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First I'll start with a couple of tips.
Now you don't have to do them because this poem is great!
Here are the ideas that might help.
On this line here -
" How i wish tragedies wouldn't repeat! "
the i is lowercase and should be I.
The other thing I would suggest..
" So listen to your inner voice
And make the right and mature choice! "
I would change it to something like...
" Listen to your inner voice
Make the right and mature choice " !
That way the word " and " isn't repeated plus the word " so " can be erased.
Now, other then that.....
I totally agree with Everything that you're saying in this poem.
A lot of people don't seem to care anymore and it's sad
The world does need to show more love indeed!!
Thanks for the wonderful reminder.
Kari
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There is always hope for a better world. And the first step is to recognize the problems! You pointed out a lot of really important ones.
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I loved how you pointed out the flaws with our country. It has an amazing flow, and rhyme scheme. Amazing write!
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I loved the way you pointed out all the thoughts you have in poetic form
It did work with the rhyme, as it wasn't cliche "cutty, cutty wah wah" stuff
It really was interesting as it was your point of view and everything that is going wring in the world
Well done
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This is very good Ale E! And it does not sound forced.
Very good flow....great job!
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Awesome
Hey there Ale E. Wow this is brilliant. The rhyming i think is awesome. When reading this I could feel that it came from the heart and therefore it has reach my heart. Great writing Ale, keep up the good work. Thanks for the read.
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this sounds so much like one of the ones i reviewed last night. im assuming its the same author, but ill give you the critiques any way.
a series of rhyming couplets really should be broken up into smaller bits to avoid forcing the reader to rush through the piece. if this is the same author, it seems to be a style choice of yours that is really hard to swallow.
this poem, too, suffers from a bit of wordiness with lines like
"Satan's foundation is based on pure deceit"
in that particular example words like "pure" are simply not necessary. something more along the lines of "foundation rests on deceit." it just seems a bit cluttered with lines that have some extra word, and it doesnt quite make sense because you strayed from any metrical for that i can see.
thats the enxt point, the point ive made with every poem on here. i think this one executes well as far as flow is concerned. its an example of a poem that really doesnt need the tedium of meter, but i would still suggest doing some meter-work in other pieces so that roughly corresponding meter becomes natural. its often a good thing to play with the flow of your piece, but unless youve mastered proper meter, its going to be pretty hard to maneuver.
content-wise, the piece was a bit scattered and redundant. you make your point rather early on and just kind of throw in filler (which is often where the wordiness comes in). perhaps refining your images and making them consistent throughout would do a good bit to help this one.
overall, the piece has some form and image issues, but an adequately executed flow and earns about a 65/100.
DS -
I wanted to leave a comment about a comment that was left for you about the rhyme scheme just to help you out a little more.
Since this poem is in the "free-verse" style, there is no set rule that you need to follow for the structure of the rhyme or the syllables. In fact, I could not find error with the structure in this at all and I have taken 5 ten week creative writing class in college. So, I wanted you to know that you do not have to worry about counting syllables in this.
Just write!
+ One rule of thumb I always following when reading critiques. I never take suggestions until, until there are more than 2 comments about one specific area of the poem. For example, if I get a comment that my title is all wrong by 10 people, then I think about changing it, and only if I feel as the "creator" that it needs changed. Just a little FYI.
You are very talented, and I would be honored to have you come by and visit my web site when it opens to show case your outstanding talent. Great Job indeed!
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WOW
An absolute brilliant write!
The message was great and the way each line flowed into the next displays your values and talents as a poet.
Good luck to you in all that you do in life!
I know that you will go far.
-Katina
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Wow, you illustrate a rundown of many problems of society, and with such skillful, structured rhyme. I particularly like the reference to 'Satan', it seems to emphasize the maliciousness and injustices of the world. It's even better that you attempt to make suggestions to the chaotic world that we live in, and include the feelings of frustration as citizens. Well expressed, and good luck in the contest!
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SweetnessB)
Yea this was a great poem i loved it great write you nobviously a very talented writer one of the best ive seen i look forward to reading your other works -
wont happen till the mindset of society changes... it cool to drink because it makes us appear tough ...yeah rusty jocks number so tuff we were rusty jocks or a fool' paradise because no amoun of drinking will kill the pain or the sorrows just wake up feeling like there is no tomorrow....if we need such subtances to face the truth of who we are then what a sad pathic world we are......so we go and kill a few people let's say it for what it is ..MURDER premediated if we drink and drive yet so many wear it like a badge of honour.....till it comes knocking at your door then it is too late. Amazes me how drugs can be so condemn yet alcohol is in a way worshipped.....brilliant post yeah if we really wanted to we could solve it but money talks loudest.
nice one glad you won that contest well deserved
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Yeah. I really feel deeply for all these issues. I wish we could just think. Thank you for your comment.
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I like the flow of the poem and the style it is written. The subject tugs at the heart strings. I love the message of the need for kindness and compassion (in action not just in words). I also agree and really like this line:
Satan's foundation is based on pure deceit
How i wish tragedies wouldn't repeat!
It is sad to see how in this world we see repeats as if no one learns from the mistakes of others. Very well penned. Good look in your contest.
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Thank you so much. I'm really glad you liked it and really understood the messages that lie within every line of this poem.
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This is a beautiful piece! The rhyming was fantastic, it did not sound forced at all! he flow was amazing too! I liked the message behind this and the truth that is written in every line! There are so many deaths, many caused by people themselves. As you pointed out, some decide to drive when they are drunk. And they hit someone or maybe the parents, or the kids. with that single blast, their life stops and their loved ones have to survive on their own with a loss caused by a fellow human being. I really liked the questions posted in your piece, the bluntness and the truth behind them! This is really beautiful! Thank you for posting and spreading the message around. Hopefully one day, the world would change but I personally doubt it. I just hope this world would become a better place. I think you have an outstanding talent in writing poetry! Best of luck to you in the contest!
Love
Poetess99
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Thank you truely. I too doubt that this all would change but just making it a better place would make the difference. Thanks!
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Outstanding
I agree with this, people should not be drink driving, there is no excuse for it. I thought this poem was well written with an excellent use of rhyme and a strong message.
Best of luck in the competition.
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Thanks
Thank you so much. It really means a lot that you liked it and that you see the message that i am trying to get across.
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A drunk driver kills two today
Oh, why couldn't it have been another way?
Young children are left to face the world unknown
They are left all alone.
There's a trace of sadness in their eyes
How this world is filled with lies!
Have we forgotten how to be kind
Or is it hidden behind our mind?
Satan's foundation is based on pure deceit
How i wish tragedies wouldn't repeat!
But my wish is just a blur
when anger in this world begins to stir.
So listen to your inner voice
And make the right and mature choice!
please do not paste back half of my poetry in a comment in my poem. thanks. -
Nice poem. I love the consistant, Plus it doesn't sound forced. Nice job. Good luck. xoxo-Mariah
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