Each capillary of light
had been warped dry from sunset.
Even as the hours
grew into me like kudzu,
I still didn't think
about all the things
I had really needed
this natural silence for.
I came here expecting
to jigsaw back into place.
But it seems
I've only given the fragments
freedom to release more than just heat
and carbon dioxide,
to move in such a way
that might be considered beautiful
rather than calculated.
And I don't know now
if being absolute
is what I really wanted.
Author notes
After about five months of not even attempting to write, something finally struck me. It's not how I feel anymore, but there was a period in which I did feel this way.
I realize that this is shite. I've done this poem a million times before with slightly different wording, and I'm pretty bored with it. So in the coming weeks I'll probably be doing some experimental poems.
Honesty is appreciated, as always.
Comments
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There were quite a few pieces of this I liked (along with a few that felt a little shaky). I know you said you were bored with "this poem", and so maybe are not much up for revision; but I'll give a few suggestions anyways.
First off, I love the two lines;
"I came here expecting
to jigsaw back into place."
It felt unique and fit very well into the piece.
I felt like the first half of the second to last stanza felt a little forced and awkward with a flow that was a little disrupted (you really regain your flow at the end of that stanza when you say "to move in such a way that might be considered beautiful
rather than calculated."
This piece was actually really good, it brought forth a few new ideas and images that will stick, I really like your writing style
.
Amanda
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Thanks. =] I'm not up for editing this poem in particular, since it was written mostly to give my writer's block a kick in the pants. But any constructive criticism is certainly helpful, so I appreciate you taking the time to offer it.
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Looking for more recent writes, but this is the most recent one you have posted. Glad you wrote again, and hope that I can soon read another one of your poems. Experimentation is good, so hope you are writing, experimenting with new words, new lines and new thoughts. Liked the ending to this one - don't know if being absolute is what I really wanted -
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Thanks. I have been writing some. Not so much poetry, but more like a chronicle of all the things I've dreaded writing about in the past few years. So maybe once I'm comfortable with that I'll start writing seriously again.
I really appreciate all your encouraging comments. =]
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Very nice. Lovely imagery and descriptive word choice in here. The opening coulette and the form was an excellent way to begin/write this poem. It's really a lovely poem. Keep it up ma'dear.
Life be blessed
Brandy♥ -
au contraire- this is beautiful. i love how this could apply to many things...is it intended or originally about vietnam, as the video/picture thing suggests? i really love the theme you play out between concrete/abstract and order/chaos. its something i often wind up touching on when i write too. the last stanza is beautiful, as is the title. the length and stanza breaks are all very effective. i guess i dont really have any suggestions, beautiful writing!
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Excellent and Empathetic
I read so few poems where people tell me what is really going on with their thoughts and of the frightening options that they face to frame their lives constructively. This writing style is much like an eye test at an eye doctor's-when they substitute one setting after another in the frame. It takes a while for the eyes to focus and for the images to form; and form, they do. And when they do, they are in very clear focus. I had trouble only
with the first verse. I have alway thought dampness caused something to be "warped." Also, I might have wanted something less exotic sounding than "kudzu" like crabgrass.
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I really enjoyed the comparison to a vision test. It's really true, but I've never really thought of it like that before.
You know, you're probably right about "warped". I'll look it up to make sure and change it if need be. Thanks for the heads-up.
As for kudzu, I've never really thought of it as exotic. Maybe because I live in the south, and I see it every day. I just thought that the alarming way in which it grows, and its sort of creeping upon and choking of trees relates to how lost time feels to me. A minor annoyance like crabgrass kinda pulls away from that.
Thank you for taking the time to give me an honest critique. I really appreciate it.
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Chemistry
Do you like chemistry? Your poems seems to always involve some sort of chemical...I love it though. I like the line about being considered beautiful instead of calculated. As well as being absolute. Those are the best parts of the poem I think because it seems to be the root of this poem, everything else sets you up for that point to be made. Just thought I'd point that out; I like it, I don't know if that's what you intended because you said you reworded it a lot. I agree that it's not your best but I'm so glad that you are writing again.
What's a kudzu? Your poems are always filled with interesting things. -
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It's not so much chemistry I like as just the science of the human body. And just employing science in general in my writing, as I don't think it's something used that often.
Kudzu is a vine that grows over tree trunks and up into the branches, eventually choking the tree. It usually occurs in southern states (like Tennessee, where I live), on the outer edges of wooded areas, and it grows/spreads like CRAZY. It gets to the point where you can't even tell where the ground is supposed to be. It's really pretty, but nearly impossible to kill.
Anyway. I'd really like to thank you for always being there to read and comment my new stuff, even when I disappear for long periods of time. It means a lot.
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Not a problem, I'm always eager to read your stuff.
Also, it's crazy how much clearer everything get just from understanding one word! Kudzu is a beautiful word/image choice for this poem.
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Oh. This is a nice little piece here. And despite what you think, I liked it. It was expressive and open in the words and thoughts. It allows your readers to step in and see things from your point of view. I know maybe it's not the most earth shaking poem ever, but I liked it well enough.
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Heh, thank you for your honesty.
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I think it's beautiful. I'm in love with it.
There's really not much else for me to say. x
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Well, I appreciate that muchly.
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I must say I got more than I expected out of this poem. As I read your biography on your page, I was like what an amazing person. But then I read the title of your poem. To be true, wasn't expecting much at all. I thought one of those usual ranting poems. But this was GOOD. It gives the idea of walking through this room of indifference and then this whole idea of being absolute. My favourite line was ~ I came here expecting/to jigsaw back into place. Welcome to Winklings. Love, Sam *hug
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Thank you for such a kind comment. I read your page also, and it's good to discover a fellow environmentalist. I'll be reading and commenting some of your work either tonight or tomorrow.
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It's refreshing to se see a classic Andi poem. The 'capillary' usage was like a warm breath of nostalgia. You always have this delightful, clinical tone in your poems. Like you're dissecting, or carefully rebuilding something complex. It's like, while you write these poems, you have a microscope and tweezers, the way you piece together every little intricacy of every word and phrase.
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Thanks, Sarah. I really appreciate it. I've done some revising, though. Can you tell me what you think?
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You added a lot more tang. I don't know if the kudzu line is new or not, can't remember, but I just now realized it's one of my favorite one liners to date.
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