she stuffed
her face
with hollow
promises
while she
made love
to a
gelatinous
orgy
of empty
calories
laying on
her side
on a cum
stained
mattress
she gurgled
watered down
sweet
nothings
as if
she were
getting
face fucked
by jesus christ
himself
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Always loved this poem, its raw imagery and the natural-sounding rhymes. I wish I knew what exactly you meant with this, though I know you generally don't like to explain your poetry. It fascinates me in an odd way.
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I just nearly died. Holy shit. Really. Holy fucking shit. You are so incredibly and unbelievably talented. I am envious.
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I think your ending is excellent and seals up the poem quite nice, but I do feel that the rest of the body could do with a bit more attention.
Each stanza feels like something connected to an invisible stanza in-between, like there is more to the story than you have told us.
I also think it might be in your best interest to look into formulating the poem so you don't rely on "she" to introduce or continue each stanza.
A lot of poets use words like "she", "I" and "you" because they are unsure whether or not their ideas are getting across unless they guide their readers along, when really, that isn't true at all.
The image you are creating displays itself wonderfully if the way in which it's structured is done correctly and I know from reading your poems previously that you are good at organizing your work and keeping it vacant of anything unneccesary.
However in this piece it seems like you tried a little too hard to keep things to a minimum, when a little freedom of mind is all this poem needed to open it up to an infinite amount of possibilities.
You know what they say, sometimes perfection ends up becoming a curse. I know what that means for sure! Everytime I go to edit a poem it turns into a hell of a process and nearly makes me rip my hair out!
Hope I have been helpful.
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Thank you for the comment, Kenny.
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You're welcome. Let me know if you make any revisions and I'll be sure to come check in on this piece again.
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I will! It'll be a while though, I'm in a writer's slump. Can't even write an essay for school.
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The best thing to do to get over writer's block is too continuously look for inspiration. For me, it's usually something I see happening in the world or something happening within myself.
Also, a good idea would be to listen to lot's of music, especially stuff without lyrics, and take part in anything and everything you can to keep your artistic edge constantly updated.
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wow this was deep. I like abstract poetry and this is very abstract. I got out of it that this woman feels like she has to choose between God and her lover so she imagines Jesus to be her lover or something like that. I liked it though. It was almost comical in a way.
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Oh my!
What a provoking poem!
You have a mastery of the english language, a mastery of story telling!
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WOW!
OMG! This is raw and powerful, chaotic kid!!! Hit me between the eyes like a Mack Truck! The vividness of the images alone are amazing. Taut and concise. Each stanza describes an aspect of a hollow soul trying to fill itself with everything but what it really needs and the final stanza just knocks your socks off. Great to see your muse has returned in full force.
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Oh my. Ha. Love it.
CUM cum cCUNMMMMCMCMMMCMCMC'
cum?
you have a way with words.
I think I understand, I love veiled poems.
love.
love your face fool.
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What a lovely poem. I think I have crapped on my chair as a result of reading it. Will you be willing to pay my dry-cleaning bill?
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GLORIOUS!!!
This is a totally wonderful poem and I love how you have identified with a sleazy slut who knows nothing but the hideous and ghastly self-gratification of satanic fleshly lusts and yet she knows deep in her heart that Jesus offers a chance of redemption only if she casts aside her past sinfulness and grovels in the dust and filth before Jesus. I understand your use of metaphor and simile and other grammatical wonders and I am gobsmacked totally and utterly and you are a wonderful poet and I shall add you to my favourites. If only so as to tell Satan where his friends lurketh!
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OH MY GOD!
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