We look around and realize this world is filled with hate and not enough love;
So we slit our wrists and close our eyes and take a long nap in the tub;
Our skin is cold, our stare is blank, as we wait for the last release;
Our brains wind down, and our thoughts end as our breath begins to cease;
No thoughts of regret, until we think of what we do leave;
Memories haunt our death, what we've done we can't believe;
We listened to the lies, hope's never really lost;
We bleed, we bleed, and blood comes at such a cost;
Our life was worth it, our was death a waste;
Such sweet air, never again to taste;
A change of mind, we try to rise;
Nevermore to see the skies;
For us it is too late;
This is our last fate;
Regret, accept;
Suicide;
Panic;
Death.
Author notes
I used a syllable countdown- 18 syllables are in the first line, and they go down one each line until the last, which has only one.
A contest entry
- Anything Goes... As long as it's deep... by CrystalJet.
450 points, ended March 3, 2007, 93 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The "point" is? by Nicole Hanna.
2100 points, ended February 23, 2007, 58 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your prewrites!!!!! by Nereida Nightshade.
450 points, ended February 19, 2007, 101 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Very creative and very true. This poem is dark and has so much truth wrapped in its words. I love it. Thanks for putting it in my contest it was a pleasure to read!
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Interesting. I've never seen rhyme approached this way, and I have to say, I found it very intriguing. Original (though I don't honestly know if it is original or not- I've just never personally run across it). With that said, I can't very well comment on the form itself, because it's totally new to me.
I can say that, reading this, I felt the subject was a little in-your-face and preachy. That's probably not how you intended it, it's simply how I'm reading it. It's not necessarily a bad thing at all, it's just that I don't really like socially or morally subjective subjects. Just a personal thing. I really am likin' that form, though. lol. I think you've inspired me to give something new a shot, so I thank you very much for that! And also for entering my contest and allowing me the chance to give an opinion ; -
Wow, this is a really amazing piece. I really like how you talk about how they don't realize what they are losing until it's too late.
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Whoa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a great write. I could feel the emotion flowing through the whole thing. I liked the last couple lines,
"This is our last fate;
Regret, accept;
Suicide;
Panic;
Death."
Great lines. great write. keep up the good work
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