white
and everything numbs into clarity,
brash certainty
in precise lines, ironed straight
(as the flesh curls, bubbles
redly. burning)
once, I dreamt of fading –
mist outside my window
(but it was only first-floor height,
glass-shatter
would flood me with crystals
and a broken back.
paralyzed.
and I knew, sympathy clinging to my elbows
drags, slows,
- makes permanent -
what need have I for an anchor?
I’ll wait on new-york
or maybe paris. I hear the Eiffel Tower
is ‘romantic’)
celtic legend –
walk druid into vanished time,
a golden scythe
for mistletoe –
red berries, this year?
but white, the robes, so hard
to keep pristine
antiseptic retreat,
even the grass too frosted to bend -
if only bare feet bleed,
it’s a small price to pay
(for keeping these sleeves
so white)
Author notes
This analysis (and, indeed, this poem) is part of an assignment for ‘Litournament’
Tool 1: Title. Here, I chose ‘Solstice’ (after finishing the poem, as always) to link towards the druidic and pagan references later in the poem, also the bleakness and depression of the Winter solstice (tomorrow, if you’re interested) and the recurring theme of ‘white.’ The sounds in the word are sibilant, with a biting ‘t’ in the middle – this is bitter, not sweet.
Tool 2: Line Breaks. I use these more or less by instinct – stanzas split where a subject is moving on, or retreating. Sometimes I break a stanza to give a larger breath, but mostly it signals a change. The individual lines break unexpectedly, in places – the word before a full stop or comma. This gives extra emphasis to the stranded word.
Tool 3: Assonance. This is something new, actually. For me at least. I’m used to sounding things subconsciously, internal rhyme and alliteration that only pop out when I reread, but this time I tried to give it some conscious thought. The word ‘white’ – well, that was the entire inspiration, really. Soft followed by harsh. I used harsh sounds in two particular stanzas, according to the feel of the piece rather than the subject matter, actually. Suicide was treated gently, as a release, whereas the two stanzas outside that theme were harsh, unforgiving. (I’m counting the first ‘white’ within the first stanza here) Also, I used harsh sounds in the second half of the second stanza, within the brackets, as it depicted the violence of a failed attempt – and was then followed by the molasses-thick feeling of ‘trapped’ in the projected paralysis. The finishing brackets were deliberately soft until the final bite in ‘white’
In a list
A contest entry
- In Search of.... by Nicole Hanna.
1000 points, ended January 13, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - oh, to just disappear... by CarCrashHumor.
1500 points, ended August 15, 2007, 48 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Very nice, but the analysis doesn't cut it. If the reader doesn't understand the poem, it's either because the poet fucked up metaphorically, or because the reader isn't experienced. A poem should stand on its own, without giving it color with fancy backrounds, or explanations. But that's me. Other than that, I like.
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ergh, I hate how it says "add to finalists list" when it was already added, so I click it just in case and it says "removed"
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I really enjoyed this piece in all honesty.
and I think your analysis was interesting. I like to hear what the author says about their work and the explanation of references that I connected to other things in my head.
beautiful job. -
Very good
I have always wanted to use the solstice metaphorically in a poem. Still haven't done it. I have set out to do it a couple of times, but ended up with something different along the way.
This poem is amazing. My favorite line was:
walk druid into vanished time,
Your analysis of it gave me a deeper appreciation for all that you put into it.
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BRIGHT
and yet bleak as well, unique imagery combination! Good luck in this and all your contests -
I would double applaud your display of this poem if I could
The simple white sets it off perfectly. It is quite stark and does not allow the reader to be the least bit distracted from the poem.
For me, I saw an ebb and flow of grow and go and try to live up to what we think this life should be about. Sometimes it is a bit harder than we anticipated and sometimes we cut our feet trying to keep those sleeves clean.
You poem was more of an experience than a story, which I like a lot. I am able to put myself into it and draw my own parrallels. Nice touch.
Oh, did I mention that I really liked it?
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My only suggestion here would be to either use the punctuation and capitals correctly or perhaps just don't use them. It really dissrupts the flow. I love the general theme and image you present. I believe that the correct use or lack of use would give it a boost and help add to the allure. Trina
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A very powerful and strong piece. I enjoyed it very much it was a unique way to pen how we all feel about winter. A great poem so many people may be able to relate to.
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It's winter - but not. Only in the sense of 'trapped' 'sterile' and wishing to escape... And, my I'm making absolutely no sense tonight, ignore me.
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Okay, lol, confusing... :S
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I enjoyed the single word start, it made my mind wonder what was coming next. The only thing that threw me with the first stanza was the use of a period between redly and burning, I just don't see a need for it.
Continuing forth - at the same time, I love the ending of stanza two, a single word with a period. I feel the strength within the word, the solitude as well.
"(I'll wait on new-york
or maybe paris. I hear the Eiffel Tower
is 'romantic')"
I am not sure how I feel about that stanza, I understand why you have it there but at the same time, I am also not sure if it is completely needed. I know Justin said something about abstract, without it, you are making it slightly more abstract. It's the images of new-york and paris that make it extremely concrete.
And I adore the final stanza (before the final two lines) - really well done. Your imagery is outstanding and the time that you have taken to explain what you used and why show me just how serious you are about this contest.
A wonderful first piece! -
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This piece has received an official grade, and any further edits will not be considered for judging.
I want to start off by saying that you presented a highly enjoyable piece to read. I liked your imagery, and you showed a strong sense of ability to present interesting phrases and images.
In accordance to the rubric, you scored higher on the top than you did the bottom half. The reason for this was I felt too must imagery was used, and not enough abstraction. There were some amazing, concrete images that were produced, however there was not enough lines to balance it out-- that is, lines that reveal the meaning by stating it explicitly or subtly. Too much imagery leads to an abstract message that a reader has a hard time deciphering. Therefore, in that and the consistency you lost some points.
Hopping back to my original point though, you showed a terrific amount of potential. I feel that you used the lesson well, and overall provided a nice explanation of your intentions in your comments. What I would have liked to see more was a specific example (several, actually) that were cited directly from the piece, as to then I could refer to that specific section and note your effort there.
Nice start to this competition; a very worthy writer. Thank you for your submission.
-- Justin -
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And - forgot to mention, in the 'Title' section - 'Solstice' was also chosen for the duality implicit - which Solstice? Winter, or Summer? It's flipside, to itself.
I used to get yelled at for that in essays - making points and not backing them up. I'll have to remember that for (hopefully) future rounds.
With the imagery - I see what you mean; this was almost subconscious in some ways, and we (I?) think in images deeper down, below words. It's chaotic, to an extent, I agree. I don't do well with being direct about emotions, not when they're personal - I come at them slantwise, show pictures and allow those watching to interpret, or not. Fairly often not.
And, yes. It's late. I shall apologise for general incoherence and hyphen abuse, and leave you be ^_^
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Very nice. Thanks for entering
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