she says that when she sleeps
she is ankle deep
in tea bags
i touch her once
when the scorching water
drains her limbs limp
she used to own
a thesaurus full of antonyms
to ensure her escape from
passivity
in a red t-shirt blaring
"punk rock is dead"
tracing theories in the sandbox--
she was movement,
give-a-damn-less when i ached
for fluidity
like burnt sugar on my tongue
sweet and
unforgiving
a phone call from the doctor
dropped an anvil on
the sugar cube dissolving
i tied a string
around her finger
when they wouldn't let me follow
i read Highlights
that was then
i wonder still who held her hand
while she quivered
she walked out
the doors self-sealing
hiding
van gogh's ear in a jar
perhaps
a pile of putrid mistakes
expunged from the womb
i contemplate
epitomes of red
the double meaning
of her t-shirt
buried bundles in the pavement
we meant well
we meant only
to salvage our lives
with stainless steel
we make believe
we make people
out of play-doh
tell their stories
when she sleeps
i am ankle deep in guilt
the promises i make
when we make love
are not enough
to make ammends
Author notes
boyfriend of a girl who just secretly had an abortion
lightlikefeathers.
In a list
A contest entry
- ... so I kind of have writer's block [Pre-writes very welcome] by blackday.
1500 points, ended December 26, 2007, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
that was the most amuseing read i've had all week.
the subject was a bit sad.. but gosh damn the flow & boldness of each line was just too much; i had to save it. glad your getting recognition in this contest; you deserve it
♥
-
My poetic libido isn’t quite what it used to be, so forgive me if I sound a little blunt in this review. The title really seemed to jump out at me and I was actually quite captivated the entire duration of this piece. Some of your metaphors were a hit and miss, but collectively never failed to aid in hinting towards its intended meaning. Another good note is that; given its complexity at times, I was still able to pick up on the subtle hints and get good idea of the scenario.
-
Yep. Loved this. The images were just too orginal & the metaphor & gah. I liked it a lot. There were so many amazing one-liners.
-
-
thank you very much
-
-
this really creeps up on you. weaves around, gentle, reflective... really caught me by suprise.
the ending is perfect.
some amazing description and choice of details
"she felt like burnt sugar
on my tongue
sweet and
unforgiving"
wow.
"i read Highlights"
"give-a-damn-less"
and i found the connection between her dreams "ankle-deep with teabags" at the begginning and his guilt at the end very effective. love the structure of stanzas 12-13.
the transitions between past and present tenses threw me off a bit sometimes and some lines...
"of why i loved her perfect"
"she never knew
the meaning of passive"
"said she had me on a leash
all along, but then
she needed to know"
also, this does drag on just a tad bit.
still, you have created two strong, distinctive characters, and written an impressive poem. thank you so much for entering!
on revision:
your revisions have really whipped it into shape. i love the thesaurus of antonymns... you have really demonstrated her confrontational, "take the bull by the horns" nature.
splendid job with this!
-
-
thank you! i'm working on rearranging the present and past tense stanzas to make the thought process less jumpy. i wrote this poem really late at night so i'm going to work out all the bugs before the contest closes.
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
