You could have been my hero,
but you chose to stay away
Anything instead of me,
every single day
You could have been my hero,
you had more important things to do
I'd stare out my window,
just for a glimpse of you
You could have been my hero,
it would not have taken much
A little of your precious time,
or perhaps a hug or touch
You could have been my hero,
it would have been such fun
Please dad come and play with me,
I am your only son
You could have been my hero,
but you just let time pass by
Now that I am dead and gone,
you sit and wonder why
Why I took my own life,
and why I was so sad
It never even dawned on you,
it's because I had no dad
You could have been my hero,
but you chose to stay away
And now you stand beside my grave,
because it's my birthday
You could have been my hero,
but now that just can't be
You could have been my hero,
if you had just loved me
Author notes
whyitt u
A contest entry
- #4 Losing a loved one. by xox-lankan-xox.
500 points, ended March 13, 131 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options For All, I Want Emotions! by okadadokie.
550 points, ended March 20, 2007, 40 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The First and the Last by TabbyCat.
900 points, ended February 13, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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only HMs??? i am crying here. i didn't sleep much last night, so that has something to do with it. good job with pulling out emotion and a few tears
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I liked the structure of this poem. It's such a sad subject, but I really liked the point of view you took. It was different and made the poem very interesting to read. I think it's an increasing problem that more parents are spending less and less time with their children so they don't really know what's going on with them. You portrayed this issue in a heartfelt and lovely way. Thank you for entering the contest and good luck
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This is absolutely tragic....
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It's a very pretty poem. It has a deep needy feeling about it. All the person needed to do was care and they could have made such a difference. Excellent write.
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I would take the fourth stanza out and make the fifth the last.
But then you must have improved so much since this was written.
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'you had more important things to do' has too many syllables, perhaps 'you had other things to do' would read better?
I didn't really like the death at the end, it was too much of a 'feel sad' cop out, suicide seems like a guaruntee that your reader with empathise, but it's so overused that it does the opposite. You don't need a death to make it sad, a child abandoned by their father is sad enough.
Thank you for entering. -
Great job here. Really well written raw emotions. I can relate to this poem. Tis filled with sadness and pain. Great rhyming also. Good luck.
~Oka
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I know I have read this poem and commented on it but I must have forgot to press submit, I have scored it and you can message me if you want your score. Make sure to include the name of your poem. I remember that I really liked this poem because it flowed well and the message was clear and hard hit. Thanks for entering, and I'm really sorry about the mishap.
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Thank you for taking the time to enter this contest and the best of luck to you.
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Wow.
Wow, this is just....wow. It was so sad, I was crying! Wow, you have a lot of talent. This poem has a lot of emotions, and honestly this was very well written. Yet it's so real too, I will keep this poem in mind when judging the contest, thanks for entering my contest and best of luck!
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awsome poetry
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Brilliant, amazing, terrific, touching, sweet, despairing...I'm running out of words here. This is another of my favourites...it..just really hits home. Take care xx
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Stop making me cry!
This is really good..heartfelt..relatable. saaaad.
Angie <3 -
Stop making me cry!
This is great. Heartfelt.. relatable.. saaaaad.
Angie <3
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wow, strong emotions and a very important message youve written here, shows how we all could be more caring and reach out more, we never know how our actions can hurt or help someone, great job and thanks for entering and great job. - Jacen an IndividualEleven.
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God this is horrid, would of could ofs and shoulds ofs of life... absolutly devasting, well done
Though i think you may have gone a bit overboard with the suicide but that is just my opinion the rhyming flowed really damn well, an enjoyably upseting read
nay x -
wow
wonderfully powerful write, so sadly touching. It is that very thought that has me doing things my own kids think are silly, like hugs at odd times or insiting on good nites and I love you's. -
Awwww
this is so sad. yet so real. its funny how things happen like that everyday yet the people (fathers in this case) have no idea what kind of an impact they have on their children, what a simple hug or loving touch ... even an i love you, could do to them. Kind of like i am with my friends, doesn't take much to save me from a night of tears but no one knows.
anyways, good poem i loved it. and it was really easy to relate too, just in a different way if that doesnt sound too oxy-moronish. haha. good luck and thanks for entering!
~RR
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