Misty moonlight marked the place -
the back seat of the car, looking up
at the window while the drumming rain
added to the music of
Meat Loaf's playing on the CD.
I felt nothing at the time
but allowed it all to take place -
some kind of initiation ritual I guess
wanting to find out what it was about
but never thinking it would be this bad.
Watched the droplets hit the glass
as a predator played himself out
and paradise wasn't really
all it was made out to be
in a secluded campsite by the highway.
White moon through painful passion
virginity taken, not given
yet wetness of weakness inside
seemed to accompany
the outpouring of torrents outside.
Staring straight through the glass
meadering mind elsewhere -
through tears of shame
wishing water would cease
and night could be erased.
Author notes
Seeing the white moon through rain drops - thought of what it might be like parking some where with some guy doing things that one really did not want to do, but did anyway. Loved Meat Loaf's Paradise by the Dashboard Light - added it to this write. My entry into the sixth round of the Poetic Challenge. http://allpoetry.com/column/2333433
A contest entry
- Rain by kales4.
450 points, ended July 21, 2008, 90 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bark At the Moon! by Justinintendo.
550 points, ended July 15, 2008, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
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Wonderful write-worth every piece of Gold!
xxx Hilly
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This is really good, really thought invoking. Great write...good luck to you in the contest
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This is such a powerful write, good use of imagery and emotion flowed through this piece. You did a wonderful job capturing the meaning behind this and I thank you for sharing this with us. Keep up the good work.
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Thank you for entering my contest. This poem was quite interesting. I love how even though this person seems emotionless, the weather is reflecting how she may be feeling inside. That is a wonderful display of technique. This background is killing my eyes though... and making me dizzy. anyways nice write and good luck
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Did you read the rules? I specified the one rule was warm, happy memories. This is a well crafted piece, strong images and good flow, but it didn't fit into what I asked for.
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Wondeful poem!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*stands and claps* Fantastic work madom!
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WOW!
Creative.. I see the ladies are kicking butt and taking names! LOL! hthis is a strangely written piece.. though I enjoy the stranger side of life... this shows creativity and passion for this challenge.. thank you for another stimulating piece!
Mel
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This is really sad and painful. You did an excellent job with the descriptions, and the background and picture will had to the feeling. Best of luck in the contest.
Jeannie
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Whew!
Damn. This is...robbing my tongue of words. But you shared the wetness extremely well...it's on my cheeks. I can see this scene so vividly, the girl's stark white face reflecting the moon. The unpretty shifting of her body as she is invaded. Excrutiatingly well done!
xxoo
dk
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Unique
I loved this. Takes me back...that is for sure.
The imagery is splendid. Very thought provoking and I love the added Meatloaf line. Was a great song!
Thank you so much for sharing this fabulous piece of literature.
~MotherMachineGunn~
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chilling.... i can see the images in my mind... i love the line
"yet wetness of weakness inside
seemed to accompany
the outpouring of torrents outside."
this is a really great write, it is full of emotion (or the absence of emotion! "mnd meandering elsewhere") and imagery. -
I have been in this place, it just didn't involve cars, so this brought back a lot of memories for me, tis a tragic write, but in a sense the imagery you created was perfection.... I applaud you for tackling this, tis wonderful
Karen -
Better watch out!
'Ol Ned McGreedy might
be lurking around there.
My ex & I use to do this
song on Kareoki night.
Loved the poem, was done
very well. Good job
~Ron~
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Amazing imagery and meaning. You have a wonderful portrait of how any person would feel if this happened to them, and how the would want it gone, or erased, disappeared. I love they way that looking through at the moon was more of a symbol of being in the car instead of just simply saying I'm in a car. Great background by the way. Great job,
Ryan. -
Nicely done ~
Very good job on this write granny ~
I always try to mention pieces which stand out for me in reviews....this is it here>>> White moon through painful passion
virginity taken, not given
yet wetness of weakness inside
seemed to accompany
the outpouring of torrents outside.
Staring straight through the glass
meadering mind elsewhere -
through tears of shame
wishing water would cease
and night could be erased.
Beautiful hun ~
Best of luck to you and the Gals in this Round ~
Bear ~
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Good
Showing your creativity,G..imagination goes wild,and you have done a wonderful job of this work...Love your special effects...I feel sadness,your regret in this poem..good title! Line l..Misty moonlight marked the place...Good introductory sentence..creates suspicion and wonder. Last line wishing water would cease and night be erased....Very very Good! -
Wow-
My jaw just dropped to the floor and right now...I am absorbed by the liquid essence that You have created in this Masterpiece~
In our female group we can discuss this one more if You like~Get the Ladies together~~~
but one Powerful verse for the images just sent shivers....
Thank You for sharing this busy bee~
Best wishes to You in the challenge~
Many blessings too
and much love~ Desire~*~
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I have had my time in the hay in the back of an old '69 Volkswagen beetle but I wanted it to happen. I have had the terror of it happening when I did not want it too but that is to be shared at a different time. This is fluid. I can see this happening, and it surely holds a light to the blank stare, and "feeling nothing".
I love this stanza, it vividly clear, and concise;
"White moon through painful passion
virginity taken, not given
yet wetness of weakness inside
seemed to accompany
the outpouring of torrents outside."
This is sad, forlorn but very well spun. I wish you the very best in this round my dear friend.
Always ♥
Renee
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