Tonight the world will sink
as soon as I have unleashed
the real me
that has been slaved by you.
My soul weighs me down
by the atrocities you have done.
Not too deadly according to you
but I think different.
Under your influence
the Lord of the Sins
I have been chained doing your bid
without much of a word.
But now I have broken those chains
my body burns in hate or desire
I know not what
but the truth is they hurt my core.
I stare at the smooth surface
that reflects my perfect curves.
The ugly signs of slavery
all over my body reminds me of hatred.
So now I summon my devils
to transform my ugly form
to that of a beautiful mistress
with powers enough to torture men.
My eyes starts to hurt
I blink again and again.
Something seems to be changing
but I know its for the good.
As soon as I get my powers
there will be a new prophecy
which will be known to no one but me.
But now I wait...
My eyes turn tender shades of green
as the green robes
of envy start to expose themselves
and as the creature of jealousy
begins to evade my burdened soul
scorching me down slowly
to a painful point
yet making me stronger minute by minute.
My eyes transform to light shade of yellow
as the yellow gown
of avarice open up a new door
and as the jingling ornaments
beautify my outside appearance
providing within me a warmth
given only to the queen of the avarice
whose heart and soul are chained.
The eyes burn turning maroon
as the maroon robe
of pure tempting lust
speaking of the flesh hidden beneath
enhanced by the power of mortals
attraction towards feminine viles
creating the insides to turn in desire
that only I can fulfill.
The eyes take on a shade of navy
as the blue gown
is filled with sloth
which starts to unfold around my body
making me lose myself in an abyss
of my own selfish self
and the power to make things happen
without much of an effort.
Transformation to the shade of violet
as the violet robe
screams of intense vanity
that brings in the craving
to walk forth and see others bow
in respect and smile at my beauty
as I speak of myself as the Queen
of those who I see as me in my reflection.
The orange shade takes over my eyes
as the orange gown
unfolds to reveal gluttony.
The hunger for the delicacies
without which mortals cannot live
but their survival is in my hands
...the Queen of Gluttony has descended
to destroy the world as I defeat my hunger.
My eyes hurt as the red fills them
as the red robe
unveils the power of naked rage
that destroys the core of ones existence.
My body takes on the desperate emotion
of anger to kill
to eradicate ones reason for survival.
My anger is my power..I am a sinner.
Tonight my body screams
my soul howls in frustration
and my hearts agony and desire develops life
as it takes on the signs of the deadly sins.
The slavery that I have suffered for years
will come to an end
and as I hit the world with my wrath
the world shall cry for mercy.
All my colours are reuniting..
the red,orange,green and blue
with violet ,brown and maroon
turning into the deadly colour of black.
The power indeed lies within
tonight it has come to be..
The Lord of Sins has enslaved me .
Now my body and soul is set free...
Tonight...
Author notes
Option no 3..something concrete and unimagined!!
Mosy fate
INspired by dis pic of martha dahlig!!
http://fantasy-fan.info/pictures/other2/martha/a_martha_2-b.jpg
A contest entry
- BIG POINTS 1st place 1000!!! Impress Me! 100 line minimum by tinydarkgoddess.
1400 points, ended December 18, 2006, 25 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your words do bleed by AshliiAsphyxiation.
600 points, ended March 24, 2007, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Imagination by burdened.
600 points, ended April 30, 2007, 29 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 53 of 53
-
well written
The way you bring all the sins together is long, but excellently done. Your lexus is pretty good and the imagery is beautifully dark.Thanks for entering
-
Wonderfully written piece of darkness. Incorperating all the "cheerful" colors and creating darkness from it, sheer genius. Dark and long, but its a good long. I actually wanted to get to the end because usually the longer they are, the more played out the poem gets. Good long write and good luck.
-
Impressive Write!!
A most powerful piece....very enlightening...
Deep write..
-
Good
I liked it, the idea of using the deadly sins colours to portray emotion was a masterstroke.
hmmm...
I especially like this paragraph:
Tonight my body screams
my soul howls in frustration
and my hearts agony and desire develops life
as it takes on the signs of the deadly sins.
The slavery that I have suffered for years
will come to an end
and as I hit the world with my wrath
the world shall cry for mercy.
I like how it has an overall sense of finality in it - as well as the fact that it brings the purpose of all the colours together. -
You give justice to the deadly sins. I got shudders. I like this a lot. Keep the flow and good luck.
-
I enjoyed this poem, thank you. The narrative kept me hooked from start to finish and I really enjoyed the way that each color took on its own personality -- in my mind that's what poetry is all about, giving new shapes and textures to things we think we know.
You've done a great job at putting a system to a poem (the deadly sins colors) and yet making the stanzas and rhyme flow so the reader doesn't feel like anything was forced. Great job, thank you. -
Wow. I have to say, I was impressed. I liked how you associated colors with the seven deadly sins. Though I didnt catch on that untill the end, lol. But very nice poem, thank you for intering, and good luck!
Megan -
this...was wow...i loved the imagery and the eyes and how you incorporasted the seven deadly sins into it. just wow great job and est of luck.
-
Genius
Loved the colors and picture! Good luck.
-
Very creative this poem is so full of darkness hehe I really liked the part when you wrote "Tonight my body screams
my soul howls in frustration
and my hearts agony and desire develops life
as it takes on the signs of the deadly sins." You have a really great talent and best of luck! -
Very interesting, powerful and captivating piece. Well done on keeping my interest, I do not normally like long poems, but it was only when I was looking back that it struck me how long it actually was. I could feel immense power radiating out of the screen and loved the colour descriptions as you matched each one to a sin. Inventive. Thankdfor sharing and take care XxX
-
-
Thanks burdened!!
it is very long...but the contest i wrote this for wanted a poem of exact 100 lines...hence..
preets
-
-
great pome thank you and good luck
-
Very powerful!! This was truly dark for sure. I liked how you portrayed the diffrent colors, each with a different emotion. Good luck in the contest!
-
-
Thanks my friend..!!
preets
-
-
ver creative alot of detail which gets me thinking, wow this is real good!!
-
-
Thanks!!
-
-
Damn this was really creativity and some great imagery too. I loved the colors things it made the poem great on so many levles. Thanks for entering my contest. Make sure you message me if you want your score, include the name of your poem. Thanks bye.
-
-
I would like my score!! Thanks...Bt by mistake i removed ma entry if u think its worth it lemme know..or else good luck judging mate!!
preets
-
-
I would feel vengence for being inslaved by his lord darkness, though I would not dare go up against him. Though by capturing the seven deadly sins you could please him more to heighten yourself in the hierarchy of evil... Interesting theory, wouldn't try it out myself though. Hate and sins, I love them. Though that sounds wrong, I mean in a metaphysical sense, though in my mind.
-
hmmm...well you had some interesting description going here... lots of emotion is captured within' this here poem. I do confess it was really really long and i didn't feel overwelmingly compelled to keep going after about midway through it, neverthe less I liked the talk of colors and things good luck in the contests you enter.
-deep one -
very good
thank you for entering this it is very dark and good,a great write,rather long but it was still a good read.good luck in the contest,very good work
-
-
Thanks a lot mum!! I love those cute contests u hold!! Have fun wid dem!!
preets
-
-
this is truly a wonderful poem. the idea of the changing to become the deadle sins is a good one.
keep writing and good luck -
-
Thanks!!
-
-
I love the imagery represented here... So beautifully morbid and true... I love the way you put the Seven Deadly Sins in and you put the colours they represent... Yes indeed the colours blending together make a dark murky colour and this shows the temperment of society. Oh we are definately going to hell alright... Ah well! Thanks for entering.
-
AWE-SOME
What amazing Cute-st ever slapshot babe... "Not too deadly according to you, but I think differently" I cant stop my laughter
and hey Miss "Perfect Curves" and why in this goddam world would you want to have strenght ENOUGH to Torture MEN
"there will be a new prophecy
which will be known to no one but me.
But now I wait..." haha another cute one
"as the yellow gown
of avarice open up a new door
and as the jingling ornaments
BEAUTIFY my outside appearance"
You're amazing-ly CUTE
How many GOWNS/ROBES do you have?
So they're like MAGICAL ones Btw its all good since you wrote this write in WINTERS
(How on this holy planet can you wear all that stuff at the same time, in SUMMERS.
)
"The hunger for the delicaicies,
without which mortals cannot live"
You're so ANOREXIC-aly CUTE (..as you have defeated your hunger)
"My anger is my power...I'm a sinner"
How original! So many times we're taught that Anger is our worst enemy but no, we never learn
And these colors don't unite to form color Black, may be WHITE (which is perfect unison of VIBGYOR )
I know, I know I'm 100% WEIRD but blame it on my mood right now or my insanity or whatever, its sounds like ahumor write mostly...I enjoyed it thoroughly.
The Lord Of Tragedy is enslaved, by you "Preets"
Well kudos to you for writing this fictious write, I think its metaphorically excellent.
Good Luck in the contest!
Mayank
-
-
LOL! Funny comment!!
I JUST LOVE U FOR THE COMMENT!!!
ITS SO FREAKING CUTEEE!!!
And this is a fiction right?? so i am totally allowed to mix colours and make them turn into black..and they are nt even the seven colours of the rainbow..now arrrrrrrrrreeeeeee they??
and just so that u wud know..i am nt affected by colours..i am the queen of magic!!
Anyways thanks for the commnt...it was so sweETTT!!!
U r the best after meee...
and My slave..long live the me...
preets
-
-
Freaky
Amazing and yet I have chills...I thought of demonic power while I was reading this which I have never put much thought into for various reasons but you have an original point of view and plus you made me cringe so I will applaud you now and see what else I have in the contest so good luck and great write...
KAY
-
Amazing!
Oh wow. This is a truly amazing poem. I really like it and enjoyed reading it. My favorite lines are:
"Under your influence
the Lord of the Sins
I have been chained doing your bid
without much of a word.
But now I have broken those chains
my body burns in hate or desire
I know not what
but the truth is they hurt my core."
Its really cool, and deep. Not to mention full of emotion. Keep it up, and good luck in my contest. Thanks for entering. -
-
Thanks a lot!!
-
-
a good poem though where you are using the ellipses - in the title and in other places in your poem, the right way is to use three dots to show a continuation of thought, in your title you use four, and i noticed a place in your poem where you use two. a pet peeve with me are those ellipses when i see them used incorrectly
My anger is my power..I am a sinner.
spill ink and twist me into the crazy shape of love...
-
Thank you first of all for taking the time to enter such an astounding piece. And second for falling the rules! I want to start out by saying that I love the colors changing, gives a lot of depth and then combining to make black. Beautiful image. I have to say that this by far one of the best visually stunning pieces I have read so far. The tone is fluid throughout and the writing is powerful.
Of course there are some minor things that could pack a punch, a few well placed commas for example. But over all I have to say that I am extremely impressed and will definitely be following your work from now on. Best wishes to you and Happy Holidays.
~Katrina
-
-
Thanks a lot...i am so glad u liked it! It was a little tough and took me some research ans stuff...thanks and i am glad u liked it! I will try to fix the puntuations as soon as i gt more time...
Good luck judging...
preets
-
-
Woooowwww..............
Wow preet..you have bin really busy with the seven sins...I loved it, you have wrote a marvelous poem and all these sins are just beautiful expressed by you..for you...I loved this part the most
Tonight my body screams
my soul howls in frustration
and my hearts agony and desire develops life
as it takes on the signs of the deadly sins.
Well I hope you will do well in this contest and hope you will win!!!!!
XXJeannette
ps an xtra applaud for you
-
-
oH GOsh...!!!
U r never gonna improve considering ur always wasting ur applauds..dont u have liek 5 per day only!!!
bt anyways thanks so much for them and the comment..love u
preets
-
-
This is quite a poetic undertaking, all those human death knells, that turn spirit to rotting flesh...and I feel your passion for self awareness festering in the battle...a good read this is and thank you for writing this...as the human condition is one of not so hidden weaknesses...and in the miror of passion this war goes on forever....
-
-
That was really sweet of u kaibab..ur comments are very helpful and i am glad u liked it!
Thanks a lot...
preets
-
-
BEAUTIFUL POEM!!!!!!!!!!!!
WOW !!!! Well this was a very intense write. I could feel the emotion you put in to writing it. The imagery was terrific. The pain and the will to survive is written so well. It draws the reader into your plight. This was a pleasure to read and this was an excellent poem. You take care, Sandy
-
-
thanks
i am so glad u njoied it! I feel privileged...it was a difficult poem to write! Thanks a lot...
preets
-
-
Wow what an amazing write you have penned here indeed!Released now all those seven deadly sins can have their time. A truly amazing write indeed.
Best to you in this contest my friend
Gaylene
-
-
Thanks so much gaylene for the sweet comment and the applauds..
preets
-
-
WOW
Merry meet,
Well, I'll give you credit, it is long. lol It is very intense with some great analogies and other poetic devices that my brain won't think of at the moment. My only suggestion is to change some of the puncuation, paragraphs and a couple of tense usages. Again, this is just my thoughts and you are in no way behold to follow anything I suggest.
On line 2, I would place a comma at the end of the line to seperate and create a bigger emotion in the next line.
line 3, have should be has and I think that enslaved is better than slaved.
or
you could make this two lines to create a bigger impact, i.e.
Tonight the world will sink
as soon as I have unleashed
the real me.
The me that has been enslaved by you.
I would place a paragraph between lines 5 and 6.
This give the reader a physical break, your going from one idea to the next progression of thought, of being. Similar to gesture or voice emphasis when speaking. If you read your poem outloud, you find those places that you pause at naturally. These are where your paragraph breaks should be. They help guide the reader and make reading a long poem such as this and this is definately worth the read.
When you describe the corallation between the color and the sin, they should be in seperate paragraphs.
In some of your lines I would place commas in to emphasis the content of the sentence. If you want I could go more in-depth, but I dont' want to sound as if I know all, because I really don't. I give what help I can.
This really is a superb peice and with just a little work, could really knock the socks of people.
Amythest
-
OK - that was a long one. I really liked the story line and the changling idea. I'm not sure what you were wanting as far as me reading it and responding. Um...the gowns and ornamentation and changing eye colors are original ideas. I would suggest you trim it down to it's most essential elements - make it a skeleton. For instance, taking the sixth stanza:
eyes transform, golden rods
as yellow as avarice's gown
a new door opens
ornaments jingle
beautifying appearance
providing warmth
given only to the queen of avarice
heart and soul jangles at the chains
I'm not sure if it retains what you intended though. YOu could even cut it more so that every two lines you have the change and keep only what's most essential to getting the theme across. I hope that helps. If not, hey, what can I say, I'm a sinner tooo.
-
-
Thanks a lot for reading!
And like u said that really seemed like a good idea...it makes it more precise of what i want to say!!! Thanks about that!
i usually dnt write these long...its a contest requirment..minimum 100 lines..that y i had to drag it a little
Thanks anyways
preets
-
-
Fantastic
WOW, WOW, WOW, WOW
This poem is terrific, jam packed with awesome imagery. I love your ending lines.
The Lord of Sins has enslaved me .
Now my body and soul is set free...
Brilliant work, a master piece
-
-
Thank you so much for the comment..i really appreciate it!
-
-
well done...
Preeti undoubtedly you area genius ...Here you took me to your fort and shown me the capital of yours which is miraculously amazing...At this age how you go so deep that too becoming an expert of the dark poetry? ..I am really impressed...I hope one day you will be a known poet of this world..Please keep writing...Take care and thank you so much for your kind invitation for allowing me to read your beautiful poetry...well done. -
You were right it was a bit long.... but it was worth it.
This piece is very emotionally inclined! and well written.....
Scarlet
-
-
Thanks scarlet
-
-
WOW!! If that doesn't impress them, NOTHING will!! What an incredible write. So visual and emotion filled. Your talent is awesome. You really went all out in this. Brilliant!!! Good luck in the contest.
Aunt Jeannie
-
-
thanks so much
it took me hell of a time to write this one out considering i write a poem very quick and i wasent really sure about it either! I am glad u liked it! Thanks so much for reading commenting and applauding!!Love ya loads dear aunt..
preets
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 53 of 53
