Was it disappointments heaped upon your plate
that became too much
for you to shoulder?
Had angry clouds obscured your sight,
stopped the beam
from finding you?
Did the tether stop you in your tracks,
when stumbling
through your midnight maze?
Did you think no one could ever know,
the splendor of this searing pain
imbued in anguished shadows?
And just before that final moment
when time did not exist
was there an echo in your soul?
Did you have a change of heart?
did you hesitate a bit too long?
I’m hoping that you fell
Copyright © Henri Ferguson 2003
Author notes
While living in Hong Kong, I witnessed an alarming high rate of suicide. So much so that the government instituted an aggressive intervention campaign. Mothers with children, stressed out workers, jilted lovers, even young teens despondent over the possibility they may have failed in school, leaping out tall buildings, or gassing themselves with charcoal stoves in closed rooms. These events had a surreal texture as I read about them in the paper. It all came crashing home when a man bailed out from 15 stories next door, and landed on a minivan. A sobering and heart piercing sight that was. Difficult to articulate the feelings, and the many soul searching thoughts that crowded my mind for days beyond.
I started this poem shortly after but have only recently reworked it to where I think it can be shared. Not sure it is really “finished” as a poem, however as a personal statement it mirrors my thoughts and reflections.
Written May 20th, 2003
In a list
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Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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This is a subject close to my own heart. I love my sister to suicide. The questions still remain as they do here in your own words. This is a heart touching write my friend.
Red -
Great
I love the way that you madw this poem all flow together so nicely.
I like the first three lines. Thats a great way to start out a poem. With a question.I hope to read more of your poems in the future.
~~%Lynette%~~
Edited on Jul 02, 1:28 p.m. because 'miss spelling'. -
Only a sensitive soul would feel another's pain and hurt so deeply, as it's obvious you do...and that sometimes is a heavy burden to bear. A very poignant write Henri!! I think we do need to take a good look at 'society' and realize that we're all only human and we shouldn't place such high expectations on others or ourselves...a very thought provoking write...enjoyed the comments you received on this as well...It does make one stop and think, as I'm sure a great many of us have felt low enough to consider such an option...it would just be nice if people could see that life doesn't have to be measured by what's happening at one particular moment in time, and the future can hold some promise.. thank you for sharing this marvelous piece, and your thoughts...it does get the reader thinking!!!
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...yes....
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There have been many times in my past that I hoped to die. I spent months after months in bed or lying in the floor. Hardly eating, hardly breathing. Surprised to find I was still alive when I woke...disappointed and yet relieved.
Now that I have my daughter I would never dare think of killing myself. And I have done a lot of thinking and when its bad -it could always be worse. Not really that much of a comforting thought but it helps me sometimes.
So I swallow my pain and look to find happiness in lifes simple pleasures. That is all I really can do.
And I'm glad I'm here.
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Angst... ~if the night doesn't want me, what shall i do?"`
Today the night is really black here... Maybe tomorrow the day will be blue...maybe...
Loved ur poem. It`s like sunbright in dark night...
hugs from brazil
*****Maria****
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And just before that final moment
when time did not exist
was there an echo in your soul?
Did you have a change of heart?
did you hesitate a bit too long?
I’m hoping that you fell
oh how these two stanzas spoke to me, I have felt that depth. wanted to be away from painful life and into a place where nothing a no-one can touch me, a place where I can simply cease to be, and I also understand the searing pain that caused to those who would call themselves my loved ones, the only insight I can offer is that in that suicidal mood there is no concept of others other than to be an instrument of hurt upon the self, the thought that our actions may impact upon others holds no sway with the one who deeply believes that their life is lived outside of society, who believes there is not a single soul to whom they matter, who would not be "better off" without them, such is the much misunderstood mind of the suicide, you have expressed so well the hoplessness of the survivor and the witness
as ever I applaud you
Victoria xxXxx
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touching
Very strong emotional piece. I think you really succeeded in
putting your feelings and thoughts about this sad topic into
words, which can be very hard.
I've wanted to kill myself several times, although now I know I
could never do such a thing, because it takes a lot of courage
or desperation to actually do it, which you don't realise until
you are about to commit the act itself. They say suicide is the
coward's way out, but in a way only the bravest of brave would
dare to plunge out into the unknown... Depending on how you
see it.
You used a very beautiful language that appealed to me. Honest,
touching and sad to read. Well done.
Jen
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I read this before, Ferg...but simply could not comment at that moment. It hit so close to home. What an emotional impact this carries. Witnessing this first hand...had to have inflicted a deep wound. Suicide is something I will never understand. I have had nights where I didn't care if there was a tomorrow...from the pain...but I never would have taken steps...I just coasted so to speak.
I could feel the effect this had on you. Do take care. Writing helped, I hope. Though witnessing such a thing...would inflict such trauma, time would become a healer.
Maddie -
Suicide is something so personal that all the people who see it feel like they fell with the person. my cousin just recently tried to kill herself, and when I foud out I felt like she had tried to kill me too. It's an awful thing, and I'm so sorry that you had to witness it-no one should.
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Resounding what a thought could speak out loud! A poem, indeed. You did a very good job with language that twists and brings the reader in. Language used STINGS the heart. Effective. Thank you for sharing. Sorry for the hurt. CookieZeal
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imbued in anguished shadows...anguish...pain...the inability to accept one's shadow...its depths...our faults and failures...we cannot separate the self from the environment...
from what I know those who have attempted to commit suicide or are planning to are the ones who will not talk about it...it is scary...
thanks, maria -
the weakness in people is amazing to me...
how something can be so rationalized
and how it has to have its effects on you..
do stay sane xoxox
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Fantastic write Henri...
Your poetry is so diverse...and always open to interpretation ( which makes it all the more interesting to the reader I feel )...
When I first read this I thought it sounded like the writer was anxious for someone to fall in love with him...eager to elicit some strong emotions in someone...an unrequited love almost...
But then read your comment.....
And the whole feel of the piece changed...
Some amazing lines in this...and loved these in particular :
" And just before that final moment
when time did not exist
was there an echo in your soul ? "....
Fantastic...wish I had written that !!! So much expression in this...beautiful words that create such a strong effective piece.
As for suicide...not sure I have ever sank so far down...always fought my way back ....but can totally relate to those who do feel this way at times...or who do contemplate ending it all as opposed to living in constant darkness...can't quite recall the saying , but something about ships are safe in harbour , but thats not what ships are for...think some get stuck there...unable to move forward to better things...
Ten out of ten Henri
~ sonia ~
Edited on May 21, 4:09 p.m. because ''. -
Very sad and critical situation when so many people feel that life is not worth living! I just learned yesterday that the suicide rate in the U.S. is up 40%! Your poem was poignant and sensitive. May God have mercy on tortured souls.
Maureen -
Henri,
ALL suicide comes from putting control outside yourself.
Society conditions us to believe that things can make us happy
(they do, but only temporarily, this is why they have to have
another new car ever year or so, the thrill is gone!!!)
We are nothing but adrenaline junkies with life's "excitement"
being the fix, but any happiness that comes from an outside
source is sure to vanish, just like a flower picked will wither
and die. People chase after the rainbow's END so much that don't
have time to enjoy the rainbow that is right there in front of
them. The rainbow is multicolored just as humanity is, yet
while the rainbow lives in harmony with each color enhancing
the other, we tend to magnify our differences. As long as
man looks out, instead of in, it is highly unlikely that any
of the violence, killing or suicide will stop. As long as others
think they are more important than anyone else and put themselves
before others, we will continue down the spiral to ruin. Our extinction IS coming, it's only a matter of when...
Maybe the problem with all medical professions is that if
they "cure" they don't make money, so rather than change
the core of the person to rid of condition, they only scoot
about the surface or apply drugs to treat the symptoms and
not get rid of the real problem itself...
They want you to think the is no magic quick cure, but I totally
disagree and believe there is. But it can never come with the
given practices that they use, so in that respect they are right.
Am I saying I know more than trained medical professions ?
Damn right I am...I have met lots of idiots who were educated
and had diplomas...
PS...thanks for your comment on authors page and read...
-Eddy- -
in my darkest moments, when taking my own life would have been by far the easiest, most expedient way of ending whatever troubles, depression, hopelessness i felt...i still found, then as now, too much to live for. i'm glad. there is much to be learned and much we do not understand at this level of being...until we open the eyes of our souls and begin to really see...
i understand the pain expressed here. it seems such a waste, such a mistake, to die over the fleeting problems that we face...such an apparently final act. i have to say, though, that i cannot presume the right to place a value judgment on the path another soul must walk...for i do not know what that soul's mission or vision is. we live in this world of time and of relativity...perhaps it is right for that person in terms of his or her experiences and truths.
having said that...i must also state that if faced with a suicidal person, i would and will do anything in my power to help that soul see that there is more here than any of us are capable of seeing...and that there are other ways to go. all a matter of perspective, and time. we cannot have the good without the bad, else how would we ever recognize either one?
i am sorry for the trauma you clearly must have experienced when this happened, and for the residual ache you still bear over it. it's a tough thing to live with, witnessing someone's departure from this plane, in such a drastic way.
blessings to you, Henri.
bonnie
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I remember you telling me about this when it happened. I hope that with piece, you have been able to purge some of those feelings that affected you greatly.
Strange that in today's society where individuality is paramount, we still tend to rate our self worth on the value systems of another.
Suicide has always been a hard concept for me to understand at a personal level. In the normal spectrum of life, I cannot think of one thing that would be so bad i would want to take my own life. A naive statement I am sure, but I am not as naive as it would appear. I've been at the top, but i've spent much more time on the bottom...some of which i've told you about, yet even faced with such, the thought of killing myself wasn't an option.
A very emotive piece, especially for so early in the morning.
namaste, Ferguson
T
xo
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Henri- From reading only the words of the poem, I could tell whatever you were writing about was very personal... having read your Author's Comments, I understand why... not sure how I would react to seeing someone end his/her life... you've done well in writing about the subject... I was hooked from the opening line.
Profoundly sad subject... excellent poem. Thank you - Helen -
Excellent work
Dearest Henri
I tried to enter your homepage to hear your music, but my connection is apparently too slow. Thank you for letting me hear your music through your words.
A sad song you've sung here, Poet. It inspired me to write a senryu, which I then changed to a tanka:
you left your sorrow
bruised skin, broken heart and bones
now your soul can't heal
would Love's Breeze gather you, Love?
or would you stay a lost leaf?
myra
Warmest Regards,
Myra
Edited on May 21 because ''.
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