Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

View from a goldfish bowl

 

behind the wheel
of a goldfish bowl
 
freeway, snot slick in the rain

observing all the
colorful creatures
swimming

on the other side of the transparency

Impassive I see
them kill, I see
them crash and bleed

safe behind empathy proof glass

Blank faces
starring back at me

mutual observers, symbiotic zoology

If I were to shatter
the transparency
I may know the joy
of feeling pain,

Only for a moment before the water ran out.

shriveling possibilities
puckering potential

unstirred by speculations, a random wondering

am I out, or in?
on I swim

Author notes

This is posted under another name in a closed contest that I didn't want to remove it from. Since this contest allows prewrites anyway, I have just renamed it.

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • Mairi bheag gold member
    July 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    PIXIE TAG

    {nodding} I can appreciate the isolation, the insensitivity. A very powerful and confident poem.


  • soulfultia gold member
    July 10, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This was full of imagery and felt almost abstract to me. Creative and unique in penning, it pulls the reader in and delivers a heck of a ride my pleasure to hop in the passenger seat ha! ~Tia


    • DK akaLunaticSerene gold member
      July 10, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks! a good observation, as this comments on the abstract nature with which we view real suffering, we have become so desensitized to true life stories through the constant bombardment of the dirty laundry, and human suffering, we don't feel it from behind the aquarium walls of our safety zones.
      .


  • paullallady silver member
    May 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    What a descriptive piece of writing. You have caught that feeling we have all had when driving in the rain. Though I had never thought of it in quite the way you described it, though your description is absolutely perfect.
    great job.


  • trista gold member
    March 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I loved the metaphor in this piece. I could simultaneously imagine both a goldfish bowl and a driver on the roads, the comparisons both being incredibly vivid. The lines:

    "If I were to shatter
    the transparency
    I may know the joy
    of feeling pain,

    Only for a moment before the water ran out."

    were especially wonderful. I'm not terribly comfortable with free verse yet, even though I've been trying my hand at more of it recently. I think I could learn a lot from writes such as this.

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


  • grannyeri gold member
    January 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    snot slick in the rain - great alliteration. Love this new animated authro page of yours - very creative. You have outdone yourself this time DK - amazing, just amazing.! Cute animated graphic here too - makes one think about what you ask in this poem.


  • JohnnyD gold member
    December 15, 2006

    Edit | Reply

    Anticipation?

    A very nice write but it reminds me of when I asked my Dad what the word "Anticipation' meant and he put two Goldfish in the vitamix and said; "Watch their expressions", it taught me a lot, But now, Anticipation has only to do with an Emerald eyed beauty...and no Vitamix for her, un-uhhhh, no way Jose! In fact I think she has already Vitamixed my heart on the puree setting????? God, I feel so 'mushy"

  • Rowan gold member
    December 15, 2006

    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    From the beginning..I was hooked, pardon the pun!
    This is such an excellent portrayal of being on the highway, how removed we are from each other, yet still
    connected.
    "If I were to shatter
    the transparency
    I may know the joy
    of feeling pain,"
    That stanza is so telling of the numbness we can feel, this is very good poetry. Loved it.


    • DK akaLunaticSerene gold member
      December 15, 2006
      Edit | Reply

      Thank you!

      So encouraging to hear this from you! I learned much on writing free verse from reading your work and following your process in contests. I finally came to a place recently, where I felt like it had "clicked in". So your comments are very gratifying!
      xxoo
      dk

1 - 9 of 9