I started out
happy as can be
But when you died
I wished it was me
When the car hit you
I heard a thud
When I looked back
All I saw was blood
Your shirt no longer white
But a bloody red
I pulled you from the street
Praying you weren’t dead
Tears falling from my eyes
Blood dripping off your shirt
Watching you die
Causes so much hurt
I wish you weren’t hurt
I wish there wasn’t pain
Of all the things that happen
What will I really gain?
Pain, misery
Hate and sorrow
Things that make me wish
That there is no tomorrow
When I watched you die
You took my life as well
Or at least it made me feel
As if I were in Hell
As I think of you gone
My wrists become red
Because when you died
I wished I was dead.
By: Kirsten Powers
Author notes
Option 3
- abuse victims and survivors and all ag group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Arbitrary by Memoirs of a Girl.
550 points, ended January 7, 2007, 13 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Let the best poet win! by Norman Crabtree.
675 points, ended January 23, 2007, 107 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options Contest. by Suicide King.
600 points, ended February 10, 2007, 45 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Emotions by tawk.
425 points, ended January 13, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - You're To Blame. by Dark Phoenix.
550 points, ended January 19, 2007, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Day Of A Teen by TommyTRASH.
450 points, ended January 30, 2007, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Put me in Your shoes. by Dark Edge.
455 points, ended February 2, 2007, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - dark, bloody, death ,suicide, ect. by torn-apart-angel.
300 points, ended February 12, 2007, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Darkness by smntha..
375 points, ended February 28, 2007, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give me your best ! by vasi.
700 points, ended March 10, 2007, 123 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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wow a depressing write. I thought maybe the rhyming might take away from the sadness and emotions that were being portrayed, but instead they enhanced them. a very sad beautifull piece of poetry.
All the best
~Hollow~ -
Strong write, very emotional.
Stay safe
~Amanda
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it is always hard to see death, especailly the death of someone you love and care about. It can feel like you are physically torn apart. However, I trained myself to not be as torn up by always reminding myself that there is no way to avoid death, that as soon as you are born you are guarenteed to die... but than again, that really is a grim way of looking at life... or death......
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Interesting piece to be certain, nice flow to it although slightly bumpy in a place or two, some spelling and grammar review pehaps as well. Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors. Hetohke'e
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I really like this poem, It definatly sounds like Hell in a Day! This poem was depressing. You did a fabulous job~
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Very powerful and emotional, well written and well flowed. Good write. Message me if you want your score, make sure to include the name of your poem. Thanks for entering.
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Amazing is the only thing I can think of to describe it. Beautiful voice and rhyme scheme and I loved your detail. I'm sorry about what happened to you and all that you've been through. Good luck!!!
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very good thank you for entering mi contest and good luck
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wow that was very beautiful somehow I could feel all the pain and it really touched my heart I could relate with the first stanza as well it's one of my favorite parts I love how you ended it as well great job 10/10
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wow yet another strong write here you are very good at conveying your feelings in your poetry which is excellent as i think it helps the healing writing it down loving your work adding you as favorite
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Beautiful
This is a beautiful dark poem, very sad and depressing, but really really beautiful. There's alot of emotion in this piece, its brilliant. Well done!
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This is an intense poem and I really enjoyed it. It was raw and so very real. Great job on the emotional content. The rythm was intense also, which I think accomanied the poem's content, very nicely.
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To me this si kind of simple, THe rhyme is short and to the point, but its not very descriptive, and not a wide use of vocabulary, It has a good flow though... Nice job, maybe look to expand your vocabulary, and maybe try to do something that doesnt rhyme... because , well this has nothing to do with you, but Im not to fond of rhyme. So keep up the good work, I like the tinges of darkness, youre hitting at. Not quite a dark poem, but getting there, If you ever need any advice on how to write dark poetry, do come talk to me, Im always here for one to talk to =]
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Oh yeah...line 27...it says "fill"
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Wow!
Wow...bloody fantastic. It rhymed so well and had such a deep meaning. Painful, yeah, but great. Keep on writing!
*snap*
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painful honest write. I found one spelling error but someone has already pointed that out to you so I won't. The flow was good the rhyme was good also.. You could slow down the beat by changing the layout of the words though personally it seems fine to me... mainly I think it gives of a frantic pained expression which in the event it decribes holds perfect to the words.
~Breathless
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Sad write...though I found the beat too upbeat for a poem of this content. Good poem though! I love the theme.
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So dark, sad, and full of terrible, heart-wrenching emotion. I am not a big fan of rhyme, but I appreciated the content of this poem. I have never lost someone in this way, and cannot imagine that, but I know the pain of losing someone you love desparately more than yourself. I hope for your sake and for my own that the saying 'time heals all wounds' is true. I don't know, but I hope it is.
In this line;
"Or at least it made me fill"
I think you meant 'feel' not 'fill', other than that, this is a good write.
Nice job,
-Shirley- -
Wow....
This is an amazing write...i love it...its so strong and powerful...urs amazing...the pain is pulled through every word...this is an amazing dramatic poem..i can see it all running through my mind...grea job!! i love the part:
Your shirt no longer white
But a bloody red
I pulled you from the street
Praying you weren’t dead
Tears falling from my eyes
Blood dripping off your shirt
Watching you die
Causes so much hurt
Great job....I'm amazed....
Mex
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Wow, that is a really strong poem. I loved it.
Great job!
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This is really sad. You've shown alot of love and regret in this write and the wish that pain could be erased and bestowed on you, if only it saved the others life. Good Luck
Shady Lane
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This poem, I find, is very interesting. At first, it seemed like you were almost forcing a rhyme, but as I read on I felt it fitted your flow perfectly. I've never quite seen a situation like this, where anybody could take such simplistic words and brief lines and turn them into a stunning, intense piece. That takes real talent, so bravo!
I'm hoping this wasn't based on true events, because I know and completely relate to the feeling of wanting to die over unexpected loss.
Thank you for entering! Much luck! -
Wow such a deep and dark poem. So full of emotions and pain. I hope that it was not based on fact. Excellent flow and rhyme. Good luck in the contest
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great
i like it. it is well writen and delivered yet alot of repition. saying the same thing alot. it was good but cut back on the repeating phrases or meanings -
thank you for entering my contest!
this is a really sad poem i felt every heartbeat of it. i hope you never had to go thru this. -
WOW
this is amazing. so sad. I can feel the emotion pouring from it. it's so incredibly sad, and I can feel what you're feeling. thanks for entering and good luck!
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