In my mind we were in the mountains
walking barefoot through the stream. Black boots
tied and hanging from our shoulders.
The air as cool as silk in shadows
and the silvered water shone.
We found a boulder; big as an elephant
kneeling, bending. A great grey bulk
carried there twenty thousand years ago,
and as we lay on our backs the boulder
became our pivot for the sky.
Now as I stand longing for that time
the sound of traffic drifts through the open window
afternoon rush hour still to come.
Belfast shimmers and the hills are blue
with distance. A shadow creeps
from the brick wall and a stray breeze, at times,
becomes gently pink with cherry blossom.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Nice tone.
My first impressions were of the quiet, caring tone of the piece, which suited both the subject and the images so well. This is a lovely, calming write; the similes are simple but very 'true' ('big as an elephant
kneeling, bending' - it really sums up what the boulder must have looked like) and the sentiments unashamedly personal. Nevertheless, I could put myself 'in your shoes' and relate to your situation.
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this is very beautiful my favorite lines
and as we lay on our backs the boulder
became out pivot for the sky -
You did a great job with this. It is beautiful, and deep. I really like it. Marvelous. It is very creative and classy, and very eloquent. You have a remarkable way with words. You created a beautiful image in my mind when I read this. The ending is very touching, and I really like it. Beautiful Job
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with distance. A shadow creeps
from the brick wall and a stray breeze, at times,
becomes gently pink with cherry blossom.
Hummm you made me to think about the depth and the beauty of this wonderful expression which is not only a piece to ponder but at the sme it is a reflection of the unsaid stories of the imaginations of the muse and this made is truly a worthy verse to relate with the mysteries of life..a great poem is here..
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Well versed
Extremely eloquent; i enjoyed a lot of the way you phrased things by playing words off of each other. But where oh where is the rest of the poem? It seems that you have a begining stanza followed by a quip of a clencher; but appear to be lacking the body or the final statement. If you could find a way to build upon it i feel that this poem would become something well worth oral recitation and hold an amazing entertainment value.
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Very beautiful write, indeed. Full of imagery and gorgeous wording.
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This is such a lovely poem that speaks so tenderly. YOu have written such a lovely story here that sounds so sweet. And the ending is wonderful.
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Very lovely written poem. Enjoyable to read and wonderful imagery. You have some great lines in this piece it really touched me. Great job and keep it up.
Loved it.
Never give up
Kate
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I remember the first time I was in Belfast and followed the A2 all th'way to Newry, looking at the hills and wanting to be in the waters. Nor'Ireland through a window is such a tragedy- ye have to go outside. Breathe the air. Feel the wind. Know the green earth. Thank you for this poem, it really brought me back to 'time when I was happy and full of life. The imagery was fantastic.... Cheers.
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Wow!
This is a very beautiful poem, and I really loved it.
A very enjoyable read!
--Leon -
Beautiful
WOW i really love this. It has a sense of that calmness and tranquility about it which you can only get from looking back on a perfect moment. The image of the elephant rock really captures the imagination and lends the poem a slight air of fantasy which adds to the feeling of being inside a memory or daydream. This soft floating feeling is captured within the last line. beautiful poem.
- Amy
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This is a enjoyable read!!!!!!!!1 You have painted a visual picture with your words, The word flow is good, but it may be my eyes I seemed to have read it more like a story (its 2am here)
Your title is ok, but I think it's also a very common...
thank you for sharing
well done
Tracey -
I've always wanted to write a poem about looking out of a window but I could never find the words or the scenery to talk about. I think this has captured peoples vision of City life and nature. it isn't a magical fairy tale it's real life. Well done.
I think maybe you could have finished first verse and the whole poem off with "Outside the window." just to top it off. But it's really great without it!
The title fits perfectly but it's not very (enticing)
Thankyou for the read though. Keep up the great work
Bettyboop
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Soooo Beautiful!
What a beautiful and amazing piece here...shows awesome poetic ability....so enjoyed the read....smiles, Terry -
You've used really beautiful imagery. Your images have served to bring my mind to the place you describe. I like how you from from a setting in nature to that of the city. The second line in your second stanza makes me really feel the change. I can almost imagine someone standing lost in memory and then coming back to the present through the sond of honking horns. Nice write.
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warming and touching
beautiful imagery, i really felt came from a very warming and indearing place of your heart. melted away all my winter blues at the end, from the realisation that spring is coming soon!!!!
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Lovely
I like the flow,the scene here,comparisons of the one scene with the other,,two very different scenes, the imagery...It has its' own beauty and rhythm.....a peace is in this poem...Very delightful..Through a Window..Good title ...looking out to the present scene, and yet looking back and reflecting on the other.Line1 "In my mind we were in the mountains" "A stray breeze,at times, becomes gentlyh pink with cherry blossom" lovely
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this is a good piece of poetry i find which you have written here with some style, it holds a nice gentle rhythm to the poem and the flow is very nice indeed. i thank you very much indeed for sharing your poetic talent. i enjoyed reading it. spill ink and twist me into the crazy shape of love...
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Well written, beautiful simile, wonderful contrast.
This poem invokes a feel of nostalgia that the sensitve heart truly knows.
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