Twas The Week Before Christmas by galfalfa at All poetry

Twas The Week Before Christmas

by galfalfa

'Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the store
goodwill was all trampled and left on the floor
The shoppers were shoving me down with a glare
in hopes of a bargain and the first to be there

The children were bratty and wanted their beds,
in need of a sugar plum upside of their heads
The whole bloody family surrounded the cart
a family reunion at the local Wal*Mart

When blocking the aisle they stood there to chatter,
I tried to be patient but had a full bladder.
The pressure was painful, the situation - dire
so I let out a yell and screamed, There's a fire!

A stampede ensued... with all in a fright

leakage occurred as I watched in delight

My idea successful, it wasnt in vain

alone in the store just me and my stain

Tis the week before Christmas and I've had my fill

the odd fellow man.... on the floor with goodwill

I was heard to exclaim on my way to the till

There was no real fire , it was only a drill

Author notes

A Walmart experience

Happy Holidaze

Comments

1 - 50 of 50

By me, right now

Adding your comment:
storiesuntold
July 9, 2008
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Oh what a story
Indeed its a real nerve jerker to enter those stores in the holiday season .
Ellis
December 20, 2007
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Sin-sasional
You are BAD
EternitysLastWish
May 3, 2007

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Nice one very funny as always, and flows like a river.
Keep up the good work!

J xx

ps: A zimmer frame is something elderly people hold onto when they're walking around to keep them upright.
EmeraldDreams
April 9, 2007

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Oh yes, this sums up the dreadful christmas shopping palava perfectly! I hate running round the shops, getting bashed by baby buggies and zimmer frames on the way! What a funny prank to pull.....might try it myself this year!
- galfalfa
  April 9, 2007
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  Baby buggies i know but not sure what a zimmer frame is
  
  Hey, thanks so much for checking this out and leaving your mark
  
  Loved it!
  
  galfalfa
Danny Beatty
February 1, 2007

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fire fire fire fire haalp everbody ruuuun
u made my day. this is so so funny. you are absolutely wonderful. 'oh, its not really a poisonous snake on yer back, dear, its just a ... well now, don't get up off my blanket you schmu....fine fellow, you.' oh i do like how you are. ,,,Danni 'oh, now, mum, dear, its ok. that's not a real wildpig snorting at yer tent, just grab a tissue an let poor old daddy blow his nose. ' ,,,galfafan
Jillybean128
January 23, 2007

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Too funny...
Read this piece in the "quiet computer lab" and busted into laughter out loud. Brought a smile to my face today. This piece is hilarious and I can relate. I work in retail and the holidays are hell
HarleyDavisChick06
January 14, 2007

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ha ha
That is great I love the flow, and how you wrote it so that even a person not there still could picture it... I really don't like the shopping at the holidays, people need to realize that if they shop year round then they will be less stressed, and no one would hate the holiday shopping. Really Liked this and Pictures are great too.
- galfalfa
  January 14, 2007
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  thanks for checking this out - i so appreciate your comment Glad you liked it!
  
  galfalfa
Sherry
January 11, 2007
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LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!! But you really didn't did you?This was funny it sure can be a mad house at Walmart around Christmas isn't that the truth. Hope santa brought you some new undies poor dear with the stain. Maybe your boyfriend will get you some thongs
Enjoyed sis, Me
individuality
January 3, 2007

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always keep a hot water bottle in your trousers, they are good for when you need a wee in walmart lol - hehehe another comment spill wee and twist me in aisles.
- galfalfa
  January 4, 2007
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  LOL Ian Your comments always crack me up!
  Hot water bottle in your trousers eh? Does it screw on at the end to avoid leakage? Must make for a really big bulge
  
  thanks for checking this out,
  
  galf
Deliverance
December 23, 2006

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Would you care for a candy? May I suggest a humbug? lol
Very funny, Easy to read and even easier to enjoy. As a professional you already know this, but I suppose sharing opinion is what this site is all about (Its taken me almost a year to work that one out). I offer you seasons greetings and wish you luck and love at this wonderful time of the year.
powerslave
December 19, 2006

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Pffft, you'd never find me shopping in Walmart. This is for many reasons, cheif amongst them being that we don't do that sort of thing here in Old Blighty. We have nice, upmarket shops such as Woolworths, Marks and Spencer and, if you're feeling particularly cheap, Harrods. Though Walmart do own ASDA, which is why I NEVER shop there. Never ever. Never ever ever.

Though I once worked in one when I was 16.

I did like your poem though. I found the whole queuing thing to be like a metaphor thing for life. You're always standing midway in a queue, wanting to get to the checkout but you cant because some tosser has forgotten their pin code or the like. So you swap lanes, and lo and behold you lose your arm in a combine harvester accident.

That's why I shop online. No fuss.

Well done young lady, we'll teach you the finer points of modern day prose yet
- galfalfa
  December 20, 2006
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  My teacher, my mentor, my #@%$!!
  Oh please do spare me some time to teach me the finer points of modern day prose. If i'm lucky maybe you'll even let me fill out an application to be on your favourite's list.
  You wait here, hold your breath and i'll be right back - i promise
  
  thanks for checking this out, appreciate it!
  
  galfalfa
majix
December 17, 2006

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Walmariffic
This seems like the perfect thing to do. Now if everyone at AP could just go to their local Wal friggin Mart and do this at exactly 12 noon on the 24th, think of how the world could change... who knows. We might like it in jail!
- galfalfa
  December 17, 2006
  
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  Walmariffic
  Well look who landed in here out of nowhere - sorry, i know you're a big Wal*Mart fan. Actually I'd forgotten that you worked there ...at the door, greeting customers with a jingle as they walk in.
  
  Welcome to our Walmart
  a store thats really neat
  Grab yourself a shopping cart
  our prices cant be beat
  We hike $$$ them $$$ up
  then roll them back
  I think this store's terrific!!!
  While waiting 3 friggin hours in one of our check out lines for a price check on an item you cant figure out why this stupid person would want in the first place and btw what kind of a shit for brains would grab something without a price tag..i wish i had a rock to throw at your head, you deserve to die
  You'll agree it's Walmariffic!!!
  
  Thank you for your comment and applause...appreciate you checking this out,
  
  galfalfa
rufina caraid
December 16, 2006
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leakage occurred
'leakage occurred' at the thought of this. this is a term used in my work (not on a personal level I might add) Loved the story here Gal,, it guess it was yell fire or ram the trolley into the backside of one of them. Loved it.
Vonnie
- galfalfa
  December 16, 2006
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  leakage occurred
  Oh no Vonnie , i would NEVER associate the term "leakage occurred" with you on a personal level..maybe squeakage but never leakage
  thanks for the comment and applause,
  
  galfalfa
HeliumJones
December 14, 2006

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Would that really work!? :-)
hahahah, fantastic job as always. You're very good at showing humor in your poems, and that's always enjoyable. This poem also kind of reminded me of how commerial christmas as gotten. It's not about giving gifts because you want to, it's about giving gifts because you have too. It's upsetting all in all. Wonderful Job, thanks for the giggle and deep thoughts.. hehe!
- galfalfa
  December 15, 2006
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  No, it probably wouldnt work but i have felt like setting myself on fire when stuck behind a family reunion around a shopping cart - from grandma to squawling baby and just when there's the tiniest of openings to squeeze by them ,they all shift to close it up.
  Makes me wonder , how it comes about - do they phone each other up and say ...hey lets all meet down at Wal*Mart and catch up.
  
  thanks for your comment and applause, appreciate you reading this,
  
  galfalfa
nobodys looking
December 14, 2006

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wow... definatly new and interesting. I like it, it's funny and made even funnier by the fact that it's based off the old story
- galfalfa
  December 15, 2006
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  thanks for the comment and applause - glad you liked it,
  
  galfalfa
faderman1959
December 14, 2006

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Flashbacks of taking my kids shopping when they were little! Ah the chaos! The only problem is that it happens all year round now! Great laugh gal!
- galfalfa
  December 14, 2006
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  LOL..its something to be avoided no matter what the season Loved your comment fader, thanks for checking this out and tell the freshly shaven Owen i said , hey.
  
  galfalfa
Yvette Champ
December 14, 2006

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Gal, first an apology, I clicked this earlier in the feature box,went to critique and the keyboard froze,had to re boot and only just got back here a few minutes ago.The first thing I did was send you the points for featuring that it seemed I had wasted by the shennagins with computer,hope you got them,with the new upgrade they may be still circling the system !
I found this piece deliciously giggle-icious,could just imagine being in the store and all the yule tide commotion as each child and parent had a different notion other than the need you expressed not to leave a stain, ooh it gave a different meaning to christmas may be a pain!
As ever, a delight to have your creativity and humour to share at ap,hope you are tickled pink as that moving jesus on the contest page by your christmas this year.
This post reminded of what I often express,to my kids to,that those things that are the best gifts cannot be brought or boxed,one time I was relating that to my son after he had presented me with a christmas wish list that I knew I could not fulfil,I tenderly told him a tale with a moral and concluded that " that is what is what we think we want is often what we don't need and vice versa, that everything we need cannot be boxed and gift wrapped to which he replied " you know you always say as long as we try our best it's good enough that we tried?" I replied " yes honey" well,he said, " just try your best to box and gift wrap what I know I want and you think you know I don't need" at first I was misty eyed and then realized he was more profound ( or perplexing!) than I was, ahhh bless him.
Thanks for the smiles and giggles,love and light,Yvette
- galfalfa
  December 14, 2006
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  LOL, i was about to im you asking why you sent me the points when your comment came through thank you
  You really didnt have to - frustrating when your computer freezes up like that....
  Hey speaking of giggle-icious - wasnt that your user name not too long ago ..i'm having trouble keeping track of you with all your name changes
  Adored your comment Yvette and thank you for the applause
  
  galfalfa
heartnsoul
December 14, 2006

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HYSTERICAL!
ROTFLMAO! I don't know what is worse, inside walmart or the parking lot. The sugar plum...yeah how many times would we like to do that one. I think I'll stick to shopping in my town.,.I can park where I want and the store people are REALLY happy to see you! have a great christmas!
~Michelle~
- galfalfa
  December 14, 2006
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  HYSTERICAL!
  I try to shop locally too - but it doesnt really bring in the customers when their prices are so flipping high - it seems like they're trying to get rich off of one item...and i'm not one of those who have more money then brains, Oh and not that you are I shop online mostly,
  
  Anyways noodles, thank you for the comment and applause - you have a grand Christmas too
  
  galfalfa
Poetdontknowit
December 14, 2006

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BRILLIANT
THIS IS FOR SURE A CLASSIC. COULDN'T HAVE DONE BETTER MYSELF. YOU ARE JUST A HOOT! YOU MUST STOP BY AND READ POETDONKNOWIT'S CHRISTMAS, IT'S ON THE ORDER OF YOURS. I AM STILL LMAO. SWEET
HOHOHO
POETDONTKNOWIT
- galfalfa
  December 14, 2006
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  Brilliant
  Glad you enjoyed and i will come and check out your Christmas poem - i appreciate your comment and applause, thank you
  
  galfalfa
Elrenia
December 14, 2006
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Wonderful, and just what I would expect from you. Lovely sentiments for the season. I share them, disgustedly. I do not like all the shopping and crap that goes with it. That is not to say I do not like shopping or giving gifts, I would just rather give homemade ones, but they are not appreciated any longer.

Thank you for sharing. I may take this one into work. It will help.

rous
- galfalfa
  December 14, 2006
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  Gee , you've been with me since i joined this site - didnt recognise the new name or least wise different name until you signed, rous. That means i havent been visiting you enough but i will, i promise.
  I love homemade gifts but dont dare try giving one to a kid nowadays - they'll throw it back in your face and cry for a playstation
  In my day, good grief i sound old - we were happy with a ball and stick Ok, so i never got a ball and stick but i know a few old timers who did get that and they were satisfied with it
  I better stop before i break out into, Those were the days my friend
  thank you for checking this - loved your comment,
  
  galf
- - Elrenia
    December 15, 2006
    
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    Yep, been here a while. After I got into a bit of a tiff with another member, I changed the name out of spite, to make a point. When I felt I had done so, I decided to try this name. I really have not decided whether or not to keep it, but it works for now.
    
    I guess I did not really appreciate the homemade gifts when I was a kid, but I do like the now. Still, not many adults do; I think it upsets them that someone has the time to invest in making a gift, when they do not. Makes sense to me, anyway.
    
    Catch you on the flipside.
    
    rous
NoWayJo
December 14, 2006

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Too cute, Gal! You see, aside from the shopping I just think the problem is you tried to squeeze too much into one-week before Christmas and you should've been more like me these 12 days until Christmas:

MY OWN 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS
Uneditted Version--(Which is to say I haven't spell-checked!)

The first day of Christmas
I threw out the spouse.
I meant what joy is Christmas
with a louse in the house?

The second day of Christmas
I let him back in
to pick up his clothes
and his fifty bottles of gin.

The third day of Christmas
I pushed him out the door.
He was naked and drunk,
but I couldn't take anymore.

The fourth day of Christmas
and the fifth, sixth and seventh
I spent in blissful quiet--
(What rhymes with seventh--labrynth???)

The eighth day of Christmas
a new man in my life
that by the tenth day of Christmas
was the same male-gender strife.

On the eleventh day of Christmas
my thoughts they were strumming
and I came up with an idea
of ten drummers a-drumming.

So on the twelfth day of Christmas
I found ten marching bands--TRUE!
Stole all their drummers
and 76 tromboners too!

Now Gal, I won't post this
as a new poem on AP...
But this is my own way of saying
Merry Christmas, you and ME!!!

Jo
- galfalfa
  December 14, 2006
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  You silly goose you
  LMAO.. gosh, i never expected a Christmas poem Loved it!
  
  hmmm what rhymes with seventh
  
  The fourth day of Christmas
  and the fifth, sixth and seventh
  passed out through nine and ten
  woke up with a guy named deventh
  
  Loved your comment Jo - thanks for the applause
  
  galfalfa
- - NoWayJo
    December 14, 2006
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    I was going to go the way of "heaventh," but I like Deventh much better!
    
    Jo
WelshDragon
December 14, 2006

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Excellent write Galf. Perfect flow and rhyme. Great rhythm all the way through. Super little 'funny'. Hope the floor-walker didn't step in your puddle.....
- galfalfa
  December 14, 2006
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  LOL, there was no puddle ...super absorbant flannel undies - its what all us Canadians girls wear in winter
  
  thanks for the comment and applause,
  
  galf
masterblaster
December 14, 2006

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Hi, you slaughtered me with this poem, I nealy feel off my seat, it is so funny and so true, great fun my friend you have my applause, hugs Di
- galfalfa
  December 14, 2006
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  Thanks Di
  Glad you liked it, appreciate you checking this out,
  
  galfalfa
SarahD
December 14, 2006

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hehehe Merry Christmas anyway hehehe
HAHAHAHAHA This was really amusing! I can totally relate to it from my days of working in a supermarket - not nice at Christmas, despite being trodden on and run over with trolleys, you still have to be nice, smile and remember - the customer is always right (yeah right)!
Really well described throughout and so easy to relate to! Nice rhymes too!Merry Christmas
Blissful Princess
- galfalfa
  December 14, 2006
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  hehehe Merry Christmas anyway hehehe
  thank you! It seems like they turn the heat up in those stores too - not unless its the body heat of billions of people
  
  loved your comment,
  
  galfalfa
leo2
December 14, 2006

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This is precisely why I don't do Christmas or Walmart. Thanks for the giggles with my coffee.

Sincerely,
Leo Long
- galfalfa
  December 14, 2006
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  Hiya Leo,
  
  Glad i could give you some morning giggles,
  
  thanks,
  
  galf
captain splat
December 14, 2006

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Good Idea..
I know the feeling well, too many shoppers and not enough space. I find eating beans before I go helps to ease the crowd away while I am looking at something.
- galfalfa
  December 14, 2006
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  Good idea
  Thanks for checking this out Splatty - your comment and applause is appreciated
  
  galfalfa
berekah
December 14, 2006

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I really like it. A humurous version the old poem we all know. I live in London, England and I know just how hectic it can be there just before christmas. But in some ways I think that is all part of the fun of christmas. Was a very good read. Thank you
- galfalfa
  December 14, 2006
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  In no way shape or form do i think its a part of the fun of Christmas Roasting chestnuts is fun, singing carols is fun,tobaganning is fun, but a crowded store to me isnt fun...
  Actually i've not been in Walmart yet this year - but i have horrid memories Walmart flashbacks, the shrink says they will go away in time...
  
  thanks for your comment,
  
  galfalfa