That apple-biting
type of coniving
Jezabel.
Cross yet
expressionless,
like-minded
determination
reminicing the
reminants
of
her former and
faithless
(Quickly developed
Lillith Complex)
Serpent Slithers
is the sinner,
the jade in
her eyes aligns
to a vertebrateless
spine.
LIES!
Yet she is alone,
and she is mine
and I will
love the dark
as my own
kind,
For sweeter than
sin is
the demon
I am in.
Comment please.
Comments
-
Hello.
This is interesting and strong. Maybe, strong in the way very short lines often seems strong, punchy, outspoken, with a high density of points of emphasis. Or so I speculate.
It doesn't quite have the same mystery as some of your other poems, though. What's missing is that queer super-narrowness of explanation, sort of intense brevity and limitedness, wrapped around a few images.
Perhaps this is because the core vehicle of Jebezel is too well-known. The first stanza didn't feel smooth. Perhaps "coniving" is spelled wrong - that would throw me off - or perhaps coniving, any spelling, needs to vanish. To me, that initial triune wants a collapse in meter, as:
That apple-biting type of
Jebezel.
Also, at the end of that stanza, I'm not sure whether "former and faithless" is a complete thought, with faithless being used as a noun or reffering to a deliberately absent noun, or whether the sentence continues on to the parentheses (thus the Lilith complex would be the former and faithless thing). Also,
I don't understand, in the second stanza, either "Serpent Slithers" "is the sinner". I would understand "as the sinner" or "to the sinner"
I like the third stanza and the mechanism there - especially the last half - that's the sort of very tight box I think of. Also, I think it's a very subtle comparison of comparable reasons and motivations in a very few words. Amazingly good, I mean.
That's all. Good to see your writing, regardless of the above.
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