Excuse me, sir,
Have you seen my soul?
It wandered off
Some time ago
To bring me those
Intangible treasures
It sometimes finds
As it wafts on chill night breezes
Weaving 'round the pinprick sparkles
That The Almighty One tossed
Like fiery confetti
Into the black velvet sky
When He decorated the heavens.
But it got lost
You see
As it sought its way back.
And now
Instead of soft gold nuggets
Diamonds clear and chill as ice
And glittering gem rainbows
It sends
Dark falls into long pits
And horror-movie deaths
Because of feet that won't run
And a scream that won't rise.
I miss my treasures, sir.
If by chance
Our souls should meet
As yours adventures the night
Could yours tell mine
That I need it
To come home
To me?
Author notes
Randomly came together during math class...
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I was a little disappointed that this seemed to lose its internal flow after the fourth line. I've had writes like that in the past however. You get inspired for one or two lines and then it never really comes together the same for the rest of the piece.
The real gem of this emotive stuggle can be found in lines 11 and 12, which contain a worthwhile and enjoyable image. That is weighed, however, against other less-than-suitable traits of the work, including the title (which is a bit on the nose, don't you think?).
I was interested in the way that I came away from this piece after the 3rd or 4th reading. I initally felt that it was rather vauge, but then realized that was more my fault than yours (I wasn't reading closely enough). The soul described is not lost in location, but rather in return - an interesting use of language - the idea that our receptors can kick back different images of the same experience, depending on our moods. I came to feel, after a while, that this is a piece on depression, although it never states as much in the text itself (for the better, perhaps).
Overall, there is too much digging involved here. Maybe not to find meaning so much as redemption. The journey must be worthwhile for those who read it. In this piece there are just too many words used to justify or explain an inequal sum.
Thank you for your entry.
~Das -
I really like this a lot. It was very deep and powerful. The best of luck to you in the contest.
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^_^
I like this alot. I've read some poems about losing your soul before, but this has to be the most original becuase of the perspective you put on it, mainly the soul is actually lost and youre trying to find it. fantastic write!
hugs,
Steph -
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ReallY??? I'm glad it's different... it bugs me when poems on a similar topic are all the same... I'm glad you think so! Thanks!!
birdy
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