Column: Ruminations

Well I'm sitting here in my psychology lecture on the last day of class contemplating what, if anything, I have learned.

Sure, I now know more about neurons and lobes of the brain and various theories of personality, but is it meaningful? I have gained only knowledge, not wisdom.

I am coming to realize that I have put a lot of effort in my life into gaining knowledge. I want to KNOW things. In fact, I have often felt a certain amount of disappointment at not knowing EVERYTHING! But where does this quest for knowledge take a person? Well, according to the Bible, "knowledge puffs up." So in the end, I guess I don't really want or need the knowledge.

Wisdom, on the other hand, is something worth achieving. Sometimes I long to be like Solomon and have this infinite wisdom. But then I realize that it isn't really the mere man Solomon that I want to be like. I want to be like Jesus.

Anyway, my ruminations, though inspired by my last day of psychology, seem to be extending much beyond that subject. So I'm going to give up on trying to hover around that topic and just ponder my life in general.

Lately I have been experiencing a wide range of rather interesting emotions. I guess it began when we spent a few weeks talking about depression in Psychology (hey, I'm back to psych again!). I expected to find our discussions about depression rather cliche, untrue, and almost amusing. I thought I might have a few memories but mostly just be pleased that I am well past that point in my life. Au contraire, I was rather dismayed to learn that I AGREE with almost everything we learned. And not only that, but it brought back some pretty intense memories and even seems to be affecting me for the worst.

This isn't to say that I am relapsing into depression and will become a suicidal cutter or anything, but I am struggling to avoid that feeling of exhausted and helpless melancholy. If I slip up and stop working to fight off this melancholy everything suddenly seems rather bleak. And I have this weariness that I just cannot shake.

However, to avoid giving myself or anyone reading this (if anyone is) the impression that I am depressed, I must acknowledge the joy that is still bubbling in my heart. I have this inexpressable peace from God that even I cannot understand. And He has been so clear in His will for my near future, so present in my decision making, that I have an enormous amount of fulfillment and satisfaction. As a poet, imagery helps me express myself, so let me try to create an image of how I feel. I picture my heart with this intense JOY right in the center. The joy is radiating out and nearly permeating the extent of my heart. However, there is also this dark depression beginning to seep in from the outside. So where the joy is failing to completely extend, the depression is given a place to grab hold. And the result is a sort of warfare to see which will be able to overcome the other. Can joy radiate a bit further and push out the depression? Or can the depression force its way in and steal my joy's spot in the center of my heart.

Even though I am posing these thoughts as questions, I am absolutely convinced that the joy of my Savior and Creator can "beat" the depression. I suppose a more appropriate question would be just how long and how far will this depression be able to persist? It's as if it's a shadow cast over my heart and I'm waiting to see how long it will take for the sun to come back out.

On the other hand, I cannot very well ruminate for this long about my life without commenting on how pleased I am with the direction God is taking me. I am still speechless over His revelation to me in determining what my next major step in life should be. I left for Bolivia as someone without much of a plan or purpose, and returned yearning to find that plan. And the timing could not have been more perfect as it was right before I needed to select a major for college. God came through in an extraordinary way (which I'm not going to describe right now) and pointed me towards a B.S. in Housing Studies. I am THRILLED to know that I will have a way to serve God in the future! At this point I don't have a clue whether I will reside in Minneapolis, another state, Bolivia, or some country I haven't even considered! - but I am exceedingly content despite that. I am excited to TRUST God and only take one step at a time. I know that when the time comes for my next step He will direct me.

Well, I suppose I have covered most of the major thoughts that have been wandering around in my mind. I love the clarity I get when I start putting those thoughts on paper and making some sense of them. When they're inside they seem to be random, unrelated, and not extremely certain. Once I write them down they're suddenly all interrelated and make so much sense. Praise the Lord for writing!

I guess the last thing that has been beginning to gnaw at me lately is the question of WHY I do the things I do, even though I don't want to. It's that cycle of sinning and confessing, sinning and confessing...
But the apostle Paul stated it so much better than I could: "For what I am doing, I do not understand. For what I will to do, that I do not practice; but what I hate, that I do." (Romans 7:15). [Side note: I cannot even explain how much I have come to absolutely love the book of Romans. I would give so much to sit down and have a long conversation with the apostle Paul.]

If I continue reading what Paul has to say I find the same peace and hope that he finds when he says: "Yet in all these things wer are more than conquerors through Him who loved us." (7:37). What a comfort that is! And then the real culmination comes in verses 38-39: "For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

NOTHING can separate me from Christ's love. That is all I need to know! That is the most important thing. So after all this contemplating and soul searching, I fall back on His love. May it radiate through me and encourage others to find the powerful peace and joy that only God can provide.

Praise the Lord!

I will conclude with one of the most brilliant statements of all time and a summary of the way I desire to live my life: "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you." (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)