Gingerbread runaways and hot wassail drunks
pay the candy-cane holder
to dance with his snowflakes
against the black sky.
Just feed them their chemicals.
They tear at my wrapping-paper skin,
searching with winter-warm eyes;
hoping for something prettier,
something better
on the inside.
Disoriented Santa already stole the gift.
Re-wrapped it as best I could,
but left an empty box--
Babe, I'm damaged goods.
The snowmen look down,
casting shadows
on the hollowed-out faces,
where a girl once stood.
Where a girl once fell.
Leaving these snow angels to melt
and become
just like everything else around them.
Dear Christmas, the love of your life
just hit a new low.
But hey, it's natural...
there was mistletoe.
&& the veins of the carols lick at my chapped lips,
causing me to shatter
into little mirroring pieces
of a bleached-thin,
broken ornament.
Author notes
I used the word bank C.
winter
veins
lips
shadow
chemicals
natural
disoriented
hope this isn't too cheesy-metaphorical...
In a list
A contest entry
- [i think i like you, but i think i like trouble too] by the chase.
600 points, ended December 26, 2006, 29 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark Winter by MyDecember.
375 points, ended December 21, 2006, 25 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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Have I told you you're amazing?
Tim Burton's not got anything on you.
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Excellent!
Not quite sure it lived up to the awesome title, but it was in the same vein I guess.
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haha, well thanks
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i actually loved this. i loved the metaphors and i loved reading it. this is a genuinely great poem, which i dont find often. i didnt have to find reasons to like it, i just loved the way its written. thank you for entering my contest. good luick in the finals!
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thanks so much!
have fun judging!! ♥
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This was freaking awesome. Thank you very much for entering.
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xox
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Thanks for entering
I think you have much potential as a writer. I feel as if you are right on the cusp of greatness. Let me just point out to you the couple of things that are holding you back.
You use a minimal style, and that is always good, but you rely too much on adjectives. An adjective’s job is to tell, but a poet’s job is to show, so adjectives should be used very sparingly, and when you do use them, make them count. For example, in this line:
against the black sky
I am sure that you can come up with a more interesting way to describe the sky than “black.”
In the stanza below, your adjectives are interesting, but you have five present participles (words that end with ING). Present participles are weak. The action verb is almost always better.
They tear at my wrapping-paper skin,
searching with winter-warm eyes;
hoping for something prettier,
something better
on the inside.
In this instance, the words wrapping and something may not be able to be changed, but when you changed the other present participles to action verbs, you get this:
They tear at my wrapping-paper skin,
searches with winter-warm eyes;
hopes for something prettier,
something better
on the inside.
In the line below, the adjective “disoriented” is one of the problems with using adjectives. You think you are being descriptive, but in this case, you’re not. Instead of telling me Santa is disoriented, show me.
Disoriented Santa already stole the gift.
Find an image that shows how disoriented he is, perhaps something like:
Santa staggers
With the rest of the poem, it is just the same sorts of things, present participles and adjectives are your weakness, but now that you know that, you can keep your eyes open for them.
This stanza works really well, even though it rhymes, because you wrote it as if you are addressing someone. Nice.
Dear Christmas, the love of your life
just hit a new low.
But hey, it's natural...
there was mistletoe. -
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thanks so much for this long comment! one of the main reasons why I entered your contest was to get some honest criticism. even though I'm not perfectly sure if I'll be able to keep it up [your suggestions] in the future... it's still nice to be shown these things.
the style of writing I used is pretty simple, I was trying to focus more on the symbolism, but I'm still a pretty young [not in age exclusively...] writer.
well, good luck with all the judging and commenting!
love,
crash
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U paint pretty pictures in that morbid sort of way.
I loved it. I always love them. Good Job Love.
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thanks loverface!
xox
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i love this. not just because i really dislike christmas, either. loved "carols lick at my chapped lips". was not too cheesy-metaphorical at all. really good job. <3shel.
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thanks so much shel!
xox
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I love this!
"Leaving these snow angels to melt
and become
just like everything else around them."
Amazing!! This actually fits right in with a different contest I managed to stumble upon:
http://allpoetry.com/contest/2334383
Just thought I'd let you know! :]
Good luck ♥ -
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well thanks for reading! and for letting me know
xox
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my darling Crash. you amazed me again.
Gingerbread runaways and hot wassail drunks
pay the candy-cane holder
to dance with his snowflakes
against the black sky.
Just feed them their chemicals.
I love the metaphores. they gave me awful.. and Awesome feeling all at the same time.
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aww thanks brandi!
xoxox ♥
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Just feed them their chemicals.
love that line..and theseeee
Disoriented Santa already stole the gift.
Re-wrapped it as best I could,
but left an empty box--
Babe, I'm damaged goods.
casting shadows
on the hollowed-out faces,
where a girl once stood.
Where a girl once fell.
Leaving these snow angels to melt
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thanks for reading this babe!
love you xxx
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dbfdzsfjdsf Sheet
Crah this is one of my favorite writes from you ina while.<3333amazing.Iloved everyloine.ps: my spacebar aintworking to well.lol -
i love this.
i love the fucked up christmas idea.
wonderful job.
good luck in the contest. -
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thanks hun!!
xox
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