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the Daze

I eyed you on the grand, wooden spiral staircase
My heart swelled up so gigantic,
Your haunting beauty gave me vertigo
Like the scene in the movie Titanic

My tuxedo legs, they turned to jiggly jello
I couldn't believe my own emerald eyes,
My mind started racing like an athlete
I thought for sure, I'd met my own demise

Your lavender gown, it flowed as the ebb of the sea
Red hair, cascading straight down your back,
Gloves, straight up to your silky elbows
My gosh, you would look good even in a sack

Okay, I gotta snap out of this daze
For you, that I choose as my mate,
There you come waltzing down the grand spiral stairs
Oh how I do believe in fate

Author notes

JUST SOMETHING I WHIPPED UP.
POETDONTKNOWIT
---------transatlanticism

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 23 of 23

  • Jade.Butterfly gold member
    April 23

    Edit | Reply
    wow you sure were in a daze there
    Sometimes its good to fantasize sometimes .
    This was a good piece and i enjoyed reading it.
    Good luck ,thanks for entering


  • Jonathan ROBIN
    July 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Aye Aye to Tie Eye to Eye Too




    P ortrayed upon the screen an avatar
    O f beauty stretched its wings beyond to see,
    E nchanting offered opportunity
    T o share as waves titanic swept hopes far.
    D ream theme to team, eyes gleaming on a par
    O pened vistas emerald spheres could be
    N ature's answer to eternity -
    T houghts teem, 'twould seem naught could joy bar.
    K armic call flowed over time as star
    N ew life imparted, doubled energy,
    O n tap, unwrapped in perpetuity
    W ith priceless present, chance choice left ajar.
    I must perhaps snap out of daze amaze
    T o phrase mate's date - heart homage ever pays ...


  • Trent plus pen
    June 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    not bad

    Overall the poem was pretty good.

    I am a fan of rhyme, but for it to work the words do not need to sound forced... and a few of the times it seemed like you were rhyming just for the sake of rhyming.

    Sometimes writing as you would speak can work, but in this poem I just don't get the feeling of it.
    I think if you revamped this poem and used a few different words it could really work!

    "Red hair, cascading straight down your back,
    Gloves, straight up to your silky elbows
    My gosh, you would look good even in a sack"

    This is a perfect example of forced rhyme...

    But it's getting there!

    Keep at it!
    Trent!


  • Charley-
    February 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hello and thanks for entering my contest i thought your piece was very Good i like the story you had there best of luck to you and thanks again.


  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    February 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A very sweet encounter. Great write, thank you for entering the contest, good luck.

    ♥
    whisper


  • One Angry Monkey
    February 6, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for the entry. the whole things quite cute, and well worth the read.


  • BrokenDawn
    January 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I liked this percinally i think its cute and it really did make think of titanic!Wonderful!
    Goodluck
    ~dawn♥


  • tinuelena
    September 6, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    There's a lot of potential, but it's ruined by the forced rhymes. Try letting your mind explore and if you don't have a perfect rhyme, don't use one

    Elizabeth


  • Riftkin gold member
    July 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wow this poem blew me away it was that good
    you have given me faith that there are still poets
    out there that love to write


  • Ale E
    July 28, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like this. It had a very nice flow and great imagery. Very nice piece.

    Always keep on writing.- Good luck in my contest.


  • Arkbear gold member
    July 18, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    Read the RULES!!!!!!!!!!

    RULES are made for a reason ~

     

    Bear ~


  • Star Shine
    May 7, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Lots of colors and images that I love, a nice descriptive piece, and fun. Thanks for entering.


  • -Ink Artist-
    April 4, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Such pretty imagery to this piece. It reads as if a nervous boy awaiting his lovely prom date. Wonderfully done! Thanks for your entry!

    ~Lori


  • wolfcub
    March 1, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Some good imagery and ovreall good flow.
    Thankyou for entering and good luck in my contest.
    Katie


  • sweethelper
    February 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    wonderful imagery !! i loved it for every reason possible !!

    Your lavender gown, it flowed as the ebb of the sea
    Red hair, cascading straight down your back,
    Gloves, straight up to your silky elbows
    My gosh, you would look good even in a sack

    i loved these lines best !!

    thank you so much for entering the contest and best wishes in the contest !!

    your well wisher ,
    -truthwriter

  • bethbooklover
    January 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I like the imagery in the beginning about the grand, wooden spiral staircase, and when you use the word vertigo, it make me think of the Hitchcock film Vertigo (very good movie), in which I believe there was a wooden spiral staircase. Anyway, emerald eyes, huh? Nice. Good job on having the title being brought out in the story! Good luck.


  • masterblaster gold member
    January 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Hi, for some reason I am getting all the comments on this poem,lol, love it, think you better let the office know, hugs Di


  • zochit2me gold member
    January 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "I couldn't believe own emerald eyes,"

    I think this is a good poem with flow however I did not get this line...is there a typo in it?...perhaps an explaination would clarify this for me. All in all not bad for a "whipped up" poem though.
    Becky


  • Auroras apple
    January 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I loved some of the imagery...ie: the wooden spiral staircase, your tuxedo legs and the lavender gown. Those were my favorites. Keep writing...-RMS

  • afireinthisheart
    January 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    beautifully written

    for something that was "whipped up" was one beautiful poem...for the approach to a spiral staircase...seeing such beauty waiting...not only would render me speechless, but will definately put me in a daze...that has happened to me, and it takes a lot for me to be in that state...awesome write...smile...hugs and love, David


  • Karen Layne
    January 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    The story is cute, a pretty little *gasp* type moment...I found the rhyming a tad awkward in places. All in all though...not bad at all.


  • Whoochi gold member
    January 25, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    delightful

    whimsical, delightful, romantic...consuming...can see the maiden in the lavendar gown and red hair coming down the stairs....good write....always enjoying your work!

1 - 23 of 23