I am the Yuletide censor,
I do my level best
To make each joy-dispenser
Devoid of any zest.
I slash with my blue pencil
At every festal folly,
My mistletoe's a stencil,
And plastic is my holly!
I purge each reference fleeting
To faith or creed or sect,
And make each card bear greeting
Politically correct!
I scrutinize each term on
The lips of priest or vicar,
Expunging from his sermon
Each supernatural flicker!
Your fir-tree and your manger
I'll change for statue huge
Of one to gloom no stranger
- Saint Ebenezer Scrooge!
I'll not have babes' pre-school plied
With sexist legend shocking -
But tell them "Parent Yuletide"
Puts presents in their stocking!
And if theatre's planning
An old-style pantomime -
You'll find me round there banning
Each doubtful joke and rhyme.
If broadcast station spill joy
And gladness like a lighthouse,
I'll activate my killjoy -
The ghost of Mrs Whitehouse!
And naught to make you perky
Shall foul your festive lunch -
Just soya-curd mock-turkey
And alcohol-free punch.
And so through all the holidays
I'll supervise your leisure,
Ensure they are not jolly days,
And circumscribe each pleasure...
For I'm the Yuletide censor,
And north, south, east or west,
I'll leave each joy-dispenser
Unutterably depressed!
So I wish you a sober Yuletide,
I wish you a sober Yuletide,
A dismal and sober Yuletide
- And a thoroughly miserable New Year.. Huh!
Author notes
This was written to be part of the "entertainment" at a Xmas party given by the journal "Index on Censorship" a few years ago.
Readers outside the UK may not be familiar with the late (and mostly unlamented) Mrs Mary Whitehouse, whose "Listeners' and Viewers' Council" ( popularly believed to consist of herself and a handful of cronies) managed to discover - and noisily protest against - what they considered sexual depravity in a huge range of radio and TV broadcasts, including on one occasion, a puppet programme aimed at children under five!
And - likewise for readers outside the UK - a "pantomime", in spite of its name, is NOT a dumb-show, it is a kind of play, staged ONLY in the Yuletide festive season, usually written partly or wholly in rhyming couplets, based loosely on a fairy-tale, but with specific traditional features, such as cross-dressing of certain characters (the hero - "Principal boy" is played by a woman, and there is always a comic older "woman" - the "Dame" played by a man - in Cinderella, the Ugly Sisters are BOTH played by men). The Fairy Queen and the Demon King intervene in the story from time to time to time on the sides of good and evil. Current popular songs are introduced and also acrobats, jugglers, or whatever the theatre can afford - and there is much audience participation... But an important feature of the traditional pantomime is that there should be jokes with an overt comic "innocent" meaning - and an underlying and equally comic "naughty" meaning which (at least officially) only the adults will understand!
The pantomime in this form evolved in the 19th century - but its roots are much older. Basically, it is a celebration of life in the darkest time of winter - and sexual innuendo is therefore as necessary to it as it is in the "Toast to the Bride and Groom" at a traditional wedding.
In a list
A contest entry
- Edna's Satirical And UnChristian Christmas Challenge by Edna Sweetlove.
425 points, ended December 9, 2006, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Joy to the world!!! 1,000 christmas poems wanted!!! by Elvenfairy.
3265 points, ended March 1, 2008, 139 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Calling All Christmas Posts by daviscth.
450 points, ended December 20, 2007, 57 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - X-Mas!!! by leslielovesthomas.
300 points, ended December 24, 2007, 23 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Merry Xmas! by xXmoon-litXeyesXx.
300 points, ended December 27, 2007, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhymers return - Round 1 Christmas by cricketjeff.
4000 points, ends December 11, 45 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
PLEASE do not feel obliged to comment - and if you DO comment, please note that it may be some time before I can acknowledge the fact.
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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I think this is my favorite *holiday* poem ever! It flows perfectly and tells such a tale of woe! I just loved it!
I hope all is well with you, Vera.
PEACE
Sheli
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I did enjoy this poem! Yes, I recall Mary Whitehouse, always in the news carrying on about something.
I'm sure last year I heard that Santa was banned from saying 'ho,ho,ho,' and had to say ha,ha,ha, instead, and one got the sack because he kept on ho,ho,ho-ing. I never did find out what was wrong with ho,ho,ho,, so if anyone knows could you please enlighten me?
Best of luck in the contest.
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Thanks so much for posting this great piece in my contest and all the best to you at judging. Merry Christmas, Cathy
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I hate when people try to make christmas politically correct, but your poem was very amusing. Thanks for entering my contest Scrooge!
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I enjoyed this. Very funny and well written.
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Hi Vera, this was a very amusing read, the world I am afraid is beyond redemtion, I enjoyed this a lot. Happy Christmas and a wonderful new year. hugs Di
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Please do not denigrate the moderators! One of them has modified the background of this poem for me - and I am MOST grateful.
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Original
Yes I remember Mary Whitehouse. I think she died and then got reincarnated as 20 writers here at AP. I hope you will correct the typo in line 11 as a purist such as yourself would not wish to get a blue pencil in your colon. -
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Unfortunately something went wrong with the background - it was so glaring that I could not read through for mistakes.
I have asked the moderators how to fix it, but their instructions simply do not work...
By the way, someone once telephoned Mary Whitehouse to tell her that the Richmond Ice Rink was planning to stage "Oh Calcutta" on ice. She spent most of the morning drafting a protest letter - and only when she came to type the final version did she remember the date... yes, you are right... it was April Fool's Day... -
Mary Shitehouse is alive and well...
and writing under the name... (insert moderator's name here) -
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No, I find most moderators here to be fine (slurp, slurp). Now, if we are talking poetryshared.com, now there's a fine kettle of hypocrisy. You should go there for some fun and frolics.
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