Two hearts beating faster
its so long since they have met;
details lived and re-lived
neither could forget.
Walking side by side
in a busy city street;
faces forward, bodies apart
they must try to be discreet.
Voices normal not whispered
as if friends and nothing more;
but inhibitions were soon to be thrust aside
as they calmly walk towards her front door.
In a list
Have you written any poetry about hidden love
Comments
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You've captured the subtlty of this hidden romance, Sylvie and I love it. I've been through this and beleive me I know exactly what this poem is saying...no need for more descriptive language. Jesusgun's critique is a very apt one. I tried his suggestion of removing line 12 and it works nicely, too
Love this one
love and
Dee
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a ditty, i thought, but then...
well, you've got a nice bd rhyme scheme that gallops in the first four lines, but that's ok because that introduces the idea of walking, and you pullaway at lines 7,8 at which point it is part of a normal, nervous walk cadence, i like that....there is a sense of building tension which is not sexual but very happy. i like the walk, the feelings growing, and then the front door, hers....there it stops. you've got the raw material for more happiness here: be a bit more subtle, the way that they are trying to be, for example at 8 no need to explain, line 7 has already done that; at line 11 use 'these', not as if...it get into their heads instead of being merely descriptive; take out line 12....try it, it won't hurt structure, you'll just be with an aa or bb ryhme scheme, perfectly acceptable, maybe more emphatic, there will be more subtely and it leaves a little bit of an edge in the air. my opion only.
this is a sweet, potentially edgy little poem which i like
i apologize for being a windbag, but there you have it
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