A rap on my window
Came suddenly,
Sharply.
My head flicked
To see who was there,
Found nothing.
Again the rap sounded,
But from a different
Window. I turned,
Bottle crashing
To the floor,
Towards the noise.
There I saw her,
Watching me though
Brown eyes, hair flecked
With snow. I arose
From my chair, doubt
Fell away.
Pulling the latch,
She stepped into my arms,
Her coat of winter
Left behind. The window
Fell, locking out
The old man.
We swing around,
Eyes never closing
For fear of loosing
A moment that can never
Come back. My hands tighten,
Grasping my promise.
Our lips meet, still spinning
Like wooden dolls
In little girls play sets.
I hold her close, every breath
She takes is my own,
We are one.
She falls to the bed,
I follow close behind.
Her smile lightens the room
As I move hair from her eye.
I stare at her beauty,
In awe of all that is before me.
Her eyes wander to the corner
Where lies a book,
Half open, half closed.
On the wall a picture
Hangs, a corner pointing
Down at the floor.
A sound from below
And we both jump.
Quickly I close
The door, hiding ourselves
Behind its hollow,
Wooden wall.
Footsteps sound on the floor
Below, closing in on the stairs.
A creek, then another,
It's coming up. Throw open the closet,
She steps inside,
I close it behind her.
Handle turns, the man steps through,
"Who's here?"
"No one."
The door slams and I breathe
Again. The closet opens
And she's in my arms.
Whispered love,
And a fear is all
We have, but we hunger
For more. We wish
To be alone, no fear
Of the faceless evil.
I look into her eyes
And forget about all my worries,
All my troubles. They slip
Into the life stream, flowing
Away, unwilling
To fight back.
I open the window,
Flurries enter
As we leave. Make our way
To her car, engine still warm.
Key turns, heat blasts
Us, a relief much appreciated.
She starts forward,
Snow crunching beneath blackness.
Slowly we pick up speed,
Leaving behind the white house
On the corner, leaving behind
Too many memories, not all enjoyable.
I look over too her,
One hand on the wheel,
One lying empty between us.
I grasp it, holding on for us.
Silently we know that this is the start
Of a new time for us both, a new life.
Turning forward I watch the road,
And whisper, "I love you."
Author notes
I pulled a lot of different inspirations from differnt people and different events together for this one, I think I put it together nicely.
A contest entry
- BIG POINTS 1st place 1000!!! Impress Me! 100 line minimum by tinydarkgoddess.
1400 points, ended December 18, 2006, 25 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Celebration Being A Gold Member by earthstar.
575 points, ended December 29, 2006, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Just give me your best poems by Through Your Iris.
525 points, ended February 20, 2007, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Emotional Poetry Give Me Your Best 2! by tawk.
525 points, ended March 1, 2007, 14 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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Wow,...
it's beautiful. i love the line "I hold her close, every breath she takes is my own, we are one."
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wow
this was incredible
you've written about a wish most of us have
and u put it together beautifully
i enjoyed it
especially the way you wrote
about her... it was incredible
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Very good observations indeed. Liked this immensely! Good write.
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wow this sounds like the love i would want to be in
nice decriptive words -
this held alot of emotions
it was good it had love and fear
within it
madea good story
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still my favorite of yours
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I disagree with the naysayers before me, this is not too long...it holds a story; and poetry, the best kind, is full and deep, not fast food fried and tasteless...(think Poe, or Robert Burns)You've written a chilly and breathless piece here...the cold of the winter is almost palpable and the heat of the kisses is a great opposing image. Then, the threat of being caught and the sense of real danger added tempo. Loved this myself...and only a couple little typos that don't make any bad impact on the flow...Brrrrilliant...and I like it when the guy gets the girl, or in this case, the girl gets the guy...hehehe...Regards, WAM
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Thanks so much for the comment! This poem is kinda old now for me, I think I may go back and look at it, mostly though to find these typos! I HATE when I do that!
I really appreciate your kind words, so thanks again!
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beautiful poem but by being so long it risks becoming boring to read, i enjoyed it, good luck
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Wow what an emotional ride. I so loved this and all the emotions running throughout. Good luck in my contest
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This was nice, but much too long
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Lovin it
Great write you have here. i love the whole story thing. i feel the torture of caged love in this poem. great job.
-AkaBaki -
powerful
I loved the imagery in this! I could really feel the wintery love here. I love the mysteriosity (word? lol) of this forbidden love and everything flowed pretty well right after another. Minor critique is there were one or two spelling errors, but no big deal, great poem, great job!
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this is really good. i like it a lot. i'll be commenting more later. i'm kind of in a hurry to get out the door for some reason. so i'll come back to this later. but many kudos!
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verry nice
i love the story line it seems so reall like its actouly happining as you type it verry nice
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AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
This was really really sweet!!! Definitely shows how much you like this girl and how far you're willing to go to be able to stay with her! Very very sweet!!!
Good luck!!! I love it!
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i loved the beginning and end, but it seems like you got off on a tangent in the middle, maybe if you explained more about the memories, that would explain the sounds? All in all, this was a beautiful write. I really liked the rhyme scheme, it was unforced and flowed like magic.
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yay!
oh man, oh man, oh man… all i can say is what the hell… “Away like a dead fish
In a river.” Love? what does love have to do with a dead fish? and this? “She takes is my own,/ We are one.” That, in my eyes is relatively cheesy. Okay, not relatively but really cheesy, my goodness. If you were looking for shock affect you surely got it.
aside from those! This was pretty awesome. I liked that you managed to keep a narrative tone throughout the whole thing. The only thing I would do if I were you would be reword a lot of the stuff to make it your own… oh, and for pete sake… no dead fish! ew! Very, very, nicely done as a whole and thank you for entering my contest. (:
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Wow... this is soooo sweet. It's so full of emotion and imagery. Exactly what I want. Thanks for sharing and good luck.
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HI I THOUGHT THIS WAS WELL WRITTEN AND VERY DIFFERENT TO MY USUAL READ BUT I ENJOYED IT THANK YOU FOR ENTERING MY CONTEST
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Fantastic darling!! This is edgy, filled with great descriptive language and very daring characters!! Great work!! Love Angel.
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oh my jesus..
this poem is freaking gorgeous.
I love it,
I love it,
I love it.
I just wanted to say it enough to make sure you understood.
WOW!
This is so good!
Its so beautiful;
i loved the whole thing.
Thanks you for entering my contest. -
Creative
Thanks for entering my contest this is very creative with a twist of drama to it and love. My last line I love you is my favorite line. A person can relate to the feelings of the work. You start cheering for the love to win. I like how you work the title into the write.
Nice ending -
I find here a riveting tale of love that hides from an evil. Best wishes here in this contest, in life and in poetry!
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WOW
The composure here was wonderful. I hung on every word. I commend you my fellow poet. Very nice job.....cativatingly beautiful!!!
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For some reason I was sitting the edge of my seat as I read this. Suspense. I liked it. At first, with the title, I was thinking something about a bird or an owl, but I was pleasantly surprised. Great love story. Thank you so much entering and taking the time to write 100+ lines. Best wishes!!
~Katrina
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Very interesting and enjoyed it totally. Well executed and vivid and and great structure. Thanks for sharing this poem with us. Melody
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Well done free verse. Interesting story, hope answered. Blessings. Debby
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Hard to choose a favorite line or two in this wonder...I think it must be, "Her eyes wander to the corner
Where lies a book,
Half open, half closed.
On the wall a picture
Hangs, a corner pointing
Down at the floor." That's really lovely. Beautiful poem. Beautiful. Beautiful -
great job
wow I realy really like this it's got good flow even though it doens't rhyme, but its still very good and its really intense lol I really really like it I'm sure you r a good boyfriend. :-)
~*ME*~ (good luck w. all your peotry)
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OK - at first I didn't know what was going on: was this a snowy version of The Raven? Then I realized it is quite a straight-forward piece of story-telling. It works - the tension building two or three times. Nice images: the snowy coat dropping off, the wooden door, the open book or the painting pointing towards the floor. Lines broken up nicely to create rhythm and emphasize certain words. Images are poetic enough to leave room for imagination. A bit unconvincing at the end: the holding hands and I love you; also the leaving everything behind thing - these are not as subtle as the rest of the imagery and storyline.
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Sorry. I did not hate this...
But this poem read like several plots of several different romance books. I'm sure one day I'll appreciate love poetry. -
VERY GOOD
A true exspress of love,and how it can over come most anything.I love your play one words.I found it to be a great read
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Wow, that was a really long poem and you managed to stay on topic really well. I find it very difficult to write long poems. Mine are short and to the point. I'd love to be able to carry on for that long. Well done. Neky x
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wow
this is impressive,I liked the idea and I think you should keep up the good work xxx well done xxx -
EXCELLENT
One of the things I love about free verse is nothing, literally nothing bounds your words. They can carry a meaning only you designed. This was a beautiful winter poem, though oddly I feel cold now. All and all, I loved it!
Katie
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{{You're right}}
This was put together nicely. I'm rather liking the form you used as well. The story was nice, a snow angel. However, I dont understand the part about the old man? Perhaps you refer to snow as the old man? I'm not quite sure.
Well done and good luck in the contest,
Jessica
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Good
You create suspense. One wonders if it is a dream you are having..It is like a dream..with the suspense of the other man coming to look for her.Line 40 stumps me with He at the end of the line and it is not clear what He is in that part of the next line? Your title is very good.The scene driving away with "I love you" sounds like there is a beginning of a relationship, and away from the danger....Good! -
WOW
This was great...I loved the flow,the rythm.The story took me in as I watched through the wrods as if watching a show.I really enjoyed this so much,And the sweetness of the write is so pure ..
Well Done Poet...God Bless
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Lovely
Your message comes out with great expression. Wonderful flow of words. It was long but I was really into it. Great poem....God Bless
HAPPYMOMMA
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Nice job. I really like it. took me awhile to read but I'm glad I did. Excellent job.
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awww this is beautiful. wow. very dramatic but full of love.
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