Your cold eyes stare blankly at me.
A derorrim║mirrored image of mine.
In my head, I am SCREAMING the answers.
Can you hear me?
…
Why can’t you hear me like you could before?
We never had to use comp.lete sentences; we already knew what each other meant.
Now we use whole paragraphs, but we still don’t understand each other.
Something has -severed- our telepathic tie,
I can no longer read what you have in mind.
And you were the only person to know what I was thinking & what I truly meant.
You could look
Me in the eye
After I said I was alright
And know that I was lying.
Now you are distant and we can’t even communicate on a ‘normal’ level.
I just can’t tell you what I used to.
And to top off this rainbow sundae,
You don’t even know…
I am completely, totally, and utterly alone. I am completely, totally, and utterly lost.
A contest entry
- Give me emotion by LaLaLie.
360 points, ended April 14, 2007, 116 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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This is crazy awesome, i wish i could write as well as you can... im looking forward to reading more from you!
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woot for emotion. i know this feeling well. for a while after i broke up with my first girlfriend i was just like 'now what?' 'who am i?' (thank god i got over that feeling)this was really powerful. nice job
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I'm pretty sure that you have wielded feelings and emotions inside your poem that a lot of people will be able to relate to... Very well done!
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for my purpose: 9.5
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OMG! This reminds me of something that happened between my friend and I. I love it. good luck and thanks for entering.
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OMG i think this maybe one of your best i love how you describe the broken bond between the two people
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thanks. i really like it too.
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The desperation within this is very easy to feel. Your use of punctuation to help make your point is very good, and the derorrim║mirrored image was simply brilliant. The "rainbow sundae" image also has a lot of potential. I think in the stanza starting "You could look..." putting commas at the end of each line is sort of distracting the flow. Good luck!
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Thank you for your insight, I agree with removing the commas. Any ideas on what to do to the rainbow sundae line?
Thanks again =]
~WU
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Well Depicted Despair
My Dear Poet..
This was well received.
"..We never had to use complete sentences; we already knew what each other meant.
Now we use whole paragraphs, but we still don’t understand each other.."
Well said.
This piece surely portrays the rawness of despair,
and for that, Dear Poet..I applaud you!
I'm quite impressed.
~Quiet Chaos
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Excellent
You know what this is a poem that could be linked to a lot of people who read it,l felt goose bumps on my skin as l felt like this with one person in my life and it hurt me so much to know it will never be there again,we understood each other and l though we was friends for life but now nothing not sure if l make any sense to you sorry if l don't but this poem made it all flood back at me fantastic,very deep
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Yes, I do actually understand you. That is why I wrote this- becuase I felt the same
Thank so much for your comment!!
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This was….amazing. I liked the way you laid out the words and even more so the content of the poem. Beautiful yet sad… Awesome. Keep writing
(Sorry this comment was so short, I gotta head off now though…
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I'm a little confused by the punctuation in the second line.
"We never had to use comp.lete sentences; we already knew what each other meant.
Now we use whole paragraphs, but we still don’t understand each other."
I think these lines are awesome, saying so much. Original way of putting it too. I'd take the period out of "complete" though. I understand it might be to add an effect, but it ends up taking more away than adding. I'd spell out "and" too.
"You could look,
Me in the eye,
After I said I was alright,
And knew that I was lying."
You have a little typo in the above. Because you say "could" in the first line, the "knew" in the last should actually be "know."
But this has so much potential. It's very different to me and I like that. It seems to have a lot of emotion in there and a complex story hidden behind it. Good one.
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Thanks
When I originally wrote this out, there were different colors- and "complete" was half black & half grey- so i put a period in it to try and show some of that- how it wasn't complete.
Also, the "&" is trying to show that I am a person, not some robot writing out- but thanks- if it seems out of place then I guess I shall take it out.
Thanks for pointing out that knew-know thing, I would have never found that on my own!
There is a story behind it- the poem is actually true. I know this person that I am really close too, and we used to know each other before we ever said a word. Well one day came when that no longer happened & we both mis-interpretted each other, which resulted in a big blowout. That is when I wrote this.. :}
Thanks again for the comment!
~WU
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Deep
I liked the free form, the emotion was bursting and I really want to cry right now. I can't believe you say MY poetry is emotional, when yours can make an apathetic bitter cunt cry. I'm really very impressed with your work, I feel bad for not reading it more.
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Aww wow this is an amazing poem..really does come across well. Nice job..
We never had to use comp.lete sentences; we already knew what each other meant.
Now we use whole paragraphs, but we still don’t understand each other.
Thats my favourite line.
x take care x
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