The sultry stars
They portray your fervor
As you lay in the patches of clover
Soft
You accumulate their comfort
Vivaciously
Suttle shades of sea-breeze, green
Swaying in the new moonlight
They outline your body
Surrounding you sublimely
Owning your form better than any
What precious, peculiarity this be
As you drift into yourself
Finding rainbows and riddles
And ridiculous wonders
Streams and rivers of thoughts
Leading you beside love
God speaks to you there
As you try not to quake
Your slumber becomes sacred
As a little light shines
Your thumbs pressed into leaves of threes and fours
While deep in your mind
The Angels ring sacrosanct, songs with slick, silver, pipes
Yes truely
There is a jubilee that has found you
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I love your style as well, thank for the wonderful comments! Youare truly a writer as well. i love your use of imagry here, it perfecty portrays the spiritual sense one feels while laying beneath the stars on a balmy summer eve. Truly very beautiful and RARE! There are very few actual writers in the world, and you are one of them! KUDOS and God bless to you also
~Laura -
As this poem may hang on a wall, you want to draw the viewer in- so I'd change the "you's" to "this", as "you" makes the viewer look back upon him/herself rather than escape into the poem... also the left-justification may not work inside of a frame...! Interesting concept... a framed poem...
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This is lvoely-
There are a few spelling mistakes which are holding you back.. so read through again. It would also be improved by not having every line capitalised- in the fomr you have chosen this doesn't really work..
Also the lack of punctuation makes it slightly confusing. I would at least use capitals at the beginning of a sentence only to shwo a new sentence..
thanks for entering
jess
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