I.
The yellow lines were all the same
in that familiar parking lot,
and my mind was somewhere else
before it found myself in that spot,
just then,
looking up in
that direction.
What I saw was nothing strange,
but I have never seen it since.
It could have been another day.
Maybe all moments are like that.
I guess the dash lights must have faded
to the sound of jingling keys,
which turned up later in my hand
after the engine had stopped running;
and when Scott Weiland briefly paused
in the middle of "Big Empty"
back in 1994,
that was the stereo turning off.
I have mumbled with passion,
felt that song's every timbre—
traced its features since high school,
but never really known the words.
The full weight of my jaw
broke loose and fell until it stopped.
Null repetition died in silence beneath.
All the world was novelty.
All perceptions were initial.
After real-time there was nothing.
(Subsequent irony is linguistic.)
Consumed until speechless, I stared into the sky,
and every dictionary burned.
Nothing remained strange.
The driver's door gaped ajar.
II.
What did I witness?
Nothing worthy of note:
unfathomable beauty
of the garden variety.
(Would you say you comprehend the lilies?)
I would share what I remember,
but I can only write in English.
Here are some words that feel right;
hope you feel good about them, too:
Smoke plumes fluttered high above.
Winsome wisps suffused the breeze—
torrents of tiny specks in chorus,
each one bewinged for lack of fire.
As past and future turned to nothing,
the wind and I exchanged no words,
for none could catch that breath,
which coalesced across the blue,
flocked tether-free of a priori
—nonsemantic, asyntactic—
unfettered by the importance
that hems in whole lives.
III.
Habits hurried past with purpose;
their people followed close in tow,
moved by the very syllables
that render awesome unremarkable.
What you've read is only yours.
What I can't describe is mine.
The words between apply to no one,
and convey precisely nothing.
I parked the car, looked up,
and saw a flock of birds.
Nothing real is made of language. Are you really where you are, or does your body just show up?
I arrived at the health club parking lot in my car, totally lost in the Stone Temple Pilots album "Purple," so that when I switched the car's engine off, I could still hear the lyrics repeating in my head. I opened the car door and was about to get out and go inside, when I noticed a magnificently huge, seemingly endless flock of black birds playfully processing across the sky from somewhere unseen behind the health club, which is in a tall building. It almost looked like they were coming out of the top of the building. The music in my head vanished in an instant, and I became thoughtlessly aware of my surroundings. All I could do was just stare in awe, as though I had never seen birds before. I watched the entire flock pass, and never made it into the health club.
While I was writing this (i.e. immediately afterward), I realized that it was utterly hopeless to try to really communicate what made the experience so transfixing. I can come up with metaphor or turn of phrase that I find compelling in its own right, which I (and only I) can use to recall how I felt as a witness. Maybe other people will be able to use those words to recall feelings they have had as they witnessed something else, but language is just fundamentally too crude an instrument to hold the kind of essential beauty that totally saturates the senses. So then beauty can never be shared, but only spoken of, and belongs to each of us alone, just for a moment. How much have I missed entirely over the years because I was not present in the moment?
People go to great lengths in search of happiness - spend much of their daily lives away from reality, dreaming up the ideas and plans that they think will guide them on the path to finding status, financial prosperity, success at work, material comfort, companionship, the admiration of those they respect. I do the same thing myself, obviously. When I am really honest about what I am actually striving for, though, it's not really the finding of whatever I'm after that motivates me; it's the feeling I have just afterward.
What strikes me - and I know this might sound starry-eyed and flaky to some - is that the happiest moments of my life have come when I was consciously connected to beauty in the moment. So where happiness is concerned, I think it's not where I am going that matters most, but where I am right now. For any one of us, isn't that all there really is anyway? We have the reality we witness, and all the rest - thoughts, memories, plans, favorite songs - is 100% virtual. So it's great to be able to think and plan and seek, but look here at what I found in a flock of birds. All I had to do was show up.