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Awe of Nothing

I. 


The yellow lines were all the same

in that familiar parking lot,
and my mind was somewhere else

before it found myself in

    that spot,

    just then, 

looking up in

    that direction. 

What I saw was nothing strange,

but I have never seen it since.

It could have been another day;

maybe all moments are like that.

 

I guess the dash lights must have faded

to the sound of jingling keys,
which turned up later in my hand
after the engine had stopped running;
and when Scott Weiland briefly paused
in the middle of "Big Empty"

back in 1994,

that was the stereo turning off.

I have mumbled with passion,
felt that song's every timbre—
traced its features since high school,
but never really known the words.
The full weight of my jaw
broke loose and fell until it stopped.

Null repetition died in silence beneath.

All the world was novelty.

All perceptions were initial.

After real-time there was nothing.

(Subsequent irony is linguistic.) 

Consumed until speechless,

I stared into the sky,

where every dictionary burned.

Nothing remained strange.

The driver's door gaped ajar. 

 

II.

 

What did I witness?
Nothing worthy of note:
   unfathomable beauty

   of the garden variety.

(Would you say you comprehend the lilies?)

I would share what I remember,

but I can only write in English.

Here are some words that feel right;

hope you feel good about them, too: 

 

    Smoke plumes fluttered high above.

    Winsome wisps suffused the breeze

    torrents of tiny specks in chorus,

    each one bewinged for lack of fire.

    As past and future turned to nothing,

    the wind and I exchanged no words,

    for none could catch that breath,

    which coalesced across the blue,

    flocked tether-free of a priori

    nonsemantic, asyntactic

    unfettered by the importance
    that hems in whole lives.

 

 

III.

 

Habits hurried past with purpose;

their people followed close in tow,
moved by the very syllables
that render awesome unremarkable.
What you've read is only yours.
What I can't describe is mine.

The words between apply to no one,

and convey precisely nothing.

 

    I parked the car, looked up,

    and saw a flock of birds.

  

Author notes

Nothing real is made of language.  Are you really where you are, or does your body just show up?  

 

"Events, actions arise, that must be sung, that will sing themselves."
--Ralph Waldo Emerson

 

 

 

 

Ruthlessly revised in mid-December 2007    

 

A contest entry

Honesty, please.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression? Line numbers
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?) (Line numbers)

Comments

1 - 73 of 73
  • ecrivain01 silver member
    May 10
    Edit | Reply

    Whoa ...

    this is a helluva write, and I see a lot of others thought so too, judging from the trophies.
  • I don't know why I kept feeling like you were writing from a state of having just been in a car accident and your mind was passing over the moment of returning to consciousness. Perhaps it was from the profound depth of your thoughts written in a surreal, seemingly out of body experience in a place were dimensions of the physical are so hard to find words for. It's like the emotions or true feelings of the heart are those unspoken because true feelings of the heart need not be said as there are no words for them or they just aren't necessary. Just a totally awesome write which really I don't need to say that as they aren't necessary or perhaps a weak effort to express the awe of which this write produces in my thoughts. Excellent piece of writing in my book of empty pages , left blank for the writer to pen.

  • You have an amazing eye for detail...I felt as if this was just an instant of time that you slowed down to full-stop as with a camera, and then erased the digital image when you couldn't remember why you'd taken the pic. The poetry is flawless to my untrained eye, and I am sure you know that, but I do love the questioning you have in the author's note...leaves the reader to ponder within their own mind, 'Have I had a moment like this?'...No ego?...HA!...and now I am to believe you're not a human man?...hmmm...lol. And looky at all the shiny trophies!....Peace, Rhonda


  • eataortic
    January 16

    Edit | Reply
    I really like the idea behind this, the way you took something so simple and made it much more of something through language. but then again, I doubt you need telling, those trophies speak for themselves!

  • left
    January 4

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    All achievements that we labeled magnificent, all thoughts that we thought were deep and the feelings that caused us to love obsessively the image of who we think we are, may be futile accidents in a plane where denseness applies to everything. Only the utterly ignorant dare believe in personal greatness, dare see significance in owning things of matter and minds they crave to control. No such thing in nothingness that is the core of this eloquent poetic pondering. I truly enjoyed being on this page to read and ponder. Thank you for creating and sharing. Take care,

    AD


    • JustBe gold member
      January 4
      Edit | Reply
      (:
      And thank you likewise. You are quite a thinker (also a feeler, which is harder). Guess that means I have to go read some of your stuff now.
      ~Morgan

  • Cat gold member
    December 30, 2007
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    wow.. a poem worthy of all the acclaim-

    congrats on the shiny..

    m


  • sleepingINblackRain
    December 23, 2007

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    This is beautiful, it seems to pull the air out of your lungs as you read each word. Until the very end you remember to catch your breath, you remember to keep living. Very captivating, thank you for entering.

  • SilverInk
    December 17, 2007

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    I don't know why, but this kind of reminded me of Toni Morrison's novel, Beloved. This is pretty good, I enjoyed it thoroughly and it was indeed thought-provoking. Good luck in the contest

  • Mezclita
    December 16, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "undefined by definition"? hmmm...

    I think either way is fine depending on how clear you want to make it!

    Personally, I like it as is because I usually prefer things simple as long as the message is conveyed... to me, undefined by definition is like pointing out that there's more to these lilies (flowers) that touches something inside us that you just can't explain! But, considering the content of the majority of the poem... it's probably better without. The simplicity of the lines before prepares the reader to better take in what's in the parenthesis ^^

    As for the title... lol... just noticed you finally removed "strange"... yes! seriously, much better... because for titles I really like short if it works and then let the poem speak for itself hmmm... but now I do also get your point with the part about "nothing is strange"... however, there's really only so much you can say in a limited amount of time (space) sometimes less is more!

    Kay, this time I'm off your page for real... lol

  • Mezclita
    December 16, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    Hey there, so guess what! It's the "very frank" me back again... and don't worry this time it's not out of commitment to my word, but rather out of will so, I read this again with greater focus and it turns out I won't use the word "interesting" to describe it anymore... coz that's how I get away with you're weird and I can't be bothered to understand you but, you seem to have something going... that maybe one day I'll get some more... lol (excuse the "weird" part, really we all are sometimes ^^ no?)

    Just wanted to say I like that you paint up the situation really well. Like a movie scene. Well earned trophies~ The structure used is quite effective towards creating the mood and your analysis of emotions. I beg to differ in the very end still though because I still don't agree with your attitude, or maybe I'm just scared to admit that what's "in between" your interpretation and mine is a land no two can really ever share~ I mean that kinda leaves everything floating around in "dead air" so to speak and if I decide to feel "in awe of nothing" as you so suggest... I might essentially loose all motive to live or create!

    So yeah, that's my take (honestly)

    Btw, did you intend to have the words "engine" and "the" switched around to indicate this character like being zoned out or something or was that a mistake? Either way,

    TC n maybe I'll ttyl~ Alex <3


    • JustBe gold member
      December 23, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      Nope, those words were definitely swapped on accident. I have really done some editing with this poem, and that oops escaped my notice. Thank you sincerely for pointing it out.

      From what you have written in your previous comments, I think it may be that we actually agree about this poem. The "nothing" N is in awe of is only nothing when he's living unconsciously, with the words of a 13-year-old song repeating in his head. It's nothing to anyone who is content to give everything (s)he sees all day a name ("just a bunch of birds"), and file another "nothing strange about that" experience away in his/her "no longer notice these things" archive. We all do it, because there are things that we have to get done in day-to-day life, and that means paring experience down to the "important" details. To take care of business, one must ignore something about the present to concentrate only on things that have already happened, or that have not happened yet. The sad thing is that I'll bet a lot of people live their entire lives that way. The nothing I'm talking about is the inexplicable (non-semantic), out-of-head, real stuff that actually is. It can't be communicated because none of us is god enough to reproduce - hell, fully experience - that real stuff. I believe it inspires all art.

      Thank you for thinking about what I wrote. Thinking is good. Not thinking is also good. Writing about not thinking was really, really hard.
      ~Morgan

  • shutter-bug
    December 13, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    i don't quite understand this, but i'm sure it was good. it was deep, which is awesome. still i didn't quite get it...but i think thats my fault. anyway, thank you for entering!!

    p.s. i'll try to come back later and re-read it. and i'll leave an intelligent comment...

  • creationsfromheart silver member
    December 5, 2007
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    just awsome

    you so deserve first and much more !!


  • creationsfromheart silver member
    December 5, 2007
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    very cool!

    I felt like I was there through your journey wonderful write!

  • jantastic gold member
    October 22, 2007
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    okay
    actually speechless...


  • Nam
    October 19, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    "after engine had stopped running;" - I felt perhaps the "the" should be between "after" and "engine", to read as:

    "after the engine had stopped running;".


    • JustBe gold member
      October 22, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks

      for catching my mistake! I'd just given this write a makeover, and there's no telling how long that line would have read all screwy like that.

  • more like war
    September 23, 2007
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    This was amazing. A transcendant journey and I absolutely loved it.

    "null repetition died in silence beneath it."

    "Habits hurried past with purpose;
    their people followed close in tow,"

    I had forgotten your poetry and I've just rediscovered it today. It's beautiful. I need to start coming on this website more often again.



  • Catressa gold member
    September 13, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I never get it when people worry over long writes.

    I think to myself what do they do when called upon to read a book? Put it down every page?
    Anyhow. (Sorry I tend to bounce from topic to topic)

    Habits hurried past with purpose. God what a punch. That is so true isn't it? Where are we going in such a hurry?
    Ants have a reason to be in a rush.

    I am however going to scurry off to your next write.


  • JustBe gold member
    June 27, 2007
    Edit | Reply

    <

    Wow, you are very frank and forward.

    Firstly, glad you liked the poem, thanks for taking the time to read it and say so, and I appreciate your compliment about my writing ability.... Also the clappies.

    I've been told before that I come across as condescending and arrogant, so perhaps I should think about that. I'm not sure, though, why you would expect me to brand you with "average," or to discount what you've learned from your experience. I'm probably as guilty as the next of labeling others, but perhaps you can at least see consciousness of that fact in the poem, whose message is that absolute faith in abstraction (labels and their significance) is a dead-end street. Further, I'll take all the advice I can get.

    A few things:
    1. Beyond the fact that removing "strange" from the title felt wrong, I left it there because the dual meaning of "nothing is strange" is the central irony of the poem. It seems to me that if I were to stop with "nothing," then I would, in effect, deny the very existence of what I'm trying to call inexplicably beautiful. It IS something ... something undefinable. There used to be a line before "(Would you say you comprehend the lilies?)" and after "of the garden variety": "undefined by definition." Perhaps I should not have removed it. If you think so, could you please explain why? I love it when people help me make my poems better. So much the better if you can throw in your $.02, too.

    2. "JustBe" is a shortened version of my original handle, which was never intended as a statement of achievement. "LearningToJustBe" was too long and ungainly, so I pared it down to the important part.

    3. Yes, I have been sad. Yes, I still am. Yes, I write about it. Life has become a happier, healthier experience since I started doing that, and I'm also no longer a militant atheist.

    4. Thank you for your empathy.

    ~Morgan

    • Mezclita
      June 28, 2007
      Edit | Reply
      And thank you for understanding my point... yeah sure you have your reasons... btw, didn't mean to erase my previous message had i realized you already responded. But I only noticed that later... yeah, well I'm just like that! You do have really interesting pieces & I'll surely be back to see and try to understand more ^^ later~

  • Sanguine Silence
    May 29, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    Slightly long for my short attention span, but a beautiful, wonderfully crafted poem. Very poetic and thought-provoking at the same time.
    Thank you for entering!


  • bananasfoster42
    April 11, 2007
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    wow, this is really an amazing poem. thanks for your entry!

  • Friday gold member
    March 5, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    This piece completely blew me away. To be honest when I glanced at it I was worried I would become bored out of my mind because of the length, but turns out I was completely wrong. Your use of language, more than anything else, kept me enraptured. I have seen language abused for the sake of sounding (and not achieveing mind you) smart. But here you use no more words than you know the feel of. I do not have anything critical to say about this piece, you have followed my rules "to a T".
    And put me in a thinking mood to boot.
    Best of luck and thanks for entering
  • Word poet
    March 1, 2007

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    I can Imagine this poems tell it tells a woman in a parking lot her eyes are closed and she recalls a time back to her high school days when everything seamed so care free and layed back. There's no trouble what so ever when your at that age. Also it shows a woman who enjoys the out doors. Beautiful words flow wonderfully.


  • KaseyL
    February 22, 2007

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    This is wonderful writing. I feel it should be published, really...it reminds me of a famous poet. Millay, Emerson ...I'm not comparing you to them because you are your own individual...but it makes me feel as if I'm reading a poem by a legend.

    Wonderful writing. I didn't see how it completely answered my question..but beautiful writing. Our experiences are ours alone.

    • JustBe gold member
      February 23, 2007
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      Our experiences are ours alone, and the reason for that is that language cannot convey experience--only abstraction. Why is it about all of us? Because that's all "it" is. Epistemology is a much less stimulating topic when it is being discussed among, say, separate lumps of granite. Without us to attach perspective (thence causality, etc.) to the comings and goings of stuff, stuff would simply come and go--in a very nihilistic sense--and there would be no "about." Things would happen, but there would be no meaning to it without abstraction. Things would be that way in spite of us, for that matter, except that we ourselves are stuff, and--the fact that all things abstract mean zero outside human skulls notwithstanding--those we call "truth" cause us to do things like create thermonuclear warheads. Thermonuclear warheads are most definitely about us ... well, presumably, anyway.

      We behold nature's beauty, and we attempt to own it by boiling it down in our own simple terms--by ascribing order to the inexplicable. We see order in it, categorize it, draw conclusions about it. Nevertheless, it is all supposition, because the central axiom of epistemological thought is that we actually can know things. Try though we might, though, no matter how "meaningful" our ordered ideas are made out to be, there is no possible way for us to justify the idea that any aspect of human experience truly survives the violence imposed upon it by the crude act of language (else we would all agree on everything, and always understand each other).

      What you read is only yours.
      What I can't describe is mine.
      The words between apply to no one,
      and convey precisely nothing.


      Despite this, we discuss what "it" is "all about." The answer is nothing, unless we're around to say otherwise. I say rejoice in, and accept the lack, for that is the source of awe and wonder. Those are all about us, too, but they make no assumptions, and do not require language.

      Hope that answers your question.
      ~Morgan
  • -df-
    February 7, 2007

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    < Fiddley Bits

    Well, JB, if it comes down to decisions about inclusion or order and nothing is speaking to you try the deserted island method of editing.

    Read the piece and decide on the top 4 stanzas you must live with all alone on a deserted island.Forever.
    This alway kick-starts the editing for me.

  • -df-
    February 7, 2007
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    Twice Blessed

    JB, I think the split happens at I have mumbled with passion. The preceeding 2 stanzas read unconnected in topic and style to the rest which is ok because you did a beauty job with it in the sixth stanza but no indicators of a shift are given to grip on so early in the poem.

    From the third stanza on it reads as if you are coming into stride. Everything blooms poetic and I hear you. The loose, story telling of the first 2 stanzas don't sound like you.

    I think the first two stanzas unnessesary if there is no return to it's message. "I have mumbled (it) with passion" is an excellent opener and remains the lead thoughout.

    So...in the end you have two poems. Not bad.

    df


  • Temprance
    January 23, 2007

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    interesting

    to be honest i find the work to be confusing, i do enjoy the message though. in short i like the poem but i dont like how its writen...if that makes any sense?

    • JustBe gold member
      January 23, 2007
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      Certainly

      To quote the last commenter, it does get "abstruse" around the waist-line, perhaps ... or do you mean the beginning and end of the piece, too?
  • Eusebius
    January 12, 2007
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    hmmm...arcane, abstruse, esoteric and mysterious in the extreme...some very good cadance here however, and that could be easily improved by evening the syllable count in each line, which are very close to being even anyway...bravo!


  • Cannonsfire silver member
    January 12, 2007
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    An explanation of surreal yet the mundane, a moment of nothing that becomes something when you write it down. That's how I saw it, the pice just flows, almost of a moment in time standing still, unmoved yet moved by infinite soul to use the view to inspire.

  • Romantic Robotix
    January 12, 2007
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    Egos are for goats.
    I'm not going to give a "your welcome" requesting speech.
    Thanks for the awesome poem, I'm absolute crap at giving constructive criticism, but I can say that everything about this piece was original and I wish I had the brainpower to write this stuff.

  • Stormraven
    January 12, 2007

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    I loved these last few lines ......
    What you've read is only yours.
    What I can't describe is mine.

    The words between apply to no one,

    and convey precisely nothing.

    Storm

  • ecrivain01 silver member
    January 7, 2007

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    Oops

    Oops. I screwed up on the applauses. I am still not used to the new layout.

  • ecrivain01 silver member
    January 7, 2007
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    C'est bon.

    Very nice. I do doubt the importance of the last two lines, and I think the poem ends well without them. I think I agree that you could profitably dispense with them. All in all, good job.

  • Macey Muse
    January 6, 2007

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    I'm not sure - I see why you wrote the last lines. They jolt you (me, at least) out of the poem completely - whether you want that is entirely your call. Reading it through the first time, I didn't pick up the event before it was stated - but then, it was a quick read. They're a recapitulation. Maybe I'd cut the 'big' but leave the lines? That'd keep it matter-of-fact, whereas the adjective 'big' makes it seem like a juvenile attempt at describing that which your italicized verse has already done beautifully.

    (I'm sure you called this to my attention before - I'm very bad about glancing away from things and forgetting to glance back, for which I apologise)

    I enjoyed the little verse, particularly;
    'Unfathomable beauty
    of the garden variety.'
    Your phrasing is complex for the simple ideas, yet simpler for the complex ideas.

    If anything, (and because it's a pet peeve of mine) all I'd do would be remove a few unecessary (in my opinion) commas - after 'in my hand' and 'high school' for example. But. It's a personal quibble, nothing big.

    All in all? I have to agree with you - this is one of your best. And now I shall spring points to applaud because don't you just hate stingy people who say 'i would aplaud, but ive run out of free aplaudds for toady' ?


    • JustBe gold member
      January 6, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks for the help

      In honesty, I'm far more thankful for the review than for the applauds. Thanks for the heads-up about the commas. The first, I agree, is unnecessary. Commas (pauses in general, really) are one part of grammar that I always have to really think about. I think a comma is always required in a statement like, "[subject, predicate], but [predicate]." Right? Thank goodness there the Internet never forgets that sort of thing.
      Much thanks for your time spent.

  • NoIQ gold member
    December 22, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    Between the deserving gold trophy, and the remarkable and detailed critiques you already received, I doubt that there is much I could add to explain why this piece is so well crafted. You begin with a mundane scene of forgetten memory, and then transfer the reader across a maze of what resembles stream-of-conscience images directed as much to self-evaluation as to artistic purpose, and then explain concretely precisely what "mundane image" constitutes the catalyst for the whole piece.

    My singular criticism would be that I don't think you need to end with the "answer" to the riddle. In point of fact, you already answered it in poetic context when you set out the italicized and metaphorical stanza about the flock of birds. I think it might be effective to take the last two lines and somehow transform them into the title instead. The more profound import of the poem is set out in the penultimate stanza anyway. However, that is just my thoughts. Hell, after all, you DID win the gold and receive the accolades the way it is written. LOL

    In fact, I fully appreciate why so many others praised the work, and further lent their insight as to its impact and structure. I think of all the images incorporated into the piece, the first stanza still was the one I most enjoyed personally. I recognize the scene as if from my own life - possibly because I too am a fan of the Stone Temple Pilots - but obviously more than that. However, the work as a whole is a triumph. Beautifully rendered.


    • JustBe gold member
      January 6, 2007
      Edit | Reply

      What an excellent review.

      Wow, Monte, that was thorough, and you raised a question that I've been mulling over for more than two weeks now. Just wanted to let you know that all the time you spent on my poem has not gone unappreciated. May I be struck dead if I do not return the favor.

      A request: In the event that I suffer a bout of reprehensible greed, and decide that I want to enter this poem as a pre-write somewhere, I don't want the judge to know who wrote it. Would you be willing to edit my name out of your comment? I'd be pleased as punch.
      Thanks huge

  • trinity wolf
    December 18, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Heh, fantastic write. I liked this alot, I have alot to say about it too. But I don't wanna bore you with all my details. But still wonderful write, It was creative & it flowed wonderfully. I enjoyed reading it sooo much! Great job! I hope to read more of your work very soon.

  • MayDecemberSun
    December 14, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    the lilies

    "(Would you say youcomprehend the lilies?)"

    I the lilt and curve of this.

  • Thedragonisgone
    December 13, 2006
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    That's wonderful!

    Congratulations on winning first. This was just lovely - felt like a monologue or something. The title drew me in and the piece held my attention start to finish and yes, I did like the words...yes, I liked the words alot...+


  • Hulali
    December 11, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    All moments are like that. Or at least they can be, if you're looking for them to be so. Ah, but that is the question, no? How do we stay in that place where all things are equally important. We (as a culture) focus too much on the extremes. If we could stay somewhere in the middle, be a little more like buddha, or Krishnamurti.

    I love they way you set the scene clearly and vividly without simply stating what happened. Such a simple thing, yet so difficult to master. The first stanza and the second to last stanza are superb. I also thought it was effective to use formal dreamy language and italics to show the moment's thoughts. To me, the explanation following is just windy and unnecessary.

    This line is kind of neat, but do you really need it? "undefined by definition." The two lines preceeding are a much better note to end that thought with, I think.

    • JustBe gold member
      December 11, 2006
      Edit | Reply

      Kudos

      You know, it's funny.... I agree with literally everything you just said about something I wrote. Congratulations: Depending upon where I choose to start counting the next time I think on that topic, you will now inhabit one of my fingers or toes.
      What an insightful critique. Thank you.

  • Zayra Yves gold member
    December 5, 2006

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    Intrigue is an Emotion

    This here is the thesis of this poem...if you ask me and I love it:

    "but I chose that spot, just then,
    in time to look in that direction--
    to be transfixed by the mundane.
    What if all moments are like that?"

    There is great movement and positioning of a large question(s) and leaving it/them open to be answered by the reader for themselves, as much as the author answers it through reflection in this work.

    This poem has more emotional movement to it than first appears on the surface. I respect that too, since essentially the emotional states it draws out are emotions like curiosity, intrigue, fascination, contemplation and a little bit of the philosophically absorbed (which is not necessarily negative btw).

    Often poets look for the emotions with the strongest pull: love, happiness, elation, depression, arousal and disenchantment. All of which have their place naturally and quickly but so do the cool intentions of quiet emotions...and it is the latter I experience as a reader in this poem.

    The poem shows both a "happening" that is mundane but not at all, and shows a change in the writer's view as he goes through the awareness of the mundane. This is an element that deserves recognition because it is essentially one of the harder tricks to pull in creative writing. The "masses" tend to seek the instant emotions and stories that most readily agree with their fantasies, so it is often harder to draw them in through the mundane. I mean who has written a poem successfully that involved a dust ball under the bed? Sharon Olds. But again, she is a master at mixing the mundane into a larger perspective, as is the true crown of a writer.

    What I am not sure I appreciate is the opening quote or the title (surprisingly enough). In recent times I have noticed that quotes tend to cause a certain laziness in both the reader and the writer...it has a way of cancelling out the message even though one thinks they are doing the opposite. So, might reconsider how and why you are attached as a writer to leaning on the quote. I have used them and in reflection notice that they took away from the poem rather than added too them. They seem almost pretentious and like cloud stealing. But that is just my opinion, take it or leave it Casanova.

    My gripe with the title is that it is too explanatory. I laugh because I see from the other comments that some thought you were being too evasive and I am arriving a few days late with a different voice in that regard. I believe that this poem has an evasive element to it that is natural to the voice and tone of the poem. But the title has one word too many, in my opinion. If I were the editor I would drop "strange" from the title because it is not really about "strange" at all but that sets the reader up to think something specific about what you are writing, rather than exploring it with you. And, you seem to only mention the word "strange" one another time...so, you can take or leave that word really from the title.

    Awe of Nothing - is a much stronger title for this poem (in my opinion).

    Now for some nit picky things like too many of words such as "there" and "that:"

    "There is nothing strange about that.
    There was nothing strange about that day."

    The above would be stronger if it read:

    There is nothing strange about that
    and nothing was strange about that day.

    Or somehow it needs to be reworked so it doesn't double back on itself (there)...it seems thick around the tongue.

    Another one:

    "The way I chose to word them both
    really isn't that important:"

    You don't need "that" in the second half of the sentence.

    Finally, I do love many elements in this poem and I already mentioned the cliched or over used language of this section, so possibly it would be stronger if re-worked or removed - but I tend to be brutal with my own work and remove stuff all the time.

    "I tickled clouds with my feathers,
    soared and swooped as I fancied,
    and smiled clear across the blue--
    to and from who-knows-where--"


    Okay, the end. Bravo! My back hurts, I am going back to bed.







  • Zayra Yves gold member
    December 5, 2006
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    First Stop

    This is my first stop after yoga...so I am beat and I am reading only this one and going to bed shortly thereafter.

    I read this twice. I am coming back to read it tomorrow. It is one of your finest. Seriously.

    But the last one I read of yours was really pretty good too...

    This line is amazing:

    "As past and future turned to nothing.
    the wind and I exchanged no words."

    The two lines after it sounded cliche and hallmark...tickling clouds...did not work for me.

    Overall this is a fine poem and it has strong intellectual quality, of course...and I am coming back tomorrow to tell you more.

    Keep the points.




    • JustBe gold member
      December 5, 2006

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      Excellent

      Now that is exactly the kind of honesty I just love in a critique. Damn right. Call it cliche like you see it. Dying to know whatever else you have to say. Be mean. Say, "Grrrr," while typing, if that helps. Always love to hear from you, Z.

  • twisted butterfly
    December 1, 2006

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    Its nice to come back on after so long away and see that you have new work on here. I always find your writing inspirational and this is no exception. The sky can be just like a roaring fire in its abstractness and paints pictures right before your eyes. I assume it does this with anyone that stops and looks for a while but maybe its only the ones with a vivid imagination that see all these images.

    Anyway...

    For me your words are your paintbrush and your formatting your palette. An enjoyable read.

    I apologise for not giving you a more detailed comment but its late, Im tired and as you know I will return and read again as I do with all of your poems (when Im actually online!)

    Lisa.


  • horus8 gold member
    December 1, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Hindenburgers

    I was hoping that a cesna had wing clipped the goodyear blimp
    sending both objecst wafting into flaming wet oblivion.

  • Lute
    December 1, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    first, that big print seems to be yelling at me. No yelling please my head hurts. if you stop to examine them yes they are filled with emptiness.
    when you say what dids you witness, are you sure the beauty was unfathomable, not so much to comprehend the lillies as to feel them.
    Nonetheless (in English),
    astygmatically sieved
    through the uncommon childhood
    of another pair of retinas:
    This is all very nice, but to state it simply might have made comprehension a little easier. Clever doesn't make tears well in the reader's eyes.

    this next verse, lines 38-40 exemplify that search for beauty you found impossible just a short while back.

    It needs a consistant tone, a constant syntax. expossition, discourse do not contribute to alleviating the "ennui", or the fear of such. Seek to elicit an emotional response in the reader
    ??

    • JustBe gold member
      December 3, 2006
      Edit | Reply

      You were right.

      I read the piece a whole bunch more time, and wound up agreeing with you: It did sound contradictory. The language was a bitch to fix in a way that didn't suck. Thanks huge. So glad there are people to ask for advice that are capable of giving it well.
      ~Morgan

    • JustBe gold member
      December 1, 2006
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for your insightful commentary.

      Are you saying that

      "Nonetheless (in English),
      astygmatically sieved
      through the uncommon childhood
      of another pair of retinas"

      is jolting because the reader has to stop to figure it out? Sort of like a poem in mid-sentence? Hadn't thought of that. BW77 didn't like it, either.

      With regard to "unfathomable," I meant to differentiate between feeling and comprehension, since feeling is perception--which is subjective. L38-L40 are my own subjective, patently linguistic *account* (abstraction) of beauty *perceived*. Beauty (in my thinking) is real, vs. perceived, and therefore has "no just description" -- is not worthy of note -- since description is abstracted. I did find the beauty; I just couldn't take it with me or give it away. Therefore, I cannot offer the reader more than moving language, written after the fact, with no *real* aspect other than whatever feeling is derived from the language itself. Hence the two voices. Beauty can lie in language, but it connot be truly conveyed by it. That's why we need poets.

      I guess that's pretty philosophical, but poetry and philosophy are just as inextricably linked as philosophy and science. I think they're largely the same thing. I love to write about ontology. The difference between reality/subjective perception/linguistic abstraction is the reason we invented war.

  • penman gold member
    November 30, 2006
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    Excellent

    A very well thought out and probing piece. Truly explores the depths of the quote. Good luck in the contest.


    • JustBe gold member
      November 30, 2006
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks! And good luck to you also, sir.
  • Nicole Hanna
    November 30, 2006

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    I just adored the last three lines of the first stanza. That kind of detail is what I love about poetry, and you nailed here in your opening. And what do ya know... you end up carrying on the level of detail into the second stanza, with the first four lines there, specifically, though the scene weaved on well past that. "I have mumbled with passion" is my favorite line in the entire poem, right up there with "would you say you comprehend the lilies?"

    I can see why you're proud of this piece. So much goodness going on that I was a wee bit distressed to see it end. The final lines were, to me, like a breath of air during an Indian summer, unexpected but serene.


    • JustBe gold member
      November 30, 2006
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for being so complimentary. I don't think I can respond to all of that adequately, so I'll just say thanks again. You left a bit of a poem in my comments thread. Can't hope for much more than that.

  • Just Rob gold member
    November 30, 2006

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    Right On!

    This is such a Daliesque grasp of the moment. The surreal lived in the mundane moment. This is the way Poe would say, "it was dark". I loved the dicotomy of this, the two voices. Way too many killer lines to bother quoting, just a very colorful and engaging read.

    Peace


    • JustBe gold member
      November 30, 2006
      Edit | Reply
      You are excellent, Rob. Kudos much appreciated. I hope you are in print somewhere. I think I'll just say thanks.


  • j-ay rose
    November 30, 2006