Slump of a pine tree
settled into
decoration,
split shell scream
from the walnuts
in grandfather's hand,
swirled scent of candy canes
and the orange zest
steamed from grandma's tea;
all half circled around the snap
of lazy flames
in a store bought fireplace-
Author notes
it would be nice to have an on-site spell checker, again. Remember the good ole days? 
- Poets With Feathers group list • next in list
A contest entry
- orange zest by Cat.
550 points, ended December 3, 2006, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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This is a beautiful memory of Christmas past, it is so beautiful to look upon those moments as they pass by. I love the word choice.
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WOW!!!!!!!!! A single moment in time captured to perfection! What a read this one is!!!!!!!
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Wonderful short piece! Lovely imagery, very sensory. You captured a single precious moment in time with such clarity. Beautiful!
~Lori
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So Wonderful!
Such a wonderful and memorable piece of amazing poetry here....great job! So much enjoyed the read...keep the ink flowing...smiles, Terry -
I miss my Grandmothers so much also,
and I love my store bought fireplace a great place to reflect on some of life's wonderful memories.
thanks for making me think of some of those wonderful times through your words.
Love and Light and a very Happy HOliday to you.
Frozentearz -
I like it. It's edgy.
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Thank you. I have the final version off-site. It's not much different, but enough that I think it adds something that this version is missing.
Often I don't post the finished product of pieces... just in case.
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Yep. Just in case.
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Makes me miss my grandma... a nostalgic piece that took me way back in time. Thanks for sharing this. You have conjured some great images to my mind!
Blessings,
Frog~ -
yeah, i like this- very nice
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so much i love about this-
i love the slump of tree ( a perfect description once the pine has melted and drooped a bit) - i love the way you brought the orange zest in-(probably closest description -to what i was looking for with the contest title) - i like the snap of lazy flames-
i almost question the final stanza- it feels a bit wrapped up- i wonder about ending it right after the store bought fireplace?-
at any rate a very nice poem with some great moments and an asset to my contest.
m -
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Actually, you (and Lisa) are right about the final stanza... I've killed out the laughing children... ending it with the fireplace. I think it had a bit too many visuals in it before.
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Hmmm, very warm, peaceful and serene. I grew up in Africa where we had summer Christmasses, and the idea of snow and fires in a fire place always fascinated me. Your poem took me back to those days as a kid.
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awesome!
i liked this right here! wonderful for christmas!! keep it up yo`!
peace!
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I'm so behind...
Hi you. I'm really behind but attempting to catch up now. This poem is odd for me. I sense a few different tones. One is perhaps too sentimental for me the other captures a sense of the irony that surrounds these over commercialized holidays and yet what can still be found inside the "cheese" so to speak. You make it palpable in certain lines.
If it was my poem, which obviously it isn't, I would consider deciding on that tone, the irony and consider something like this:
A Christmas Poem
slump of a pine tree
settled into decoration,
split shell scream
from the walnuts
in grandfather's hand,
swirled scent of candy canes
and the orange zest
steamed from grandma's tea
laughter of children, ringing
as they shed coats, snow boots
all half circled around the snap
of lazy flames
in a store bought fireplace.
But obviously that's me. I think the extra lines at the top are unnecessary ESPECIALLY because slump of pine tree is such a good entrance --
I'd incorporate the children into the other excellent descriptions of the goings on and then plunk us out of that with the store bought fireplace line.
It might change what your are after, obviously, and as always, I only offer suggestions because: 1. You let me. 2. The poem has, in my humble opinion, great bones to work with.
Good luck in the contest. Hope you are doing well
Lisa
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Actually, you've hit upon what is happening with this poem. I've taken it, twisted it, and pulled out the bits I wasn't completely fond of...
poetic surgery.
You are right about the intro lines. They will probably come off now. Many of my revisions come when I create a 'hard copy' of it (print it out)... so that the finished poem isn't here. Some, though, remain as-is. -
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Good stuff. Still loving that slump of pine entrance..
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Sounds like some wonderful traditions and I thank you for sharing them with us a delight to read
I cain't beleive how fast it is coming,
Happy Holiday to you and yours.
Warm thoughts
Frozentearz -
Memories! awwww
How did I miss this! grrrrrr
the new system!!! I was suppose to get a note when you posted something ....hmmmm
I love this! It makes me all warm and cozy and ready for Christmas!
Makes me miss my Grandpa and Grandma
You mentioned the real memories, the simple things about the day...That is what it is all about....not how much you spend ......I still have the same ornaments that my kids made in elementry school, and I still like candy canes on the tree. I may even string some popcorn after reading this....
You know I adore your poetry and you...
Lynda
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Cute
I really like the description of an actual nice christmas....i know these days the picture never really comes out that way, but its such a pretty picture to paint in ones mind. Good job, i really enjoyed reading this -
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Yes. This is in the days that I liked christmas. It was such a great time. Now I don't talk to that family.
It was a pretty picture while it lasted.
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Your poem touches the senses, and leaves the reader to enjoy the "snap of lazy flames". Enjoyed the visit. Beautifully penned!
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christmas.
bah! humbug!
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Wonderful
A sentimental write, that's not over the top. The imagery was perfect! Another good write!
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Love it. The nostalgia does it for me as well. I miss my grandma so much. She is in a home now and just about given up on life. She was my savior as a child. Brought me some memories...Trina
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argh-colours.
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ooops, told you I am a scatter brain.. I meant to applaud.
-sigh.... I'm just useless tonight..
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Eh, the spell checker is gone.
Oh no, that's my dependency... (I am the world's worst speller)...
Anyways, I like this poem... just the nostalgia, I guess.
A different kind of Christmas... I liked the flipant line 'store bought fireplace-' A splash of reality...
(eh fuck, my thoughts are comming in little meaningless spurts tonight... sorry
)
Loved it,
Shirley
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