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As Women
we have learned well how to play as fools
with our parallel planes
breaking apart in the clouds--
Women intent on creating homes
out of stone and stick,
breast-feeding hope to long
aborted infants, keep the tears to our-
selves in fear of calming the ghosts.
We carry the water jugs on our heads,
balancing acts that break concentration
upon what has begun to matter less-
women of the forgotten, misplaced;
weave our souls around
and through that which only moves
in the shadows and we haven't mastered
the hunting of big game well enough
to catch what it is we need for survival,
but we plunder on-
like forest dwellers relocating to villages
that know not the curve of real women.
Truth ripped carelessly from our wombs.
Knotted our hair in mourning,
we wander clay streets naked
in hope to prove we are more than
sister moons that revolve unamused planets,
but blood heavy lovers awaiting
the burial of maidenhoods, awaiting
the clasp of gold in significant rites.
We, the complimenting goddesses, broke
minutes in halves just to have time last
long enough to hear our cries
echo back, unheard, and have fallen
under the spell of shamans, soothsayers
and men who have learned to play
at our weakness-- hope.
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Author notes
Twin situations create sisters of misery...
A contest entry
- Twins by Danna Hobart.
375 points, ended December 25, 2006, 13 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Half an Hour.... Tick tock... tick tock... by deadcolor dreams.
700 points, ended February 3, 2007, 8 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
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Your title gave away who this was. I can tell it's not Blkwidow77- she is the cornered spider. And I know for a fact that 'The last girl standing' is Annalise. Ah, you make it too easy for me. Yes indeed...
This poem was exceptional, but for me, I'm a linebreak nazi- and I feel like you need more, to emphasize alot more of the lines. Otherwise, great job and good luck.
~Lindsay
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Amazing
I am completely in awe of this poem. I can't offer any suggestions. It seems you have it completely refined already. Your images are powerful. I especially like line twelve. I watched a film in my anthropology class recently that showed women carrying heavy pots of water on their heads in some remote African villiage, and they carry them eight times a day from the well to their huts. And sometimes I think I have it tough.
Lines 24 and 25 are particularly emotive as well. Thank you for entering. -
You know I love my "women- we are strong" poems. lol. Or even just the poetry bitching about how we are women. LOL. Either way, I had to rectify being so remiss in catching up on everyone's poetry, so made a stop here to see what I've been missing.
"breastfeeding hope..." sheesh... now there's a depressing thought, but damn did it sure sound purdy. I love how you played on all the typical views of women and just totally made them work to your benefit (or more specifically, the benefit of this fantastic poem).
You... sniff... had me at hello
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I was surprised by the title, as in a way, it represents our past. I'm not sure what I expected when I came in here, but it was definitely a more universal piece.
The title indicates what led into your line of thought when you began this, but fell into general terms of a female's struggle through a 'man's world'. Equality is still a rose colored ideal. A nice thought, but still only existing in fiction.
The form isn't my favorite, but it's mostly due to the fact that I lose my place easily, and the line breaks help me keep them. Poetically speaking, this didn't require line breaks for message, so I guess it becomes a judgement call then. Do you intend to use this format more, or did it just wind up that way?
To be honest, I would have liked a more personal touch. But it's not because it needed it, and more that that's what I'm craving at the moment, given my mood. So it's really something to disregard. hm.
This is a nice line:
~~breast-feeding hope to long
aborted infants,~~
but I also like that line for very personal reasons. So I don't know how valid my opinion is there either. Sorry, my mood is fucked. But I did want to say something~ -
oh
You have left me speechless. And very impressed. Wow.
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great line- "breast-feeding hope to long abored infants"
again, great line- "blood heavy lovers awaiting the burial of maidenhoods"
wonderful imagery, I haven't been in the poetry mindset for ages, but from what I remember, you did a very nice job with this
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True,
but then there are plenty of guys who get bitten, mangled, eaten, etc. while they are hunting down dinner. Heck, even modern day hunters in civilized countries gas themselves with carbon monoxide, fall out of deer blinds (fatally!) and experience a host of other calamities all in the pursuit of adventure. -
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huh?
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oh, btw, I hope my comment didn't sound like I was calling you a whore.. my mouth often slips out my imagination in words of fuck, and I can't control it..
sorry darling. x -
holy fuck, this totally blew me away in strides. I barely survived that greatness of each line and yet the next line(s) just kept pulling me into the essence of the timeless battle.
I know this will sound creepy, but the image this provoked was of two girls (most likely you and jess
Anyways, back to your poem, I promised to return to one of your other writes, and offer a more thorough review but as my brain is dough, I can't recall which poem that was. I hope you'll forgive me, either way, I stumbled upon this write as I was searching for the one I was looking for, and I am still in quite shock, which is probably why I rambling. shit...
Sorry doll, but this is amazing, and I could not let that go unsaid--
~Shirley
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LOL Thank you...
I must be a bit thick today, because I didn't "get" the whore reference... not that it would insult me in anyway. I put my (and everyone around me)life out in the open here. It's the only time I ever open up (and it tends to become a bit cryptic at times.
)
The title lends itself to the subjects, but it is a universal "woman" poem...
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eh, so my apology just made me sound like a silly fool anyways? haha, that sounds like me... ~sigh~
Again loved the poem, and well done at creating a poem that seems so personal but is yet universal... Reaks of talent. <33 -
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Thank you, again.
naw, didn't make you sound like a silly fool. I worked 10 hrs today, so anything that isn't "out in the open" will go way beyond me...
I'm suprised at this piece, actually. It wasn't what I intended when I started it... and it is a bit more metaphorical than I usually write. Odd, huh?
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Haha, Odd... hmm, no I don't think so just an unexpected stroke of brilliance... It must be good to have suprised the poet. xx
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Ah this write is very much like a woman in my eyes.
We twist and curve, seduce and lure.
Hold strong, yet can show that we are fragile.
Behold..
A Woman.
Mythical creature with grace..
You ah your heart always makes me think too much my friend.
Like the ending of a good book, I never want it to end.
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I haven't reached the bottom yet, I'll come back...
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I wish I had time to comment. I'll be back~
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-jess continues her useless comments-
You know- it's weird.. bu i love the form it's in. I've always associated your poems with meaningful line breaks. I think that has influenced my poems a lot in that I alwasy think about lien breaks now whereas before i never had. But the lack of it is stunning in a way..
Both you and widow are deinitly what i would call.. women well, you know that lol!! But i mean, idk..
There's lady, girl, etc.. but you two are woman actually, not women.. it doesn't fit..
And you are both brilliant.. and edgy, and very interesting..
hm. I adore this piece i really do. I find it hard to write about other people i have decided. they all come out shite. I've tried to write stuff for you soooo many times, they've been shit-
oop. i just had an idea.. *rushes off* -
Brilliant language, adapting different senses and twisting thoughts. The end was a powerful wrap up, with soft assonance underscoring a heavy message, it was balenced in tone.
There were really too many ideas here to discuss at depth or even breifly, but I think I'll bookmark this and continue reading it.
The only phrase I thought was unworthy of the rest of the poem was "raped of truth" there was a plethora of fresh images here with only a few decending to the more common, this one though seemed particularly used. We've heard it so frequently its easy to relegate it to the back of the brain and not actually 'think' about it, and it was in my oppinion an important part of the poem.
Thank you for this inventive and brain shifting piece. I'm sure I'll be working out alitteral metephors for a week.
By the way I also liked the title.
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You are deep on many levels. Both of you ladies are. I love the last line. For we do hold on to hope somewhere at all times; even when we try not too. It gets played upon and broke apart; yet still we hold on to that one more try...the next one, the next time, etc. Well written as always...Trina
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Ah.
Yeah, we do hold onto hope, sometimes so long our fingers cramp and there is no reprive. But yet, we continue holding...
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and so much more. this is personal, and universal. neat-o, huh?
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It seems deeper by several fathoms.
Having raised a daughter and well on the way to raising another I could wax philosophic right now but I'll avoid that, only saying that there is the paradox of women being the strongest sex in all but
animal strength still so often falls under the spell
of your 'shamans'
This is a poem for reading and thinking. It's more than an entertainement
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Thank you.
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