~Firker's Tale~

Oh, there once was a lad...A boy with only bad luck, his name was Firker.
Well Firker was once a slightly happy child, until on his 10th birthday his mom took him to a Big Shots sale, and he was abducted by pink rocker aliens...The aliens failed to turn him into robotic vending machine, but managed to stick a screw driver in his head, so from then on Firker lived with a screw driver embedded in his skull, and if it were removed he would
die...
One day while he was in his little cage, he spoke to his captors.
Firker:"Ahem...hey guys, I know this a weird question but when can i go live in the world beyond the cage? I've been your pet for a little over 3 years now you know, heh."
The pink aliens were rocking out on their guitars, while one replied...
Pink alien:"Outside world? Nice one fucker."
While another said...
Other pink alien:"Well Firker, we've been keeping you for 3 years because we wanted to protect you."
Firker:"From a Big Shots sale?"
Alien:"More than that, we wanted a pet as well, and then we saw you, and here we are today!"
Other alien:"That's right, fuck the man!"
Firker:"People don't stick screw drivers into their pet's heads."
Alien:"Well the world is a big lame ass place."
Firker:"I want to experience the world's lame-assness!"
Other Alien:"Fag."
Alien:"Fine."
And so they let Firker go, Who celebrated his release!
Firker:"WEE!"
While a scary hobo came by...
Hobo:"Come here buddy."
Firker:"Okay!"
Bad choice for Firker...When he over, the hobo tied him up in a chair, and the said...
Hobo:"I'm a crazy hobo who will torture you!!"
This was the only thing said before he had Firker watch Titanic 30 times, non-stop...Firker sat in the chair immobile and unable to scream due to one of the hobo's dirty socks was stuck in his mouth...Many hours past, when the hobo then acted out the play Hamlet with sock puppets
10 times...Finally the hobo released Firker.
Hobo:"You may leave now my son...Have this pack of cigarettes."
Firker had never smoked before but for somehow he pulled out a lighter, and just started smoking them with his face blank.
He walked on traumatized, when he saw another hobo walk by...
Firker:"STAY AWAY BITCH! I've got Lysolo!"
And he ran away cooing like a pigeon.
Once he stopped and lit up another ciggy, a big dude came up to him dressed in boxes..
BoxMan:"I hate underaged smokers! damn juvenile delinquets!"
And the box man ripped off the boxes revealing a wrestling suit..
Firker was now in a wrestling ring.
Announcer:"IN THIS CORNER WE HAVE FIRKER! A 13 YEAR OLD WITH A SCREW DRIVER STUCK IN HIS HEAD WEIGHING AT 98 LBS!"
"AND IN THE OTHER CORNER WE HAVE BOX MAN! CHAMPION OF PICKING ON YOUNG HOODLUMS!"
Firker was firked...The next day he woke up in a public park...he was in a sand box lying down under a crap load of ciggys...
Fiker:"Oww, my head.." a kid then came by.
Kid:"LA la la la la!"
Firker:"HISS!"
Kid:"AAAaaaHH!"
Firker then wandered to a nearby store where a clown was giving out balloons...
Clown:"HI THERE! BY ONE PLEASE!"
Firker:"Um, no thanks pal."
Clown:"ExCuuuuuuuse me??"
What did firker get himself in to? Well lets skip the long parts...
Okay, so now Firker is 15, and locked away in a tower with a crack smoking monkey...
Firker:"Misery, I only feel misery!"
Monkey:"Shut up emo!"
Firker:"Emo? what is that?"
Monkey:"Well, basically you."
Firker:"Really? I'm something besides a deranged being who attracts evil to his soul?"
The Monkey thought to himself...
Monkey:"Say.."
Firker:"Yeah?"
Monkey:"If you were really emo, you would cut yourself in fatal places...heh heh.."
Firker:"How?"
Monkey:"With this razor blade i have in my pocket.."
Firker:"This seems stupid."
Monkey:"Only cause it is!"
Firker just stared at the monkey strangely.
Monkey:"Here i'll do it for ya."
Firker:"Uh, thank you? But no thanks, I want to complain about my misery..
If I'm dead how can I?
Monkey:"Yeah, heh heh heh, how can you?"
Firker then got adopted by vampires...Firker thought they were nice to be miserable with but left after they ran out of cigarettes...
Then Calvin found him...
Calvin:"Pathetic life form how goes yee?"
Firker:"I've been tortured by numerous creatures since the age of ten, now i'm 15...Now my mind has been traumatized to the state that it is equivalent to being stabbed in the head by a #2 pencil 5 times..."
Calvin:"Uh, Ok."
Firker:"I live in total misery, but i don't cry anymore because i eventually couldn't cry anymore after i was forced to watch Titanic 30 times nonstop.."
Calvin:"Heh heh, that's so pathetic it's kinda funny...Go ahead tell me more of this miserable life you've endured."
Firker told Calvin everything that happened to him since, before, and after that one fateful day of the Big Shot's sale.
Calvin:"wow, your mom was a dentist? how awful heh heh."
Firker:"Yes, is there anything i can do to be even more miserable?"
Calvin:"Of course! I know a Hello Kittie satanic worshipping cult only 5 minutes from here!"
Firker:"I don't actually want to be more miserable, i was just saying."
Calvin:"Oh..."
All of a sudden Calvin grabbed  a pet carrier out of his pocket..
Calvin:"Here."
Firker:"For Me???"
He opened it..Firker:"An elf?"
Calvin:"Yesss."
And a weird thing happened, firker actually looked a little happy.
When out of nowhere came a ferocious zombie who bit off the elf's head.
Firker:"GASP!" Calvin:"Bwahahaha!...I mean, damn tough luck."
Calvin saw how bad luck lingered on Firker so he decided to amuse himself with the misery of the Firk.
Calvin:"Here have an ice cream.." Fiker:"cool!"
But just then a goblin hopped out of a garbage can and ate it...
Goblin:"Yum-yum! HEE hee ha ha!!"
Firker:"Firk you!"
Calvin fell over laughing...Calvin:"Oh boy that was funny shit!"
Calvin then gave him a snickerers to make up for the ice cream.
Firker looked around for weird creatures before attempting to take this one...Firker:"Thanks."
When a baby stroller appeared out of nowhere next to him.
Firker:"Babies are scary."
The baby reached for his candy..Firker:"Not for babies!"
Baby:"Goo-Give it Fucker."
Firker:"Huh? did he just say?" Calvin:"Hm?" Firker:"never mind."
Firker kept saying no to the infant../
Firker:"No bad baby thingy!" The baby's face got all snarly and wrinkled looking...Baby:"I said now, awhile ago...we don't want any complications do we Mr. Firk?" and the baby pulled out a gun, and giggled..
Firker:"Oh just fucking have it."
Calvin was utterly astonished with amusement at this...he continued setting up stages for weird shit, until one day...
Calvin:"Firk? I've got a new pet elf for you!"
When calvin stumbled upon a note...
Which said:"Mr. Calvin, I'm sorry but I couldn't take it anymore, you must understand that one would kill himself if his candy was stolen by a baby with a man's voice and face...well try to understand...you gotta know that sometimes the screw is in deeper than the nut! well stay relatively evil..
~Firker."
Calvin:"My entertainment...gone...NO!"
It turns out that Firker killed himself by removing the screw driver from his deranged head...That is Firker's Firkerfully Firked Tale...
~THE END~