I met a very special woman when I joined AP. For so long, I set all day and night pondering over what was the right thing to do. I knew in my heart that I love her very much. I knew she loved me as well. However, I understood the repercussions of letting her into my life. I've been scared both physical and emotionally to a point that I no longer can handle the pains. I've endured eleven major surgeries. Four surgeries were back fusions. I live with chronic pains and will continue do so for the remainder of my life. However, I have managed to disguise my pains very well.
Even today, I hide behind a mask that is a vision of joy and happiness. However, sad emotions are buried deep within. I place up an invisible wall that hides the physical torment that I live with. When the pains become overwhelming, I sneak away to the bathroom to shed a few tears, and then, wash my face. I take a few deep breaths and look into the mirror to reassure my face displays false impressions to others that I am fine. I have become a masterful magician in creating an illusion that others do not recognize.
Nevertheless, my artistic mystery is one that I cannot hide from the ones I love. Close friends and family realizes the excruciating pains that I hide every day. My former spouse watched me suffer daily for over five years. My pains became too much for her. My physical pains caused great emotional distress for her. My pains had become the norm in my life, and I was fortunate to be living. Yet no matter how hard I try, I will hurt the ones I love because I cannot place up the special hidden wall that masks my pains. In May, I found out the dreadful news of needing another lumbar fusion. After telling my wife about the decision, she left me after being together for over eight years. She left me when I needed her the most. My former wife was the only one that knew the struggle of recovering from spinal fusion. She has watched me endure these recoveries three prior times. The shock of trying to deal with both the emotional and physical pains sent me spiraling to the hell known as clinical major depression. I was treated in an inpatient and out patient program. I was diagnosed as having major depression and a very high risk of attempting suicide, which I had recently attempted. Major depression has been more painful than all my surgeries combined. I still have major depression disorders and have to stay on much medication to keep my emotions under control and help to prevent panic attacks. Occasionally, a panic attack will overcome me, but I have learned how to control them much better.
Suddenly, an angel appeared into my life. She was so kind, compassionate, loving and understanding. She suffers with bipolar disorders as well. I began pondering over whether or not I can allow us to be together. The emotional pains that I will cause for her due to my physical pains are unintentional and unavoidable. I asked myself, "What is the right thing to do." Will my physical and emotional scars cause her condition to become worse? Could I provide a lifestyle for her that would make her happy? Was I hurting her by loving her? Day and night I contemplated over these concerns. I loved her too much and would never want to hurt her or deny her the life she deserves.
I've lived half a lifetime. Past relationships were deceitful ones that left emotional scars that may never go away. After my former wife left, I vowed to a life of loneliness because I could not live through this pain again. Then the evil demon of depression began ruling my life, and I became trapped in a dark world of hell. I have come a long way since breaking my back years ago. I battled everyday for two years and my perseverance paid off. I learned to walk again, which many said was impossible and a miracle. My family was my inspiration. I went back to college and have an Associate's Degree, and I am less than two semesters from obtaining a Bachelor's Degree in both Education and Mathematics. I love tutoring. I took off during the summer and fall semesters to help recover and get my life somewhat stable again. I adore and bond easily to those with disabilities. I understand their concerns because of my struggles with disabilities. My miseries in life became a "Gift" to use to help others. Additionally, it was during this time when I turned to writing to release my emotions. My writings became more poetic as time passed. I saw AP and joined up and have met many wonderful friends. More importantly, I met other poets that suffer with the same emotional scars as I have. It was at AP, when my angel came into my life.
So, here I was at another crossroad in my life, what is the right thing to do? The most wonderful woman that I have ever met loves me just for me. The finest opportunities do not come very often in our lives. I tried to avoid my love for her and started pushing her away and hoping she would still be a lifelong friend. She could live with my decision even though it hurt her so. She wanted more than friendship. In reality, so did I. I placed up my mystical wall to prevent her from seeing my real feelings of love for her deep inside. I laid down each night for a week wondering why I am forcing myself in living alone when I know that this is not what I want. Life is hard, and life is not much fun unless you have someone to share the good times and help each other through the bad. Each day, I started dying inside more and more over this choice I had made. The thought of living through every season alone was more pain than I could handle. Major depression was again dominating my life. I learned in therapy the importance of making myself happy and loving myself first. After accomplishing this difficult task, everything else may begin to fall into place and some normality will return in my life.
One night, I took a very long drive to clear my mind and hope for an answer. I listened to music throughout this long lonesome drive. I had rerecorded many of my favorite songs on a few CDs. I drove and listen to music for hours and had not reached any answers to help relieve my pains and dilemma. Suddenly, the very last song on the CD came on, and I pulled off the road to listen to this song over and over again. I cried each time I listened to the lyrics. The lyrics remain in my mind ever day since that night.
I drove back home and began writing to the woman that I love so deeply. I told her how much I adored and loved her and if it was not too late, I wanted to give us a chance. At first she was hesitant and confused at why I had changed my mind. At that time, I only let her know that I loved her, wanted her, and needed her in my life forever. I said, "Please open your heart and try to believe and trust me. I love you so much, please give us a chance." She cried and said, "I Love you too." We both cried together and we knew our love for each other was pure and true. Recently, I told her about that night when I took a long drive seeking and hoping for answers. Currently, we are so much in love and have form an unbreakable bond. We plan on getting married next year. I almost lost the most loving woman in the world, because I would not allow love and a relationship into my life again. I find it so amazing the power of words and that one song caused me to open my heart and let love into my life. Furthermore, it was the power of words and poetry that first brought us together. I enter a contest on AP, and we began talking and became very close. From there we fell in love. We are impatiently waiting in becoming husband and wife.
I have found the means to move to Australia on May 4, 2007 to be with my great new love Amanda, PhantomsAngel87. We plan to get married shortly thereafter. Amanda is my everything.
UPDATE: November 29, 2007
To clear up any confusion that you may have at the ending of this story. This was written long ago before I moved to Austrailia. Amanda and I got happily married On Septemper 25, 2007. We are living in Perith, NSW, Australia.
The Eagles implied this romance and love in their famous song "Desperado."
This story is one that is true. Not only was this a story but a true event that was inspired by the song, "Desperado," written and performed by the Eagles in 1973. They named the album, "Desperado." However, the song "Desperado" known by millions was never released as a single.
In 1973, the Eagles had the following four members: Glen Frey, Don Henley, Bernie Leadon, and Randy Meisner. Soon they recruited Don Felder. Leadon was tired of excessive touring and left the band after completing their fourth album, "One of These Nights." It was then Joe Walsh was chosen to replace Leadon. The Eagles are extremely talented musicians. However, every one of the members has always agreed that lyrics are the most essential part of every song.
Adding your comment:
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As for the severe depression, i don't suffer with it myself - but have encountered it with family members, it is hard to live with and hard to live with someone who lives with it. 
I want to be here I want to help people find a way out..I want to be them so they don't hurt or face what they have to..I would give my own life to save another, friend or foe..
lol 
. There is an old saying;
I have been having some difficult times getting settled in the new beautiful country of Australia [Mostly Government Red Tape and trying to relocate]. However, I am sure that things will all work out in the long run
