In the Now

I fordged an invitation to my new life,
Open doors and parallel legs.
"This is aception" I told myself.
And with no restraint
Or awareness
I was living.
The shoe fit,
And I ran the mile
With no recolection of the hazard signs.
I've been bound by hope
And my actions dictated by patience.
But these surroundins have no ties
And it's now or never.
"This is living" I repeat
And shut my eyes to the reality
Only removing myself emotionaly.
I close tighter and tighter.
Responsible for my own actions,
When does maturity override these decisons?
I should be mature by now.
I should be somewhere besides here.
I repeat the cycle.
I'm under the influence of freedom,
I abuse it and myself
I'd cry and tell you
I want to stop.
But I'm going to cut and bleed instead,
Until my body weight is equivalent to my emptiness.
"I've never felt so alive" I forcefully say.
I've never felt so overhwelmed by contradicting feelings.
This is what I asked for.
I ran that mile,
Fearing that if I slowed,
I'd realise that I've taken a wrong turn.
I'd cry and tell you I regret living in the now,
But tears don't show my emptiness.
"Just smile" I think to myself,
And shut them tighter...
Tighter...