Upon dusk's doorstep where his day stood still,
sitting next to the patio table,
he stared into the empty glass
with weeping eyes.
A mournful beauty he was in love with,
but only twenty feet away she stood,
as Shiva's divine maid,
without heeding his call.
But as the sun left the stage
and dusk created a new scene,
while the air grew colder
the moisture gathered to his glass,
a bird flew through the sky.
Its beak turned towards the rising moon
as it then turned to dust.
Twisting throughout the labyrinth
that some would call his heart,
not even that bird could have escaped.
The intricacy of this maze could not defend
him from her.
The hunger and tempetation,
the thirst and desire,
surround him as walls.
But he knew it was not her
that he would find
in the center of this maze,
but instead a figure of himself.
As he stole into the glass
that no longer held his reflection,
he watched her saunter away,
her body turning to dust.
A filial ideal
that could not be constrained
by this era of development,
but always boasted upon,
by those in love.
This world had bit the dust.
Author notes
An older poem that I had forgotten to put up here. Critique, if you will.
A contest entry
- Change by Rosemary Stroebel.
525 points, ended December 9, 2006, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Hopelessy Romantic Guys by Ice queen 17.
300 points, ended April 5, 2007, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critique, please.
Comments
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Nicely written
This is a beautiful poem with great flow and rhythm.
The metaphors create amazing imagery of sadness and longing. My only comment would be that I feel the last line does not truly belong here. It actually breaks done the impact of this amazing poem.
Well done and good luck.
Rosemary -
Wow. This is an absolutely amazing poem. I really enjoyed the beginning. My favorite line in the poem is: "The intricacy of this maze could not defend him from her." You seem to have a lot of talent. Keep it up. I'm applauding you. <33
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Thank you for the commend and applause. Was there a least favorite line, perhaps?
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"The hunger and tempetation,
the thirst and desire,
surround him as walls."
That seemed somewhat cliche to me at first.. but that's only thing I can say I liked less. :]
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