A fire burns a few logs in a grate;
It's flickering upon my heart of stone.
The light and heat combine to saturate
The senses, 'till the eyes see sound and tone
Of music. How the warmth spreads up my leg,
So freezing; thus I shiver 'till the world
Collapses. And my heart, soci'tal dreg,
Which, lounging 'bout as meatless hearts unfurled,
Perpetuated to conceal my end.
And now that food seems homely as I starve
In mind and body; Wish I not offend
The opulent of whom my stories carve.
Yet who would dare defrost when offered numb?
I'd rather sleep and wait for LOVE to come.
A contest entry
- BATTLE OF THE SONNETS---ROUND 1 by mamad.
400 points, ended June 3, 2007, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I have to agree with Jim, it was unclear in places. I understand a good majority of it, though. The word-weaving was superb in particular areas. I love the concept of line 4. Absolutely wonderful. The tone, throughout the poem, is clear.
Critically, I found some aspects of the poem redundant. For example, "'till" is used twice to achieve the same purpose. The interjection "Oh" was also used twice. Try and diversify that.
Your meter and rhyme scheme were thoroughly pleasant. As I mentioned previously, phrasing was stunning in certain places. Clean it up a little and this has the makings of a phenomenal sonnet. By any means, it's already a lovely one
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- C.H. -
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Thank you very much for the comment... I tried to clean up some of the confusing parts. I don't know if it will be much help, but I hope so!
Jen
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intriguing write
I like this, but it seems a bit unclear to me in places. However, the over all impact of the poem seems very positive. Good luck with your writing.
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