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Life and Love (Rewrite)

 

 

My feet carry me on this journey over life’s path made of stone;

Each step I grow older, each stone is a new stride into the unknown,

But it should not be said that this passage of life is one of ease

For it can be as dangerous as the voyage sailors take over the seas;

 

One of great beauty came into my life that changed this journey forever;

She was the one who I would spend the rest of my life with; however,

Society’s oppression and conformities would bring our apocalypse about,

But this feeling within my soul made me know she was the one without a doubt;

 

Our fingers laced as one like the laces of a shoe bound together for all of time;

Could this love we share when our eyes are locked be such a punishable crime?

One of such immense beauty and splendor I doubt that I could ever again find,

So I’ll take the plunge, for the risk is worth the entire world’s wealth combined;

 

On this journey that people often call life there will be many bumps in the road,

 But where is the life if there is no risk? Is love not worth both the risk and the load?

 

 

Author notes

Option: 4

Picture credited to lykomgzzzzz on deviant art. View the picture here: http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/37498214/

This poem is a rewrite of a poem I wrote back in March that was awarded gold for the contest it was written for. To view that poem, go here: http://allpoetry.com/poem/1894734

Thanks for taking the time to read it.

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Comments

1 - 34 of 34

  • Dave Gordon
    April 4, 2007

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    That piece is a journey by itself. I like the way it takes you along the path. It feels like it is not a static piece just about a particular thing, but rather a piece that evolves as it flows. Thank you, I enjoyed it very much.


  • see
    March 21, 2007
    Edit | Reply
    thank tim, no i live in U


  • Frogzter gold member
    February 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply
    I can relate to this one as well! Brilliantly well written with smooth flow and lovely rhymes. Yes there are many bumps in the road, but it is well worth the journey to experience love and the other wonderful things that life has to offer! Love it!
    Blessings and hugz,

    The Hoodwinking Frog strikes again!


  • Lady-Pegasus
    February 14, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    You've Just Been Hood-Winked, courtesy of Poetic Bandits

    It is indeed worth both!! I have my own 'plunging' experience and I never stopped taking the risk for love until the risk finally paid off for me, for once!! Very deep love poem indeed. One suggestion:
    in L9 and a comma after "Our fingers laced as one" so the seperate thoughts are both clear. Just a thought! Hope you are enjoying our first group HW!! i know i am Best of luck in this and all of your endeavors. Peg


  • peru
    January 7, 2007

    Edit | Reply

    Great as usual

    I can really relate to the piece dear.
    It's the same road i am walking on but i guess the destiny is different.
    All the best to you.
    God bless.
    With loads of wishes and love.
    --your admirer.


  • darkalesyse
    December 20, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    this is a lovely poem! it works so well. no mistakes i can point out by just reading through. your poetry speaks through the heart, and it's hard to find poems like that which hit home. thanks for sharing!

    tiff


  • Frodofan silver member
    December 8, 2006

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    It is so very worth it! Well said and done. Life can certainly be dangerous, but it would be quite boring without the risks.

  • phantom girl
    December 5, 2006
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    Another Awesome write


  • Cupcrazy gold member
    November 28, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    Wonderful

    I loved this piece, filled with excellent rhythm and flow and the rhyme was extremely well done. Soft and captivating are your words and imagry, old fashioned romance captured at it's finiest! Bunny


  • Lauren Noir
    November 28, 2006

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    Pure brillance

    A lovely point made
    With beauitful stanza painting pictures that are just so picturesque and delicate
    But they couldn't be broken
    On this journey that people often call life there will be many bumps in the road,

    But where is the life if there is no risk? Is love not worth both the risk and the load?

    That's amazing
    A brilliant reflection
    And just beauitful

    Well done
    Good luck in the contest

  • The Pole Star
    November 27, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    Though, a bit long but simple...but, not that simple too...just something like simply complex??? I liked the way the story began, way you found your life and encoraged yourself with some words...a good way to send and explore the poetic world of messages too...keep penning!

    Anyways, just one question, is this backgroud your creation or someone else?


    • Sharcu silver member
      November 27, 2006

      Edit | Reply
      This is a background I made specifically for this poem since I felt the image matched. Glad you liked the poem
      --Tim

      • The Pole Star
        November 27, 2006
        Edit | Reply
        Thanks for the reply Tim...I have saved the bg under ur name Hope u donna mind...


  • SilverButterfly gold member
    November 26, 2006
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    A worthwhile undertaking if you ask me! I can't see not atleast trying anyway. Great write Tim.I really love the part about your fingers being laced like shoe laces. That was adorable!! GBY


  • -LilacThOughts- gold member
    November 26, 2006

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    I'm always so impressed with your poetry bro, there is never any half measures because you are a perfectionist which tells in your writes, I feel very proud of you....This poem has a lot to give in imagery, quality rhyme, tone, flow and message...

    You have the skill to make the reader feel every emotion, in fact I always come away from your poetry still thinking about it long after...

    The first two lines are quite exciting and realistic, because every breath we take is done in a moment that slips behind us...time gone and time still to come, that's the exciting part but as you say life is not easy and is full of dangers along the way, but how can we be prepared for the unknown?

    Our own lives are too precious and short to waste, we should go where our hearts take us, I think our heads and other peoples heads rule us too much, we are born with the freedom of choice, and if we don't have that, then it's someone elses doing...

    You've taken us on a journey of love in this piece...a love that's not being allowed to flourish:

    *Our fingers laced as one like the laces of a shoe bound together for all of time; Could this love we share when our eyes are locked be such a punishable crime?*

    I believe love is worth fighting for, God gave is a heart, I say follow it

    Love you loads
    ~sis





  • Warrior of Peace
    November 26, 2006

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    Keep up the good write

    I like how you use the Lord as a good poem. My fav part is the first part. It remind of when jesus said you can choose life or death. I was moved.


  • Ryno
    November 26, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    Forgot your applauds

  • Ryno
    November 26, 2006
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    An elegant poem of truth in the way the life goes. Bravo to your rhymes, it seems that you have found some perfect ones indeed. The part where 'life made of stone' and a 'step into the unknown' -I thought was great way to start of your poem. Great job. Best of luck in the contest.

    -Ryan


  • Tam
    November 26, 2006

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    So touching!

    This is a splendid poem and so very touching!
    Your flow and rhyme are impressive...but the storyline within is powerful and profound...
    I love how you managed to portray the feelings so deeply within lovely words. Skillfully penned, sir. Great job.
    And the picture you've displayed is PERFECT!
    Blessings! Tammy


  • Night Phoenix
    November 26, 2006

    Edit | Reply
    Love... how beautiful. I love the background and the image, they accent beautifully without being cheesy (as many "love" backgrounds seem to be).

    The second stanza is intriguing. I love the determination within your words. I also love the use of the word apocalypse. That's what it feels like exactly when the world tries to tear apart lovers.

    I also like the questions you present in the last line. Love is a whole lot of trouble, to be sure, but it's worth it.

  • gaerielle
    November 25, 2006

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    AWESOME!

    Wow you surely know how to write incomparable poetry i like this line the utmost -
    So I’ll take the plunge, for the risk is worth the entire world’s wealth combined;
    Exactly my thought Always be ready to accept help and gifts from others and refuse to place limitations on your life Super cool! Blessings!


  • blondone
    November 25, 2006

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    lovely words with lovely flow even though this is words written for a love a got more than that out of it as I've been suffering depression and this was enlighting to read to let me see it's worth the struggle thanks for this post oh and good luck inthis contest...

  • Susan E. Pennycuff
    November 24, 2006

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    this brought tears to my eyes dear, I won't bother you with why, but it was not because of poor writing. This was an excellent write filled with so many thought provoking elements. As always you have impressed me. Keep writing hun as I honestly enjoy every word I have read of yours.
    Hugs,
    Suzi


  • runandhide
    November 24, 2006
    Edit | Reply

    oops. anyway, beautiful.

    A brilliantly written poem that you ought to be proud to have your name to. Great Job,
    lotsa luv ur lil sis,
    rah


  • runandhide
    November 24, 2006
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    Beautiful.


  • ShelleyA gold member
    November 23, 2006

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    Lovely, simply lovely.

    Hi Tim. A beautiful heartfelt write. Very good imagery, flow, rhyme and tone. Deep expression of emotion. Very good word choice. Lovely metaphor. Well crafted and a most enjoyable read. Shelley


  • pixxiepoetess
    November 23, 2006

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    Here! Here!

    In my opinion, love is always worth the battle. Your heart will always let you know what it wants...it's that brain that gets in the way. A quick side note: I believe 'plundge' should be 'plunge'. I could be wrong however. My spelling is not the greatest --->pixxie<---

    • Sharcu silver member
      November 23, 2006
      Edit | Reply
      Yes, that is the correct spelling I had it like that originally, but I had a member (LilacThoughts) help me go over this and she suggested a few word changes for that line and so I just copied that and forgot to fix the spelling error. Thanks for reminding me and I appreciate your comment
      --Tim


  • troyias
    November 22, 2006

    Edit | Reply

    Nothing

    Tim This is so very beautiful. So rich and focused. You have done an amazing job.

    I love the changes you made to your logo. It's perfect. the added color and the picture are absolutely perfect.

    *Go with God* my Friend,
    Valerie


  • jasminerose
    November 21, 2006

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    Wonderful!

    Hi Sharcu,
    Yes, love is always worth the risk and the load!!
    To me, life without love, is simply not life at all!
    I think from your poem you completely agree
    This is beautifully written and very enjoyable indeed!
    A beautiful heartfelt entry for this round! Excellent!
    I wish you all the best in our contest!
    Jasminerose


  • Salt Walker
    November 21, 2006
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    this is beautiful, beautiful picture by the way


  • poet2angels gold member
    November 21, 2006

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    Amazing

    I knew it was your poem before I saw your namme, Tim
    Your rhyme and flow is flawless, and this poem reminds me (as others of yours have) of William Wordsworth style...It sings of old fashioned romance and I love this!

    Lynda


  • TripleGoddess
    November 21, 2006
    Edit | Reply
    I really like the ending. The last stanza makes a strong point. I haven't read the origional, maybe I'll go do that. (I have a long weekend so I don't really have much to do). This poem kind of gave me a "Slow and Steady Wins the Race" kind of feel. Perserverence.


  • perdisbeaute
    November 21, 2006

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    That's a really good point you made. The write it self was amazing!!! Keep writing, this is great!

    Michelle

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