I welcomed
the ocean and its protean ways:
nipples on a full breast,
crackling fires,
a beaten trail through the forest,
a side-glance from a busy dog,
voices that laugh and cry and tell,
and I found
waves that took my foot prints back
and kept them safe,
in a place where I began.
I drank warm and human milk,
and felt the fellowship of generations,
in the wood smoke and burning embers.
By instinct I moved softly through the pine woods
brother to the wolf.
I took many hands and then let go.
I heard my own thin voice calling out
and I knew.
Author notes
This is a poem about kinship with nature and of the path that one takes to self realization. It speaks of the ocean and of first beginnings, of warm breast milk and of embers from campfires, of brotherhood with forest animals and of lessons learned from those who went before.
A contest entry
- BLOW MY MIND UP by Swan song.
1000 points, ended August 26, 2007, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Sand Through the Hourglass by jadeangyal.
900 points, ended June 9, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 26 of 26
-
The second stanza is amazing! It is such an amazing thing to think of the ocean taking your footprints back and keeping them safe, that I can't think of anything else to say about it. In the first stanza, you might want to say nipple instead of nipples, since breast is singular. As it stands, the visual is a little weird there.
-
-
Most breasts that I have had experience with have nipples. I kind of want to leave it that way. My allusion to the "wolf" and my being a brother and all lends to this poetic metaphor.
-
-
well done
I am a naturist at heart, even before it became the fadish thing to do. I see so many the pretend to be the "one with nature thing" but this doesn't feel that way at all. it has an honest and refreshing feel to it. I&V -
This is also a poem about humanity and our connectivity- at least it was for me.
What a beautiful tapestry you weave with words. You string them together so artfully- one is lost in the colour and vivid picture that emerges.
Brilliant write, this.
Cheers,
Tilly
-
Profound
I read this a few times, it is not a poem to absorb in one reading for there are so many elements in it that each has to be savoured slowly
I loved the use of protean to describe the ways of the ocean, so very apt.
the profoundness of the thought that the waves which we normally feel wipe out our footsteps might actually be taking them to some place of safety is so unexpected and startling that, that in itself held me and I had to read and re read and enjoy the thought.
felt the fellowship of generations,
in the wood smoke and burning embers.
yes I can feel that through the words
The line that expresses more than any other your affinity to the earth and nature is "brother to the wolf."
I lost my internet connection before I could comment but you poem stayed with me and made me wonder what it was that connected me to all that had come before, it is a good poem that lingers long after one moves away and sets off a trail of thought in the reader that may lead to many self discoveries.
Thank you
-
There is probably a word that correctly identifies what my inexperience calls a 'mirror poem,' possibly a semi-chiasmus? The duality is notable:
welcomed/took many hands
ocean/waves
breast/human milk
fires/wood smoke and burning embers
trail/moved…through the pine woods
dog/wolf
voices/fellowship
It might be more striking if the order of subsequent experiences reversed the order of the introductory experiences.
Then the line “I heard my own thin voice calling out/and I knew” needs a partner, and allows for a bit more development of that thought. That line left me a bit puzzled, as to what hearing a thin voice calling would teach oneself. Perhaps of one’s smallness in the world? Or a desire to develop a stronger or more beautiful voice? The ocean’s voice is so mighty...
I especially enjoyed the “voices that laugh and cry and tell”, and the sense of connection to family and people they convey. I also loved the thought of waves taking back footprints, to keep them safe.
I wonder if “in a place where I began” hints at a nomadic seafaring people, an island people, or an amphioxus-type beginning?
This has a very "back to our roots," vital connections kind of feeling in it.
-
Very soft spoken and nice. Theres a connection that many seek in your poem that they can't find nowadays.
Keep up the great works! -
This is a gorgeous piece. I love how the separation of lines helps give it a very primal feel, almost like a flow of conciousness type thing. My favorite line is
and I found
Waves that took my foot prints back
and kept them safe
What a beautiful thought. Foot prints and the ocean are such an overdone idea, but here, the idea of "[keeping] them safe" is new and comforting, like the earth taking something back from us, but not in a scary threatening way.
I wonder why you chose to capitalize the words that you did, "Nipples, Crackling, Voices, Waves, Brother." Did you want those words to be especially important? They are important ideas, to be sure, but I almost felt distracted by them, like the capital letters disrupted the flow. But I could be missing something deeper you were trying to show.
All in all, though, a very beautiful and gripping poem. It kind of makes me want to sleep outside under the stars. -
-
One of the reasons why we keep promoting these poems is so that others may spot things that we are blind to. I was not aware that I had included those caps. Many thanks for the correction and for your kind review.
-
-
I drank warm and human milk,
and felt the fellowship of generations,
in the wood smoke and burning embers.
this is great and I loved it
for your words mean a lot in
the poems you submit -
This is an excellent poem and I enjoyed it very much I will be reading this again no doubt.
-
You took the concept of the contest and brought it to a much-appreciated primal level. We are, are our most basic, creatures of nature, and sadly we all too often forget it. This is a nice reminder that we should all re-evaluate our place in the world and what has come before us. This is the kind of writing that catches in my throat and just breathes itself out.
-
You've penned a beautiful piece of the progression of life and it's akinness to nature. "Waves that took my foot prints back and kept them safe", I love that line, as well as a side-glance from a busy dog. Beautiful write, thanks for sharing
-
I a agree with sous les femmes those lines are my favorite ones. Good job!
-
this was a beautiful piece.
"Waves that took my foot prints back
and kept them safe,
in a place where I began."
Enjoyed those lines the most, i think. Such a profound piece.
-
-
Thanks a bunch.
-
-
Wow, This is seriously moving.. The spirituality pours from every word and I am left feeling reborn and speechless..
Good luck with the contest.. -
I found
Waves that took my foot prints back
and kept them safe,.....these lines are fasinating...
-
Wonderful write. It was truely amazing. I was drawn from line to line Thank you for sharing this with us. It is truely very very good.
-
Delicious!
This is stunning! I have two favourite lines here - 'a side-glance from a busy dog' and 'Waves that took my foot prints back, and kept them safe'!
Such wonderful images come to mind while reading this. A really beautiful piece. I am off to read more from you...
Love and Laughter,
Chrissie
-
evocative and brilliant
-
Great
This poem warms the heart and touches the soul it flows and glides. Very good use of word, great poem, Chris
-
Ohhh I loved this piece! What imagery! I was there with you.'Wood smoke and burning embers' this had to be my favorite as I love that smell. And it indeed brought me many memories. Thank you for letting us be able to read such a treasure.
BlueFrozenFire~
-
wonderful memories
I could picture this and I was at peace.
well done ..DEE
-
Beautiful poem
this is such a beautiful poem...simply so well done, as is all your work. That Earth Mother, ah yes, indeed. I love the layered images with this.
but, dangit..it was to be an etheree. -
-
Everything in this poem is about memory that has happened to me. I really would not know any other way to do this. I always appreciate your encouragement. Who else would motivate me to write a poem for a contest?
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 26 of 26
