T'was nearing the twilight while the moon hid,
behind the rain clouds, like a black sheep's wool,
so gentle in the sky did the clouds look,
yet so ferociously did they pour upon the soil!
Even the strongest light was weakened in this night,
no stars could lend their aid upon this lonely glade.
The thistle whistled wildly in this gale,
an ensemble of wind instruments,
playing for but one.
Yet cared he not as he passed through the glade,
though the wind pressed him back
and the rain teemed down 'pon his overcoat.
Sloshed he through the glade,
for it had turned to marsh.
As the night reared t'wards twilight,
the rain began to slow
and followed it did the gale.
So slowly did the drops fall
that it felt the world followed pace.
As the traveler looked into a drop
whilst it came into his view,
he found the reflection of himself
captured within so small a mirror.
So pathetic an image,
while it rippled about,
never showing the true reflection.
He sharply exhaled
and the storm stole his breath a white wool,
as if the wind wished to whisk it away as a cloud.
And time stood still, finally halting
the image that trembled
in the drop of water so delicate,
but shown not the traveler!
For the moon had crept out
of the crepuscular night
and what the drop had captured
were the colors of a rainbow.
Held he to his parka tighter as time sped up,
the world rotating once more,
the trees blowing in the gale,
the thistle readying its orchestra
and the raindrops began to pour.
For only our eyes see the moment.
Author notes
Ah, please critique, if you may.
A contest entry
- Write me a world, write me a rhyme, write me a tale of yours and mine. by xxRainbowDawnxx.
400 points, ended December 19, 2006, 34 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poet Laureate of all AP for the year 2007 Contest # 87 at The Winkler by Andantino.
875 points, ended January 12, 2007, 65 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Give Me Your Personal Best #5 (Prewrites Allowed) by aGent Lemon.
360 points, ended April 2, 2007, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Kiss The Rain by Sokarjo.
575 points, ended April 5, 49 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please critique?
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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Wow. Incredible. I love the way you played your words like an instrument on the reader's soul. Fantastic. Thanks so much for your entry.
S
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see, i'm not gonna leave a lengthy comment... but DAMN you're good...
"and the storm stole his breath a white wool,
as if the wind wished to whisk his breath as a cloud." i really like that! awesome! but i'm not so sure having two "his breath" in two consecutive lines is the best choice here . Maybe that's just me. lol
you create the delicate image... and the... "image that trembled" (and breath-stealing ones lol.) great juxtapositioning
i love it. and i lied when i said i wasn't going to comment much. lol.
a pleasure to read.
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Holy snap, you're absolutely right about those lines. And to reword it was so simple. How's this:
"and the storm stole his breath a white wool,
as if the wind wished to whisk it away as a cloud."
Thank you for your help and your applause.
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Beautiful imagery in this write... Full of passion within words and beautiful imagery, you can see what is going on. Thanks for entering my contest and good luck!!!
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Good!
I like theimages that cross my mind as read it, the words, to me, gather momentum. Its still a relaxed write, to me is beautiful! -
excellent
what a great poem. i could really picture the scene u were describing in my mind, almost feel the rain against my face on this cold dark night. a brilliant write, one to be proud of
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Thanks for the comment. Your AP username makes me wonder, though, if you're sincere.
Just kidding.
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lovely, riviting and visible
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I loved this..
I loved this depth and the way you escaped the norm..a single figure within the dark wilderness you certainly captured me....well done.. -
This poem was b e a u t i f u l. I don't think words can describe much more of my reaction. It creates a wonderful atmosphere of its own, and has such a beautiful ending. Great.
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brilliant
I could definitely feel myself rooted in the moment in this piece (which is not an easy feat for anyone to do). There seems to be a bit of the paranormal mixed in, which (as someone on here said) could easily preclude a fantasy (or maybe even a mystery) novel.
This traveler, to me, is on a journey of proportions greater than the physical realm could ever afford him. Your effective diction ("crepuscular" being one of my favorite words") create the image of a personal void enveloping around the lovely night imagery, making the reader feel as if this search is more spiritual than anything else.
I am sorry to have used your points on this thing...I am still trying to get used to the new format (although it's confusing the crap out of me). But you are more than worthy and I will return the favor twice over at a later date.
Many blessings,
Raven Aurora
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Bravo!!!
conjures some distinct images...reads almost like the outline for a dark novel...nicely done as you've framed some frist class pictures here with your words...Bravo!!! -
Excellent
This is a great piece, lovely imagry, that one can almost taste and feel. I loved the thoughts, deep and captivating. great work. keep your pen forever flowing! Bunny
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