Come and save me, Secret Friend.
They say I've gone mad..
Tell me all the helpful things
so I won't be sad.
Tell me to blame!
Tell me to fight!
Tell me I never do wrong!
Tell me to spread
my wings and take flight!
Tell me I'll always belong!
Don't desert me, Secret Friend.
Whisper in my ear..
Tell me all the wicked things
you want me to hear.
Tell me to lie!
Tell me to cheat!
Tell me to start it on fire!
Tell me their lives
must suffer defeat!
Tell me give in to desire!
Come and help me, Secret Friend.
They gave me this pill..
Tell me all the quiet things
while I'm numb and still.
Tell me to rest.
Tell me to sleep.
Tell me to give in to peace.
Tell me your watch
you'll steadily keep.
Tell me to dream as I please.
Don't bereave me, Secret Friend.
I am all alone..
No more things to tell me now..
I am going home.
What did you think
Comments
1 - 75 of 75
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great!
a masterpiece, i must say. great job!
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I really like the fact that someone manages to make me feel things when I read their words
well done!
best wishes for the contest! -
Mmmmmm....I've read this over and over. I feel it. I hear it. I know it. You have a beautiful heart. You have a beautiful mind. You have a beautiful soul. This speaks to me more than anything else. You are simply a superb writer, and poetry like this more than convinces me that you need to be published. *hugs*
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Hey. I think this almost sounds like a song, so maybe you could place it in lyrics. The "Tell me" are almost like an angry chorus, I can almost hear someone screaming out the words to loud heavy metal music. Then again, might be just my imagination. =) I like this piece.
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Definitely one of your best pieces...
Definitely one of your best pieces; angst seems to be the best category, but not the most definitive - if I can come up with something better, I'll be sure to let you know; loved the flow of this poem. Some people may not like this piece - because it reflects a serious & inward look at one's soul - to acturately and honestly examine one's core views and morality can be a bit unnerving. At the same time, we are looking for acceptance and someone in our lives to trust and be safe with. Great job.
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Amazing
Very deep and moving for me.Angst and personal i think would suit but i love the poem alot!
My fav part is
Don't bereave me, Secret Friend.
I am all alone..
No more things to tell me now..
I am going home.
So keep up the good work and everything.=)
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I followed it nicely right up to the last line. I can not tell if the subject is happy to be going home, or mourning the loss of something they had prior to the pills.
Of course, I suppose if the pills are doing their job, then the subject would not even know there was a secret friend.
In any event, I enjoyed the stanzas that broke free and sprinted. I am just confused by the ending. -
"You can put it in the 'friendship' category and align it with 'weird' -.-"
This one had some kind of a peaceful flow to it, the words flooded easily into my head, but had some strange currents into it. Only the fact that you combined between telling that 'secret friend' to advice you in a good way, then roll on and tell him/her to advice you in a wrong way is what made me categorize it as 'weird' =P but it is great nontheless =]
X Marina X
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very... imaginative
it really gives an image. i really like this. it makes me think of an insane assylum... lol very nice! -
I'm not sure if insane is a category but this would definitely fit, because just the feeling that you captured in it was crazy...but not in a bad way, in a really, really good way. I'm not sure what to say except this is definitely really awesome and really original too.
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Don't bereave me...
There's a line from 'House of the Blue Leaves' where Bananas says "I don't mind not feeling as long as I can be where I remember feeling" and it's heartbreaking. She is drugged up and lost and her family is about to institutionalize her and she's giving her last cry for help.
That's what your poem reminds me of. I think your genre thing should be psychological and personal. This dives into that are that nobody wants to go because everyone feels like the teater on the brink, justifying foolish actions with mediocre responses.
Very well written. I love the concept of going home...
Much Love.
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This is very well written.
This is a very well written poem. I would classify it as being a lyric, or dark. This would make a great song. I like the rhythm and rhyme scheme. It is unique and just grabs the reader and doesn't let them go. Great job my friend.
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This is deep and I sense a story behind it-- that I cannot quite grasp. It seems as if you are in a mental institution...?
This is really intense I love the format of the poem too.
I would classify it as personal (personally
~WU -
Amazing
This poem is awesome! I try to give constructive criticism (which i can't spell) but I have none for your poem! It's a great poem and I love it!
~*Tiff*~
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Great Work. Very well written. As for categories I'd say angst, dark maybe? I like the way you separated things, it made the piece flow well. Very expressive!
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You are looking for a friend
The friend that you are looking for is actually the Spirit of the Lord that will help you to be fruitful and multiply! -
You don't know which way to turn
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in the first stanza 4th line i would write 'so sad' unstead of sad, i think it would help the poem to have a better flow....fourth stanza last line you forgot the word 'to' before 'give' i really dont understand if this is meant to be a positive or negative poem...it seems as though allthe way up until the last 2 stanzas it is very dark, very good work and please continue writing
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It has a very good sense that tells people that the person who wrote it has a lot of talent it was very good. I like the begining the most since it is wwell wrten.
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i wouldnt say this is self indulgence. for someone to say that to a writer i feel is wrong. if you are leaning towards a title i would start with something to do with struggles or needs.
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Ooh...I don't completely understand this, but that's good, it brings mystery. I reall like this piece. The syllable count is pretty good, and your repetition stanzas, based off previous lines, is great!
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amazing
I agree with other comments that were made (and all good *smile*) It was personal and touching…unique and almost in your face. I enjoyed the way you typed it. I also loved your word and emotional choices. To me it kind of seems like was very dark (my options on poetry some times are different than others though) but that didn’t take away from its beauty. Great read I truly loved it.
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hmm?
i thought it was pretty good but like someone reaching out for orders or desperation or something. Maybe some sense of control.
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good but not so good ending
it started out wonderful and it flows very well. I enjoyed it but the ending was kind of weak and a let down. I wasn't very interesting but ver dull....i hope you take the time to change it soon and keep of the fantasitc work, your poems are great and are never deciving!
Keep writing!
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Still waitin' on the promised reciprocation.
Gee that rhymes eh? -
I would have said sad and other. I don't think it fits in with much else really. Possibly dark, as the subject seems to be madness, but it strikes me as more of a softer poem.
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Briliance in a pill....
I love it. I think it could go into drug related, dark, and teen think. Anyway, I love it keep it up. -
ahh!
i love this. This is possible the best song i could hear. Its not a poem to me, its a song.
i really loved this. it made me smile, it made me think.
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Not so sure what to think of this one. It does really make you look deeply into all the possible meanings. I believe that I got what you were trying to get across, but still. I really like it either way, this was a great piece. You did excellent work here. Great Write! Keep it up!
-PennedSongStress- -
cool
I can very much relate to this kind of poem. -
this is truely a one of a kind piece. it is not filled with metaphors and things that will confuse the reader it is very straight forward. I guess I would put it under Society since it falls into the area of not fitting societies norms. If you dont fit they lock you away and drug you up until you fit thier ideas. keep up the great work
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Great poem
I think this is in the personal, dark, or angst catergories...
I luike it alot and see you you've got lots of commentors....there's probly not much more I can say that would help....
But I'd be proud of this...
It's an awesome idea and makes me wish it were my own....lol
I kneel before you and place at your feet, an ebony rose...
Peace and Love...
Matt
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Perhaps it would do well in "angst", and "personal"? I really liked it myself, fairly dark and disturbing, and yet wonderfully so. An excellent write.
Made me feel somewhat... it made me feel like all the things I would like to be told. So that maybe I could do them, and then say, "Well, I was told to, so I thought I should." Then... well, maybe my life would be a bit more fun.
Excellent write, keep up the good work.
-Ashley -
{{Sad, Dark, Personal}}
I'd place this in those categories.
I think this was unique, I love the whole idea of a "secret friend". The voice inside her/his head.
A few suggestions:
"Tell me give in to desire!"
Tell me -to- give in to desire might sound better, and
"Tell me your watch"
Tell me you'll watch, also might sound better.
Good job.
Keep dreaming in ink,
Jessica
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Wow. Thats sad, yet hopeful all at the same time. Cool.
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I am not sure what catagory this fits into either but I did have a little bit of trouble following it. I like it but had to read it over twice to get the true meaning of it. Other then this I liked it.
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cool
Put it in the "insane" category. Could be lyrics too. Very intense and cool. Original.
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just
beautiful.
like it.
you should put in personal.
i think.
maybe, it's your choice.
won't make it any less wonderful.
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I really like this.. I'm a big fan of repetetive poetry.. it definately would fit in the angst category, but I would consider putting it in "longing" as well.
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Personally I dont think this is a bad poem at all .. I love the skeem of it .. and how it flows .. it cant be taken as someone coping with something by their secret obsession or whatever..
I think its amazing and you should keep writing -
the poem sounds like someone had a voice inside there head talking to them. It seems like when they gave the person the pill the voices went away but so did all feeling. I have depression and the pills they gave me to make me not depressed made me so I couldn't feel any emotion. i liked this poem cuz i can relate. I also think the category would be angst or sadness. I like the repetition also.
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It says u return all comments and I'm still a waiting dude!!
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KINDA SOLEMN I LIKE IT. I UNDERSTAND THE DEPTH. A LITTLE CO DEPENDANT.
HOPEFULLY MEANT TO BE THAT WAY.
IS IT LIFE YOURS OR SOMEONE ELSES YOU KNOW.
I LOVE THE SHORT DIRECT PHRASES. NO PASSIVE NATURE ABOUT EVEN THOUGH THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT THE PERSON IS.
GREAT WORK!!!
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very nice alot of feeling to it really nice...liked it
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Not so insane, touching, exact.
You did an excellent job bringing out much of the treatment many of us suffer at the hands of others with the pleas shown here. I love the way you put the 'tell me's it honed in to this reader's emotions and oddly enough befitting today for me in many ways. I like how the title, first and last lines seem like yin and yang quality. Great job!
rose
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I Know That Guy!
His name is Self Indulgence. I assure you he is a pretty fickle friend. I'd get rid of him. -
nice change
this piece is different taking into the aspects of freindship of what i deem to be one's inner voice. the ending was a nice touch. -
Nice
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is repetative asnd sad, not feeling like you are able to depend on yourself, lost and with no real friends you turn to the one friend who isn't truly a friend worth having
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Hmm, this sounds quite like a quiet, desperate plea. It's like a very empathetic note of confidentiality, like the narration in the book the Perks Of Being A Wallflower.
a last resort kind of thing.
i like it. -
Hm...I like it. There's a certain desperate quality to it. As if the subject is trying to relate to the outside world, or perhaps has found a member of said world to comfort them.
As for categorization, that's a hard one.
Friendship
Desperation
Borderline insanity?
Coping
Loneliness
Personal
Best I can come up with at the moment.
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Pretty good read
I think it should go in contemporary,and dark
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I wonder if you speak of an imaginary friend, and thus landing the speaker in the mental institution that you allude to after being caught associating with the Secret Friend, or of a fair weather friend that is never really there for the speaker. The flow and rhythm are good as well. I like the tinge of madness that you use here as well.
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Weak ending
This poem has a real weak ending. the last line is the most important after the title. The poem is ok till the last stanza i think though that if you added twio or three stanza and mentioned some of the sense and p[ut a time frame on a narrative and gave it all some movement that the poem would be far more interesting -
this is a good piece of poetry i find which you have written here with some style, it holds a nice gentle rhythm to the poem and the flow is very nice indeed. i thank you very much indeed for sharing your poetic talent. spill ink and twist me into the crazy shape of love.
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Great
I like this, it's so, ummm, evil, but in a good way. Sounded to me like that little, irrational voice in the back of your (or at least my) head that says to go do really horrible, immoral stuff. I agree with Todmeister on almost everything he said. Only I like the lines,
"Tell me your watch
you'll steadily keep."
The way you capitalize "Secret Friend" like it's a name is good, makes it look more important. This poem might fit the dark or angst catagories. Good job. -
WICKED WRITE
This ROX!!!! Why? Simply because, as you so eloquently put it . . . "We're all a little taunted...
It all just depends on what whispers you listen to." There's a joke about "the voices", but everyone has them. They are how we deal with the everyday goings on in this experience we call life. This particular piece, sounds like someone's very confused on what voice to listen to, but they are all speaking. Even though, the prominent "voice" of this piece is a bit tormented and evil, I feel that there's an underlying desire to listen to the "goodness" within & that someone is trying desparately to maintain full control and consciousness, so that all actions can be accounted for, rather than giving in to the "dark side" and falling prey to the ironic misgivings of a psychopathic nature. A very impressive write. I enjoyed the read. As for what "category" to put it in, I'd like to suggest any/all of the following:
1. Personal
2. Angst
3. Dark
4. Inspirational
5. Teenage Thinking
I wrote a similar one, called "Ramblings of the Possibly Neurotic". There's another one called "Ramblings of the Sleep Deprived" that isn't nearly as "odd". Love to hear your thoughts on them. -
a really good poem, i liked the way you put it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GREAT JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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awesome
i really like this
the format and the wordings
"tell me to rest
tell me to sleep
tell me to give in to peace"
wowo.
keep writing cause we all want to keep reading
thanks for the return comment too. looking forward to that. -
this is a really deep and involving poem. the secret friend idea works very well in this poem, and the ideas are put together very well. it makes you wonder where the home is. a very accomplished poem
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This is wonderful! I loved it! I like the repetition of sorts, its brilliant. I'm not sure How I would categorise it, sorry... not much help. I love the "secret friend" idea. It almost as if you're talking to someone like an imaginary friend, a voice in your head, or a friend you have but can't reach out to, so you write to them in poetry form.
I really enjoyed this, don't really know what to say.
Thanks
Llennettxoox
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First and foremost, I'm glad you didn't add any "that"s as someone suggested. Filler words do not a good poem make.
I think this would fit the "angst" category, or well, what the hell, who needs categories, anyway. This is an emotional poem. It's not overwhelming with imagery, but its narrative is compelling. Very relatable.
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great
?
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This is an amazing poem. I disagree with The Elder, I think that your 'Secret Friend' would be great to have. To me, it seems as though your secret friend is your mind, and sometimes that's all you need for company. Great write. I'd file this under personal and sad. I wouldn't however, use the word "that" as much as todmeister was saying. I think that the flow is great as it is, and that adding "that" to those lines would just be extra words that aren't needed. Great job - great write!
xXxChristinaxXx
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Good
I may be weird but I think the ending is really really sad. Even if people may think that the "secret friend" is a demon in your head... the way you told the poem... it just seems really sad for it to just go away. Good write! It would have been a little better if it was longer though, I think.
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Dark, Angst, Weird
Nice flow and vivid imagery. I thought at first it was going to be a love poem to a friend ~ *wrong* ~ things began to twist and turn! I like your format, although "must suffer defeat!" is a bit of an awkward turn of phrase Still, it paints a haunting portrait and the mood is disturbed. I've picked 3 categories (you can use up to 3) in the order I thought of. Great poem!
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Most definatily not dark. I found it more angst and sad. Quite odd how you repeated the same rhythm. Nothing bad about that though. Just seems to press out more. I'm not a huge fan of this kind of poetry. But that's just me and my opinon.
Cobal -
Interesting......
I like this....It shows some emotion that you didn't expect in the beginning...It sounds almost like you've had this experiance yourself...As for the catagorization, I have a few suggestions for that too...'Angst' is a good one...If this really is based on experiance, 'Personal' would fit...'Sad' and 'Other' also...But good write.....Also, I agree with Todmeister about the rhythm and the 'that' thing...Good job...
Keep writing...
xbrookex
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I would categorize this as angst.
It's not a bad poem. There are good reasons for writers to have an outlet or coping device for their depressions and anxieties. The problem comes in that they write so much and want to share it. They usually have quite an ego about their ability to reflect their "powerful" emotions through their writings. Unfortunately, recommendations for improvements are often taken with emotion and usually the writer is very, very reluctant to read classic poetry or the poetry of other amateurs.
Don't forget that all these factors must work together: form, content, vocabulary, layout... all of
them are part of a poem, and if used well, the whole will be greater than the sum of the parts.
Best of luck with future writings.
~ Fox
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I think it was good, its far from my tastes to read but i can see why they like this work. good job
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Wow, this is a really unique poem with a different message from the other poems I've been reading. The language is simple however the repetition of your verses with the "Tell me" really packs a punch for the reader and drives the point in. As for the categorization of this poem, I don't really agree with "sad" and "hope" for this poem. Instead, I saw it more as...dark? Or maybe it's just the background of this poem that's affecting me...black background. Okay, sorry, never mind. I'll just say this is really different and should be put under "weird". Weird in a good way.
Thanks for sharing! -
hmm, i agree with 'Todmeister' on the catagorisation of this poem. i really like the way it is put together, as previously said by someone, the rhyming was a bit out in some places, but otherwise its great.
It is quite a haunting poem, but really well written. -
This is amazing! It's so hauntingly beautiful, have a clap. I really liked the rhythm and rhyme in the tabbed section, even if it was hard to get at first.
Just a few things... you should use the word 'that' more, it's really useful for rhythm. An example:
Come and save me, Secret Friend.
They say *that* I've gone mad..
Tell me all the helpful things
so *that* I won't be sad.
(That brings up another thing - I love the way it's always 'Secret Friend', not 'my' secret friend or anything, just that.)
Another quick point - I didn't like this line: "Tell me your watch you'll steadily keep." The inverted word order to keep the rhyme messed around with the style, changing it from simple, short language, to more Shakespearean. No suggestions about how to change it though, sorry.
As to your specific question, I feel it should come under 'Sad', 'Hope' and 'Other', don't know about anyone else!
Edited on Nov 15, 3:37 p.m. because 'Forgot to answer the question...'. -
Thank you, Dear Poet,
for your kind words.
I'm glad you enjoyed this write.
We're all a little taunted, if you ask me.
It all just depends on what whispers you listen to.
~Chaos~ -
sounds like a man possessed by a demon. Scary. didn't exactly put me in a good mood though it was a very marvelous poem. Your Secret Friend sounds like a friend that I wouldn't want to have, so if this happened to you I feel sorry for you. Thanks for the read with all regards
your friend
joe
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