With my blood on the ground and the gun in my hand
Don’t mourn for my death; this is how I had planned
A drink and a bullet, a silent dark prayer
One last final act of violent despair
A stain where my heart is, dark crimson spreads thick
A show for the squeamish, let’s make them all sick
Sadistic and selfish? Drunken waste of your space?
Attention seeking way to get out of this place?
Time to depart and time to expire
A man, slowly choked, to death with barbed wire
Broken, soul stolen and taken away
Just spit on my grave and have a nice day
Author notes
The first question. How charming am I?!
The second (much more important) question. Should I lengthen it or leave it as it is?
Thanks for your input
Written November 14th, 2006
option 7, suicide
option 1, rhyming dark stuff
option 2, suicide
Let your darker side give in
^ Suicide
Option 1: Death
ilovethomix
Lycan Lore, wholesome whore, bretheren breed, bloody bed!
Option 7, black comedy
In a list
- VIII. Trophies IV: Gold • next in list
- VIII. Trophies II: Bronze • next in list
- VIII. Trophies I: Honourable Mentions • next in list
- III. Dark • next in list
- VI. My Favourites • next in list
- ღ Favourites of my Favourites • next in list
A contest entry
- Sounds of the night by dumbgothkid.
360 points, ended December 10, 2006, 11 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - the sun comes up by ray10444.
300 points, ended December 15, 2006, 18 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark.Emo.Dark.Emo. by BloodCrusted.
450 points, ended May 14, 2007, 18 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Major 5 by Dark Whispers.
395 points, ended May 23, 2007, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - "I'm sad" POETRY :( by thelovesongwriter.
345 points, ended June 20, 2007, 96 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - My pretty ponies like you. You smell like apples, which my pretty ponies love....Candy wants to know if she can eat your finger. by Rainy Days.
555 points, ended July 9, 2007, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Options..Options..Options by fallenangel671.
1200 points, ended July 13, 2007, 52 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Life isn't everything, Death isn't nothing 1000+ point contest, LOTS OF OPTIONS!~Still open!!!~ by Soten-Jaganshi.
1100 points, ended September 7, 2007, 62 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Un-do the emo cliches by AutumnsFlame.
791 points, ended November 4, 2007, 40 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - illusions of death....options ....options..and more options by completely mad.
600 points, ended February 20, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 65 of 65
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LOL ...
I know my response here is not what you'd expect, but the end lines tripped me out.
I'm opposed to suicide in almost all cases, except in those where people are dying and in terrible pain with no possibility of remission. However, all in all, you've done a credible job with this.
Congratulations on all those trophies. -
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Good, this poem was meant to make people laugh!
No I quite agree about suicide, though euthanasia in the circumstances you describe I have no problem with. -
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I just discovered ...
that a friend here committed suicide, or so it appears, last year. To say that I'm bummed out is possibly the understatement of the year. His name was Julian (known here as Victory Gin), and it's really a bummer, as he was an extremely good poet. Zayra is holding a contest for or about him, I guess.
I hope all is well in your world.
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hmmm... very disturbing... i like it
"A show for the squeamish let's make them all sick" - brillant!
but some of the rhymes seemed a little off tempo... but i could just be crazy
glad i stopped by, i'll be back for more
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Good God ...
what the hell were you drinking?
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Some kind of sarcastic emo juice it seems. This is one of my (cult) favourites of my pieces haha, my old stuff at least.
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AMAZING
great poem
well done -
excellent..you said it all with just a few words...I loved it...thank you for entering
completely mad -
very nice i thankyou for the entry
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great
it was a nice read...the trophies speak for themselves..goood word selection..graet rhyme....beautiful flow....the length is perfect ...just one thing at the beginning u u wrote.."With my blood on the ground and the gun in my hand"....and towards the end you write "A man, slowly choked, to death with barbed wire"...so which one did u die form the bullet or barb wire?....none the less..it was nice... -
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Thank you very much. It's definitely the gun, the barbed wire was meant to be more of a metaphor, being caged in, slowly subsiding and having nothing else to do - though good point.
Thinking about it, I can't really think of anything much worse than being choked with barbed wire!
Thanks again x take care x
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o gosh this was so funny =]
i loved it!, very nice, amazing flow, and perfect choice of words...and you made me giggle, YAY!!!!
lol, but yeah just loved this, great job!
stephanie =]
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Oh that was the best poem I have read all day! I loved it, the rhyme and the thoughts. I liked the links between the words and the visual images. Great poem - good work!
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Thank you very much
x
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WOW
Excellent. I can see others thought this was quite excellent as well...... The rhyme here was right on target and there wasn't an awkward moment. Thank you for entering my contest and good luck. -
I watched the footage of the Columbine massacre on YouTube recently, mostly because of morbid curiosity, but also because I want to know what makes people do things like that. Even though it's about a suicide, this poem could have been written by either of the shooters at Columbine, especially the last line. I'm sure they were unrepentent right up to the end. They sure seemed to be enjoying themselves. It's a powerful piece of writing any way you look at it, though. Loved the "show for the sqeamish" line. Nice work, great flow.
Mark
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Haha being compared to a couple of mass murderers is never a good thing I find! But I know what you mean...Thanks for another great comment and for the applause x take care x
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Oops, I guess I did do that, didn't I? haha Actually, I assumed this poem was written in the third person, not first. Sorry about that! If it's any consolation, judging by the generosity, intellect (and sanity) of your comments on my work in the past, I think it's safe to say that you are not mass-murdererish at all. lol
Take care,
Mark -
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Hahaha don't worry about it!
Me, sane?? I highly doubt it
I suppose you never can tell the massmurderish type...though usually it's the quiet ones who everyone knows of but no one really knows...then they go chop everyone up and even more people know of them
Take care too x
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great write. i loved the flow of the poem. you did an excellent job with this piece!! thank you for entering my contest and good luck
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Oh gods.... this was miraculous!!! leave it as it is, dear gods do not change it!!!!!!
Great flow,
perfect rhyme,
and just spledid, thnak you so much for entering my contest. -
i loved reading this poem it flowed and had a nice use of words...good luck
~Wolf~ -
I really like this, its awesome! Sad, but darkness is thick in it.. its like telling everyone.. 'Fuck you, Im gone now.. what can you do now?'
Thank you for entering, goodluck! -
This is a pretty good piece, interesting, but good. It was short but said alot. Your poem flowed very well also. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in my contest my dear.
~~~Vampy~~~ -
I see you operate on the system "Keep on entering a poem into as many contests as possible, eventually you'll win one!"
Having said that, the poem is quite good: nice and bitter but sarcasm?
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"A show for the squeamish, let’s make them all sick"
I love it. Best of luck to you.
Unfaithfully Your's
Of Blood and Tears
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Oh my gosh, I Love this piece!!! I haven't read a lot of Darker poetry, but this is excellent!!! It gave me a wierd feeling that creeped up my spine...I think it was the view of the person within this work. Great job, Keep penning!!!
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Mint poem
wow awesomeness poem i loved it. and i think its prefect as it is.
my favorite part would have to be:
A drink and a bullet, a silent dark prayer
One last final act of violent despair
A stain where my heart is, dark crimson spreads thick
A show for the squeamish, let’s make them all sick
Sadistic and selfish? Drunken waste of your space?
Attention seeking way to get out of this place?
very nicely described i loved it,
good luck in the contest
keep writing
~Ashley~
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Whoah, I loved it! I'm absolutely speechless! Awesome! Congratulations on the gold!
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WHOAHWHOWHOHWOHA THANKS FOR ENTERING! i loved it. good luck
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Hmm.... a very nicely expressed bit i should say. The darkness expressed here is very well done, a gripping poem i should say. The imagery is quite splendid but most of all, the whole idea behind the poem is amazingly innovative. The poem is as dark as dark can be and as for the length, well... i guess, you can leave it as it is.
"A stain where my heart is, dark crimson spreads thick
A show for the squeamish, let’s make them all sick"
Thanks for entering the Raven Qualifier and good luck! -
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Thank you very much for your comment, good luck with the contests! xxx
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This is amazing, slightly scary, but amazing
I never saw that side of George
but i like it's poetry lol
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great write aand i lved the work thank you for joinin and best of luck
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I really like it as it is,to lengthen it you would have to create a deeper stroy line which would kill a already great poem.
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Do not lenghtehen it. It is perfect as it is. I loved the rythme. Simply amazing.
El.x
x
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xxx
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This is great. iT really shows the REALLL dark side of you or your mind. I love this, so emotional.
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OMG!! I love this! The rhyme and the flow are perfect...and the way you have worded it...wonderful...I really like the last line. Great write!!!
Whyitt U xxx
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Gah I tried to give your comment 5 starts but ghey AP won't let me =s. Anywho thanks for your comment and applause! It means a lot xx take care xx
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First off, very charming Second, I like it how it is. Really interesting and unique to me. Le travail merveilleux. Good luck.
~Oka/KC
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wow very powerful image and flow. great job and good luck
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Sadistic and selfish? Drunken waste of your space?
Attention seeking way to get out of this place?
Broken, soul stolen and taken away
Just spit on my grave and have a nice day
These are my favourite parts
Bro, you've done an Awesome job here
It's a really dark poem
Great job
well, then
Congrats for reaching the finalists list
and thanx for entering my contest
good luck
NeveR ♥
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Thank you for the comment, support and applause *hugs* It means a lot. Good luck with your contest hehe ^^ take care always! xx lots of love xx
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Well this has a very dark and eerie feel to it... Also very sad in fact the way that you've written it... I hope you're not feeling like this for real!
thank you for taking the time to enter this contest, I wish you the best of luck! -
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Sad is what I do best...and I'm not sure if that is a good thing. No I don't feel like this, but everyone sometimes wishes they could just vanish..even for a while. Thank you for your comment, it is greatly appreciated! x take care x
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I think this is very good!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Now thats some pain for you the hurt just flows right off the page very well penned best of luck to you in the contest
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Thank you and good luck with your contest! Take care x
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This poem was fluent in the rhyming scheme. Dont worry, Ill spit on your grave for you.
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This is pure brilliance! Thats all there is to say! Fabulous rhyming! Love the imagery conveyed in this! (If that makes sense? Lol!) Anyways, thanks for entering! Goodluck!
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Damned Good
It expresses an attitude of someone who's fed to the teeth with lies and deception and a nice big SCREW YOU to the maudlin masses. Reminds me of Jesse James reminding his brother Frank to do him one last favor if he got killed in bank robbing or train robbing (dangerous business, LOL). The favor was to turn him face down in the coffin so everyone could kiss his "better side" goodby.
That being said, I see you've already won two trophies with this one ~ and going for a third! You've got a good chance. If I were to change anything about this poem, it wouldn't be to lengthen it. I would work on line #4. "...last final..." sounds redundant to me and "violent despair" doesn't seem to go together. To me, despair is a cringing and sobbing emotion that doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the piece.
Well, there you have it. One woman's opinion. That and a few dollars will buy you a cup of coffee. Still a great piece and best wishes in the comp. Haven't read anything this good in awhile. Going to bookmark it.
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Thank you very much for the comment hehe. That Jesse James line reminds me of a line from a My Chemical Romance song, Hang 'Em High "Gunning while i'm holding on but don't stop if i fall and don't look back, oh baby don't stop, bury me and fade to black"
Again thank you for your opinion it is very much appreciated. Don't really like coffee.. Ooo wow that's a compliment and a half! Thanks for the applause and good luck with your comp!
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This is so sad ... so depressing ... I know the feeling though ... I'm so sorry for whatever your going through ... this is a very powerful write ... good luck in the contest
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Thank you for your comment. I've seen people go through a lot of things...giving up on life and things like that..I guess that usually inspires me. Hope you get a lot of great entries x take care x
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amazing use of words
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I really like this. IT is sad and detaled and really the kind of thing that I am looking for in this contest. Thabk you for entering and good luck.
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Such a good read!!!
I just love your writes!! I feel the sarcasm you put in your poems, its wonderful to find such pieces.
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very dramatic,mind blowing imagery.I am really at a loss for words.......Shows real feeling........Kinda freaky....Not really into dark poetry but I would say that this is very well written...God Bless and good luck in the contest...
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Twistedly good!
This is twistedly good. My heart was pounding reading this piece. Damn good. Halloween will never be the same again. Dang I need to have a contest for dark poetry. Someday I will. You done AWESOME here. I enjoyed this one very much. Written with a lot of emotion! -
Leave it I IMPLORE YOU!
This is not only a magnificant poem, but it's filled with many words of wisdom. The ending line really is a beautiful FUCK YOU to people who say suicidal beings are a waste or a coward (the length goes on and on and on-infact like most predator name calling....) but most of all I like this poem because of the characters lack of care, yet you as a poet seem to in depth. Interesting write, it's given me alot to think about. Welldone I appreciate you entering my contest
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Why thank you! Hehe I'm glad you liked it and gave you something to mull over. Good luck with the contest...and thans for the applause! x take care x
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i loved this. it seemed MCR influenced, without sounding at all like any MCR song, which i love. charming, yes you are very. i love the sarcasm you put in your poems "A show for the squeamish, let’s make them all sick" "Just spit on my grave and have a nice day". its refreshing. as far as lengthening it, i'm not quite sure. its awesome as it is, so it depends what you want to add, because unless what you have is awesome i dont think it needs anything else. so yeah, whatever you feel.
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oh my!
oh oh oh my word...i think this is a brilliant write...seriously, i think i may be lost for words! it really is a well expressed peice!
xx
diva T -
wow. This poem is good in an upset your stomach, twisted way of thinking kind of way. the rhymes and wording are very good, and I enjoyed it.
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haha fantastic
I say leave as it. Wow ... despite the fact that it's bloody harsh it's got a great rythmic beat. nice way to put death.
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